A Beautiful Mess
by Criminal-Twilight-Minds
Summary: After being taken from her bed and then saved by her team, SSA Emily Prentiss continues on her whirlwind of a life, struggling with things that she hadn't before. Contains the full BAU team of Seasons 3-7. Warnings inside. Emily's POV.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds or its original characters.

 **Hey guys! Yeah, I miss you too** **So this is another Fan Fiction written by yours truly. It will most likely all be in Prentiss' point of view but I'll state it at the start of every chapter like I always do in case it changes anyway. Let me know if I should change the rating or not.**

 **IF ABUSE/TORTURE, RAPE, SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/BEHVAIOUR ARE SENSITIVE TOPICS FOR YOU, PLEASE DO NOT READ.**

 **-A xx**

* * *

 **Prentiss**

3 days had passed since Sunday when I was taken from my bed in the middle of the night. The two men tied me up, put tape over my mouth and a bag over my head. They should have knocked me out; it would have been a much smarter idea. I counted how long it took to get here and it was a local place, only 10 minutes, give or take a few. I was now in this cold, plain, dim room with only a weak light overhanging and chains hooked to the roof beside it which I figured where for suspending something. Probably me. Every morning and evening at 6, the submissive unsub brought in a protein bar and a glass of water, giving me just enough to stay alive. Both men were bigger than me so there was no way I would be able to fight my way out of here. They wanted me for passwords into the FBI's confidential database to get information on the person they worked for or wanted. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't give them the passwords. I didn't know the passwords; that's how confidential they were.

I missed my team. We were never apart from each other for this long and I now realised how much I took them for granted. I missed Sergio too, but I think it was just the knowledge that I probably wouldn't get to see him ever again that made me feel like that.

The team promised me after I came back from Doyle, faking my own death and returning after just six months running London Interpol that they would never let anything like this happen to me again. I didn't blame them for anything and I wouldn't hold anything against them but I felt so guilty because I knew that they would blame themselves for this.

Since I had been here, I had been beaten a lot, cut several times and I had been raped 7 times already; twice daily, and I knew there was another to come tonight. I had even been electrocuted several times.

Like I had expected, they both came in at the same time. I had already eaten and had the glass of water tonight.

"You're battered and bruised and you're still a pretty little thing." The dominant said. He walked over and held my chin roughly, his thumb underneath and his index holding it there. He brushed my hair behind my ear and I close my eyes to keep the cry back as he pressed into the cut across my bare stomach. They had ripped off my shirt so I was left with my ripped shorts and bra.

"Don't worry; we've got a surprise for tomorrow. We'll bring some fresh clothes for you for the occasion." The submissive said as he untied my ankles from the legs of the chair and then moved to my wrists as the dominant played with my hair and kissed down my neck.

"The passwords?" The dom asked, taking half a step back and looking at me.

"As I already said, even if I wanted to, I can't help you. I don't know them."

"Yeah, we'll see…" The sub said as he dropped the ropes and walked out. They took turns.

Tears filled my eyes and fell as I was thrown off the seat and he climbed over me. "Come on beautiful, don't be like that."

* * *

I woke back in the seat that he had tied me in when he was done making me feel worthless, disgusting and helpless. My had a headache and my head hurt externally from when he hit it against the ground last night when I tried to push him off.

I looked around the room and tears fell down my cheeks as I came to the realisation again that this definitely was not a nightmare. I was hoping for days that I would wake up in my bed and just have to talk to Hotch and attend a few therapy sessions to get the dreams under control. They were very morbid over the past few months. No, this was very real.

The tears burned my cheeks that had small gashes from all the slaps and punches and it was about 5 minutes before the dom came in this time with the bar and glass of water. He opened the bar and untied one hand, passing me the unpleasant sustenance and sitting the glass of water beside me. I didn't try to speak; I had learnt quickly that all that got me was a slap or punch and another part of my now almost non-existent dignity taken.

"Ready to give me the passwords yet?" He asked, sitting on the ground in front of me. I wanted to kick him and run but my ankles were tied to the legs of the chair again.

I closed my eyes, "I don't know them."

"Hey Leon!" He yelled out the open door. The sub stuck his head around the door and waited for him to speak, "If she keeps saying she doesn't have the passwords, we can hold a gun or knife to her, ask whoever does know, threaten her life if they don't tell us and then kill her anyway."

"Good idea. I'll consider others that would know." The sub who I know knew was called Leon said. Either they've done this before and knew they wouldn't get caught, were off the grid and not in the system or they were certain that I was not getting out of here alive or he wouldn't have used his name.

They were almost always arguing and it seemed like a miracle when they weren't. The dom was a lot meaner and abusive than Leon and that was exactly why he was the dom. Maybe they knew each other from a while back and Leon was forced into this life with him. Maybe Leon really was as cruel as him but was saving it for later. I didn't want to try and convince Leon to let me out in case that was the situation I was in. Hotch had taught me that if I was ever kidnapped, to never aggravate an unsub if it threatened my life. I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to leave my team this way. Not again. Not without at least a goodbye.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked hesitantly.

He glared at me but he nodded. He didn't want me to speak but he was curious as to what I was asking.

"You're planning on killing me, aren't you?"

"If you don't give me the passwords." He nodded.

"So you are. Can I say goodbye to my team somehow? A call, a written letter, anything. Please, I can't leave them like this." _Again_.

He stood up, lifted the empty glass and walked out without replying. I heard the three locks latch. A while later, Leon came in with a clean pair of clothes. He put them on the table against the wall opposite me and untied me. I wasn't to get changed yet. It was his turn to once again, rob me of my pride. I cried again.

When he was finished, he threw the clothes at me and told me to get changed in an irritated tone. _He_ was irritated with _me_. He raped me and _he_ was angry about it? I just wanted to kick him in the groan and run for my life yesterday, but today, I didn't even consider it. I guess I just knew it would never work.

I waited a while, tied again, until they both came in and the dom was holding a laptop, webcam and microphone. He took them to the table opposite me and started to set them up, the camera and screen facing me. I glanced at Leon. He was looking down my shirt. I repositioned myself and slouched slightly so he couldn't see.

Once he finished setting it up, the dom winked at me and they both walked out again, leaving me staring at a blank screen and a webcam and microphone, both switched off. I saw my reflection in the laptop, my face covered in bruises, my neck bruised with several visible handprints. They returned several times, carrying buckets of water, cloths, wheeling in a trough filled with water and a small pot that had steam coming from it, the lid closed. There was a metal pole sticking out the top. There was also a case with several knives in it.

Now I knew what Leon was into. Torture. It would probably be worse than the cuts, but the electrocution might be hard to beat.


	2. Chapter 2

**Prentiss**

Through the whole day, they dunked my head into the trough that they had put ice in to make it freezing. They put the cloth over my face and poured the water over that, making it almost impossible to breath and made me feel like I was drowning. They decided against the tool as what I knew now was a branding iron in the steaming pot. It was filled with hot burning coal. They hadn't used the knives either. Leon did most of the work; the dom assisted him when needed. It almost seemed like they had swapped places. Leon was telling the dom what to do all day, taking charge. This is what I feared. They were on an equal level; it just depended on what was happening at the time. The dom raped me again that night, marking the 10th time. He was gentler this time but it still hurt like hell. They didn't even seem to care about the passwords anymore; they were just having fun now.

They came in this morning, Leon doing his normal routine, making it 11 times, and the dom giving me the glass and bar. They told me they had another surprise at what I guessed was about halfway through the day and started the laptop, webcam and microphone up. I was scared. What were they going to do? Sell me? Live stream me on the internet? It was sickening, what people were into these days.

After a short while, I heard a small noise from the laptop and looked up. It was a web call with "connecting" flashing in the middle of the screen. After a few seconds, my team appeared on the other side. My eyes widened as I heard their gasps. The looked anxious and terrified but also relieved.

"Touch my team or their families and I _will_ kill you." I said, trying to keep my voice level and menacing. It didn't work at all.

"Relax." The dom stood behind me and kissed my neck, "They're just going to watch."

"You son of a bitch!" I yelled and struggled against the chair helplessly. They held me still.

"Now now." The dom moved around me and held my chin. I moved my head quickly and bit down in his finger. He pulled away and cursed. He studied his finger momentarily and Leon gripped my neck tightly in his hand, choking me. I struggled to breath and he threw my head forwards after a few seconds. I sat with it bowed, coughing.

"We don't have all day." Leon said as he pulled the dom with him. The walked out and I lifted my head, finally getting air into my lungs again. I looked behind me; the door was open so I knew they were coming back. I heard water run and an ice bag open. Oh, great.

"Emily? Can you hear me?" Garcia asked. I nodded as I coughed again. "We're all so happy you're alive…" She said quietly as she typed.

"Well that makes six of you." I said quietly.

"Seven. You need to get through this, Em." JJ said.

I shook my head, "I'm done."

Derek shook his head, "Do you know them or where you are?"

"About 10 minutes from my place, the blond is Leon. I don't know anything else. I thought the brown haired was the dominant but they're pretty much even when it comes to the rape and Leon seems more in control with the torture." I decided to tell them what had happened so far by explaining who was in charge when.

"They raped and tortured you?" Reid asked in an anxious voice.

I nodded, "And something tells me they're about to again. Hang up the call when they do."

"No." Hotch said sternly.

"Hotch—"

"None of us have slept for more than two hours in 4 days. We take shifts just trying to find a single clue as to where you went. The only thing that told us you didn't leave on your own was Sergio."

"And your favourite boots." Garcia added innocently.

"If we hang up this call, we could lose contact permanently and the only thing we'll have is 10 minutes and Leon." Rossi said.

"What do they want?" Derek asked.

"Passwords to the FBI's confidential database." I replied.

"You don't have those." Hotch shook his head.

"Oh really? I didn't realise. Maybe I'll tell them that and they'll just let me go. Give me a pair of new boots for my troubles. Do you think they'll—"

"Shut up." I heard Leon say from behind me.

" _You_ left me here with them. Did you want us to sit in silence?"

He landed a hard punch on my cheek, "Drop the attitude."

"That's not her shirt…" I heard JJ say quietly, "She would never wear that."

Blood had filled my mouth and I spat it to the side.

Leon walked out quickly and came wheeling the trough in with the dom. They brought the buckets and cloth, the knives and the steaming pot again.

"What are you going to use first?" The dom asked curiously.

"I think I'll go with the trough."

"What is this? A class? How to torture 101." I said sarcastically. I was ignoring Hotch's teachings now. I would aggravate them as much as I could. Why did they have to bring the team into it?

I was untied from the chair and I dodged the kick that Leon tried to place into my stomach. The dom grabbed my hair and Leon slapped across my face.

"The passwords." He said, crouching to my height at the ground. So they did still want them after all.

"For the last time. I do not have them." He kicked in my abdomen, hard. I hurled myself over and coughed. One hell of a kick. "Jesus, is that steel capped or something?" I breathed.

"You weren't talkative until we connected with your work mates."

"Team. We're a team."

"Oh, they are." Leon said, "But they'll have to find your replacement."

"I'm sure they already have." I said quietly, showing that I wasn't offended by his comment.

He gripped my hair and pulled me to my knees. I could hear Garcia's small sobs that she was trying to keep in. He dunked my head into the ice water and I tried desperately not to struggle. I would run out of air quicker if I did.

This went on for a while, dunking my head and removing it, allowed me to breath. I was coughing a lot and my throat and cheeks burned. My eyes were stinging.

Next he used the cloth and water. The dom held me leant back on the chair on its back legs as the water was poured over my covered face. That went on for a while before they left me lying on the ground. They took the trough and buckets out and returned within a minute or two. I didn't move from the ground. I was still coughing, freezing and weak.

They both lifted me up and cuffed my wrists. I opened my eyes and saw that they were about to suspend me. I groaned as I saw the team on the other end. Garcia crying, JJ with a few tears, Reid with tear filled eyes. Hotch had his same hard face on but it was fiercer today. Derek looked horrified and furious. I couldn't read Rossi right now. Was he on the verge of tears too?

"Oh god." I breathed quietly as Leon lifted the red-hot branding iron.

"Rip her shirt. I'll put it on her chest." He instructed. The dom nodded and obeyed.

I was now in my bra in front of me team, the clover from Doyle visible on the left side of my chest. "How'd you get that? It didn't register before; I was more focused on the lower parts of you…" The dom said. I ground my teeth together so he asked where it came from again.

"Someone from my past."

"Ah, he's dead, isn't he?"

"Who said it was a he?"

"It was Ian Doyle, a man you were put undercover to pin for many crimes but subsequently fell in love with." Leon said as he tested the branding iron on a piece of wood.

My mouth fell open slightly. Where did he get that information and why did it offend me so much?

"I did my research. You had quite a past. Tell me, does your team know about the five innocent people you killed while working in London last year?"

I cleared my throat and avoided any of the eight sets of eyes watching me.

"If anyone on your team honestly deserved this, who would it be?" The dom asked.

I ground my teeth again, "Me."

"See? You should be happy that we have you and not them. You think they're saints, for god's sake."

I stayed quiet now. I hated that he knew about Doyle. Leon walked over with the glowing stick and pressed it to the right side of my chest.

I clenched my eyes shut and tried to keep my cries in. I bit my lip when he took it off and my breathing was heavy. I looked down at it, it was an inverted cross. He put the iron back into the coal and I closed my eyes to calm my breathing. I didn't expect the iron to press back to my skin in the exact same spot. It hurt even more the second time around. Cries escaped me this time and he finally pulled it away again.

He put the brand back into the coal and picked up a small knife.

"Oh my god, just fucking kill me." I said in a bored voice as he approached with the knife. He slid it across both my wrists and blood trialled down them. I self-harmed when I was younger so my wrists and hips had a sort of tolerance now. It didn't hurt far as much as the brand.

He cut me a few times along my wrists and my thighs before he put the knife down. "Okay, I'm bored. Let's go."

The dom nodded and dropped me to the ground. My body hit the freezing concrete and he removed the cuffs. "Ready to give us the passwords yet or do we need to threaten someone else? I'm sure your boss would be happy to tell us if I held a gun to your head or a knife to your throat.

"Never will anyone tell you anything." I said quietly. He pulled my hair to make me stand and threw me back onto the chair.

"Want a cigarette?" Leon asked the dom.

"Yes." I said quietly.

"I guess you can have one." He shrugged his shoulders and the dom left one hand untied. He lit a cigarette, pressed it hard into my wrist until it went out, took another out of the box, gave it to me and lit it for me. I took it and took one puff. It was so relaxing just with one breath. I forgot the team was watching. They didn't know that I had ever smoked. I hadn't for years until today.

"You've done this before." The dom said as he lit his own cigarette.

I breathed the smoke out and looked at him, "I was a bad kid." I took another puff and blew a smoke ring, "Ha! Still got it."

"How are you possibly having a cigarette with us after what we just did to you?" Leon asked.

"It's not my first time." I rolled my eyes. "I'll give you the passwords if you untie me completely."

They looked at each other and considered it.

"I got a hit!" Garcia said excitedly, forgetting we could hear, I assumed, "Leon Jores."

The started arguing with each other then. After a few minutes of them yelling at each other, the dom drew a gun and held it up. "NO!" I yelled but I was too late in trying to stop him. A bullet went between Leon's eyes and he fell backwards. I dropped the cigarette at my side strategically where the lighter had fallen while looking at Leon's lifeless body in horror.

"You killed 5 innocent people; one man, two women and two children, and you feel sorry for a guilty man?" The dom asked me aggressively. "I was going to kill him before you anyway."

I went to reply by the lighter was a gas one like I had expected and it blew.


	3. Chapter 3

**Prentiss**

I had passed out from the smoke and my body was in a lot of pain. I blinked my eyes open and saw the room around me. Everything was destroyed, the unsub was what is suspected to be knocked out and I was burnt all over my body. It wasn't bad, which was surprising considering how close I was to the lighter. The door was open and I needed to take the advantage while he was out and I wasn't tied to a chair. The chair was in pieces as well as the rope that was holding me to it.

I stood and coughed as the smoke still drifted around the room. I walked out of the door and a staircase sat two steps from it. I closed the door behind me but didn't think to lock the 3 heavy deadbolts and went up the steps as quickly as I could. It wasn't as fast as I wanted. My ears were ringing, my head was throbbing horribly, everything was hurting and I mean _everything_ and I felt extremely dizzy. I felt like I couldn't stay on my feet properly.

I opened the door at the top of the stairs to see the kitchen of a small home. I looked out the closet window. There was nothing but grass, trees and a thin dirt road. I was on a farm with no visible animals. I turned and looked through the kitchen frantically for a phone. I found a cell and fumbled and almost dropped it as I walked around the house, touching the walls to keep myself standing. Hotch picked up within the first three rings.

"Agent Hotchner." His voice sounded agitated, tired and upset.

"It's me."

"Prentiss." His voice changed and was now filled with relief. "I'm putting you on speaker."

I wanted half a second before I could hear background noises.

"How do you have a phone? What happened?" JJ asked. "Why'd the call disconnect?" Her voice made it very clear that she had been crying.

"I dropped the cigarette near the lighter and it was gas and it blew up. I came to before the unsub did so I ran out and I found a phone."

"Where are you?" Reid asked. I could hear Garcia typing faster than ever before, probably trying to track this phone.

I unlocked the door and walked out onto the porch of the house. It was dark; I hadn't realised how late it was. "I'm on secluded land."

"Where is the secluded land?"

"Reid, all I can see is grass and trees, and I can barely see them because it's so dark out. I have no fucking idea—"

"Okay, stop." JJ cut me off. "Is there a car around?"

I looked around, "Not that I can see but I wouldn't be able to drive it if there was."

"Why?" Garcia asked. I heard the typing stop momentarily before Derek told her to keep trying.

"I'm not going to be awake much longer. I'm going to pass out soon."

"Why?" Reid asked.

"Because I just breathed in a whole lot of smoke, I can't see straight because my vision is blurry and my head hurts and every single part of my body is aching so much that I really want to cry right now."

" _Every_ part?" JJ asked hesitantly.

I cleared my throat and it hurt a lot. I walked down the steps, not answering JJ. I knew what she was referring to but I didn't want to get into that with any of them, especially not the males. I spun around on the grass as I heard him yell my name. My breathing picked up and I froze, panic growing inside of me.

"Emily, run." Rossi said.

"Keep the phone on, I'm so close." Garcia said quietly. I started to run in the opposite direction from the house but close to the dirt road.

"Emily!" He yelled aggressively. I knew he was following me but I didn't know how far behind he was.

"I've got her! I've got it! Go, I'll patch your cars into the call so you can hear." Garcia said as I heard the chairs moving.

"Can Will back us up?" I heard Hotch ask as his voice faded.

I ran in silence, levelling my breathing so I would last longer. I kept Garcia to my ear. After a while of sprinting for my life, I had to stop running and I had to walk to the side and find the road again. "Garcia, I need you to do something for me."

I whispered through the phone. I couldn't hear anything but typing so I figured the team wasn't connected.

"Anything." She said quickly.

"I need you to take care of Sergio for me and I need you to tell the team that I love them and that this isn't their fault. They always feel guilty over something that isn't their fault."

"You can tell them yourself and Sergio is already in my office." She said.

"Garcia—"

"Emily." Derek cut me off, "Do not die on me. Not again." So they were connected after all.

"Are you all there?"

"Yes." Rossi said.

"You're all awfully quiet."

"We're close." Hotch said.

"How close? Because I can't run anymore without passing out and I can see him." I lowered my voice as I observed him on the other side of the dirt road.

"Get away from him." Derek said.

"What do you want me to do, Morgan? I legitimately cannot do anything. I hate to admit it but he did more damage than Doyle did."

"How did he know about Doyle?" Garcia asked. "Leon, I mean."

"Maybe he worked for him. That would explain why out of every FBI agent here, they chose me. I don't have anything else to offer."

"What was that about you killing 5 innocent people?" Reid asked.

I avoided the question, "I lost him." My voice was even quieter now.

"We're on the dirt road." Rossi said quietly.

Everything went silent then, "Garcia?" No reply, "Guys?" Nothing. I saw the black cars drive very slowly up the road then as to not draw attention or make much noise. They were a far way away and the cars stopped. The jumped out with their guns and turned the torches on, searching through the trees. I started moving forwards in the tree line.

I went to stand and go to them but cold hands grabbed me. I gasped and dropped the phone as I felt a cold, sharp object against my neck. He stood up and pulled me onto the road, holding the knife ready with his other arm across my chest, holding me still. I looked up and saw a star filled sky. It was pretty. I started counting them to keep myself calm but I was so exhausted that I kept losing track after 5.

"Don't shoot, straight ahead." JJ said to the others. They all turned to face us. Reid's weapon faltered slightly but he gained control over himself quickly. They slowly walked towards us and stopped when I took in a gasp of a breath. He had pushed the knife closer to my neck, although the actual blade wasn't on my skin.

"One more step and I'll slice her throat open." He said in a desperate voice. He was just as afraid as I was. My anxious, fast breathing was tiring me out quickly and my vision blurred again . My chest felt heavy and I could feel myself starting to lose consciousness.

"We need to get her to a hospital. She is going to pass out and we need to help her." Reid said. I assumed now that I was visibly falling weaker.

"I'll take her place, just let her go first." JJ said.

"Do _you_ have the passwords?"

"She doesn't but I do and if you drop the knife then I'll give you the answers you want." Hotch said. Did he even have the passwords?

The unsub hesitated. He didn't know what to do or if he should trust him. He regained his composure quickly, "No you won't. Say bye—"

The loud shot from Derek's gun sent my ears ringing again. There was blood on me but I didn't even have time to drop my head to see if I was injured or even drop it level again before everything went black, noises seemed far away before they disappeared altogether and I lost consciousness. The last thing I heard was JJ shriek my name with such apprehension that my guilt grew even more. I didn't even know that was possible.


	4. Chapter 4

**Prentiss**

I woke to the plain white room, the recurring beep of the heart monitor and the low volume of the TV were the only things telling me I wasn't dead. I wish I was dead. I don't know how long I was out but when I was, it was like I dreamt the whole past week again. It was terrible and every time I relived those mornings and nights when they took my dignity from me, leaving me with none, I felt like a part of me actually died.

I moved my head, stretching my neck slightly. Judging by the pain and discomfort of it, I assumed I had been in that same position for quite a while. It was a struggle to open my eyes, but once I blinked them open, they adjusted quickly and I was able to see everything clearly. There were several different bunches of flowers and I knew the majority were from Garcia, maybe one from JJ. I didn't know anyone else.

"Oh, you're awake!" A nurse said enthusiastically. "I know you're probably not fond of people you don't know right now so do you want me to tell your family you're awake and bring them to you?" I nodded and she smiled before walking out.

After a few minutes, Hotch and Rossi walked in. I don't know why, but fear spread through me when I saw them. I calmed it down the best I could. They were my boss and the closest thing I had to a father. They were my close friends. Why did this scare me? It didn't last week.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Hotch asked. I don't know why but everything inside of me was screaming and stopping me from speaking. I didn't reply and he looked rather suspicious because of that.

"Maybe we should have sent JJ in first, calm her down, let her wrap her head around what happened." Rossi said to him quietly. He approached the side of the bed and I instinctively flinched away, regretting my movement immediately. I wanted to apologise and tell him I wasn't scared of him but I just couldn't do it. He looked at Hotch and he nodded. Rossi looked back down at me, "We love you, Em." They both walked out.

JJ came in after 30 seconds, looking eager to see me. She walked straight to my side and I didn't flinch. She had tears on her cheeks and filling her eyes. She put her arms around me and kissed my cheek, "My god, we were all so worried. I had no idea what to do while you were nowhere to be found but then we saw you on the screen and it was just so hard to watch and then he was holding the knife to your throat and then you passed out and slipped into a coma and I've been worried sick." I don't think she took a breath the whole time.

"A coma?" I asked quietly, my voice husky and low, like it wouldn't get any louder. It hurt a lot to speak, too.

She nodded, "Yeah, but try not to speak. They damaged your trachea when they choked you, not extremely bad, but you shouldn't be talking yet. Your wrist is fractured and your jaw was slightly misplaced but they fixed that already. The burns weren't serious and they're almost cleared already. There was something else but you don't need to worry about it now."

I went to speak but she held her finger up, "Don't. I'll get a pen and piece of paper." She disappeared out the door but came back within minutes. She gave them to me.

 _'How long was I out?'_ "3 days." She answered easily.

 _'What is it that I don't need to worry about?'_ "Just, please don't make us tell you yet? You're going to be fine, you're healing great, but we just don't want to mention it yet."

I dropped the pen and nodded. It was the least I could do for them.

"So the team really wants to see you. Garcia has been crying for a week straight, Reid cried again today, Morgan is just full of anger and sorrow and guilt, Hotch and Rossi have no idea what to do. They don't know how to handle us and you obviously can't be on the team for a while but they're worried about what you'll do when you're not. They think you're not going to talk to them, Morgan or Reid for a while or even let them near you."

"I'm sorry." I croaked out.

She shook her head, "None of this is your fault, but don't speak! Hotch and Rossi are right, aren't they?"

I picked up the pen. ' _I flinched from Rossi'._ She read it and gave me a sympathetic look. I pressed the pen back to the paper. ' _I don't want any pity'._

She nodded and apologised. "Do you want to see them?"

 _'Do they want to see me?'_ She smiled, "Of course they do. I'll go get them." She brushed my hair behind my ear and walked out quickly.

I flipped the page over and wrote a big "I'm so sorry" with a large love heart beside it and underlined it twice. JJ walked in, followed by the others and I held it up in front of my face.

She walked over and took it out of me hand gently as not to startle me. "No."

"Why could I talk properly the other day and not now?" I asked.

"You voice was worse the other day over the phone." Garcia said, "Didn't you notice? The nurse said it would have caused you a lot of pain." She walked over quickly and hugged me gently.

"I was more focused on the other pain." I said quietly.

They all looked at JJ. "Did you tell her?" Reid asked. I felt safer with JJ and Garcia by me.

JJ shook her head, "I left that out."

"Isn't immediate family only supposed to get the information?" I asked.

"I'm your emergency contact…and your mother couldn't get here." Hotch said, "So they told me."

"My mother couldn't get here or mother didn't want to be here?"

"…The second option…" Rossi said honestly.

"I assumed so." I nodded and my hand brushed over my throat.

"Okay, stop talking." She gave the paper back and laid it underneath the pen on my lap.

"Agent Hotchner? We've got results back from the scan and its confirmed." The nurse said from the door. She apologised for interrupting and left again.

"What's confirmed?" I asked him. He hesitated and looked at JJ then Rossi, "Tell me before I get up and find out myself."

He sighed and looked down, "Can you wait a while? At least until you can speak without pain? Because trust me, you will wish you waited if I tell you now."

I rolled my eyes, "Fine."

I looked at Morgan. His is the only voice I hadn't heard yet. I knew he was thinking about the last time he lost me as soon as his eyes met mine. He was standing back from the others and looking down.

"Oh, I forgot to mention the ambulance and then before they declared it a coma…" JJ said quietly.

"Do you want us to go?" Reid asked.

"It's not as personal as the other thing." JJ shook her head, "Uh...Em? You flatlined twice. You died. Twice. The first time was 12 minutes and the second was 27."

"Why couldn't I have stayed dead?" I mumbled and dropped my head to the side.

"Prentiss." Hotch said sternly in a scolding manner.

I glanced at him and shook my head. I was exhausted and sore.

* * *

After 5 very long days, I was allowed to go home. I wasn't to return to work or do anything physical. I was on bed or desk rest, but only a desk at home. I wasn't supposed to go to the precinct at all, but I'd fix that.

I still wasn't told the thing that they were all so inclined to keep from me. JJ drove me home, sat on my bed and talked like nothing was wrong to not upset me while I packed my things and we went to her house.

I was planning on staying at my apartment or a hotel but she insisted I stay with her. I lost count of the times I cried in the hospital. I had an anxiety attack when a male doctor came near me while the whole team was present, scaring Morgan, Reid, Rossi and Hotch too much for them to even come in the room afterwards. The overwhelming guilt made me feel sick every time I thought about the pain I had caused them.

It was the first day after leaving hospital now. Last night was my first night at JJ's where I got no sleep at all and cried for the majority of the night. Will was taking Henry to school. He was in kindergarten now. I assumed JJ told Will that I reacted very badly to the male species at the moment so he made sure he was always in a different room and didn't seem to mind having to change what he was doing if I came into the room. I was so grateful and I would thank him a million times when I was able to speak or stay calm around him again.

Henry was okay; he didn't scare me. He hugged me ever so gently when he saw me and returned to playing with his toys.

JJ had sat with me for a while before she needed to go to work. She offered to stay with me all day but I assured her that I'd be fine. She made sure to lock all the doors as to keep me feeling as safe as possible and squeezed my shoulder comfortingly before leaving. "You call me for anything, okay? I'll come right back. _You_ are my priority right now."

"Thanks Jayje." I said quietly, but voice still very croaky.

She left and I read the newspaper on the table, seeing what had happened while I was out of the world and I resorted to reading one of the many books on one of their bookshelves.

Will came home after a while and tried to walk through the kitchen undetected by me, "Hey Will?" He stopped and looked at me hesitantly, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to come in and intrude on your life." I couldn't look at him without freaking out so I kept my eyes on the page of words.

"No Emily, it's fine. Take as long as you need to recover. Your team will be waitin'."

I nodded and heard him leave. I missed being able to have a conversation with him and I missed my team. I wanted to see all six of them and be solving cases with them and be as comfortable with them as I was last month, but I didn't know if it would ever be like that again.

I returned to my book and answered JJ's half hourly texts to see if I was okay or if I needed anything. Hours passed. and Will had already left for work.

"Hey JJ." I picked up her call.

"Are you okay?" She asked, her voice anxious. I was on speaker. I could hear background noises.

"I'm fine."

"You didn't answer the last three of my texts, Will isn't there to keep an eye on you and I'm freaking out."

"JJ—"

"I'm coming home."

"No."

"I'll be there soon. Hotch already approved me to work from home until a case arises."

I sighed but I didn't argue like I wanted. I didn't want to keep talking, I just wanted to continue sitting in complete silence, staring at the roof and replaying the past week over and over in my head. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't let it go. Granted, it was only very recent.

JJ returned home before long and she made me food which I had to force down. I wasn't hungry and I didn't want to eat but I didn't eat at the hospital and she threatened to call Hotch if I didn't here.

"Movies?" She asked me.

"Sure." I said in a tired voice.

"We can watch them in your room. I can't imagine how tired you must be.

"Can you tell me what everyone wouldn't in the hospital now?" I asked as we walked down the hall.

"Later. You need your rest."


	5. Chapter 5

**Prentiss**

I woke up to blood curdling screams and it took a few seconds of panic to realise they were mine and not JJ's. She came running in with Will behind her, both holding their guns. My screams stopped and turned into an anxiety attack. Henry walked up behind Will and he lifted him up, taking him away from the room and JJ uncocked her gun, placed it on the drawers beside the door and walked quickly to my side, sitting beside me and pulling me into her. She called Will softly and asked him to get a glass of water.

After a long while, I calmed down and insisted that JJ go back to sleep after several apologies. She assured me that it was fine and to call her if I needed anything or couldn't fall asleep. Once she left, I sat in bed until I was sure that they were all asleep again and I got changed and walked out of the house silently.

I walked around the deserted streets, hands stuffed in my jacket pockets and my boots clicking quietly. The only people up right now around here would be the criminals, their victims and me. I wished I was a victim right now. _No. Stop. You can't do that to your team. They said they loved you. But did they mean it? Were they just trying to make me think I had support? They're probably disgusted with me; I know I am._

I stopped and sat down on the curb for a while, tears streaming down my cheeks. I was a tough girl; never crying over anything unless it was very serious, like a death or severe injury in our team or Sergio when he goes to the vet. Okay, that's not very serious when he's just going for a check-up but I still cry.

I lost track of time after I started walking again. I had turned my phone off and it took me a while to realise that the streets were getting slightly occupied. It must be almost sunrise; all the early workers were up and going to their workplace. I made my way back to JJ's and I didn't notice how far I had gotten. It was early light when I got there and I noticed 3 cars out the front. Hotch's, Rossi's and Morgan's. Shit. I closed the gate behind me and walked up the path and JJ met me at the door. "Where the hell did you go!?"

"…For a walk…"

"I drove around the streets for a half hour looking for you and I couldn't find you. Will and I have been freaking out and I called the team because I thought something happened and—"

"JJ." My voice sounded slightly better today, "I'm a big girl." I walked passed her and into the house. I would have rathered to stay at a hotel but she just wouldn't accept in when I brought it up.

"No. It's only been a week since you got out. You woke up in stomach dropping screams and then you left! Do you have any idea what could—"

"I'm not a child, JJ! I can fend for myself." I walked out of the living room where the whole team and Will sat in silence. My face flushed red once I turned the corner. I knew that was going to come back and bite me in the arse sooner or later. I packed my things into my bag and walked back out with it.

"Where are you going?" Will asked.

"Anywhere."

"Emily, I swear to god if you walk out that door." JJ warned.

"What are you going to do? You're making me feel like a rebellious teenager." I tried my best to ignore the observing team and their worried faces. Even Hotch wasn't his hard, emotionless self.

"If you leave, I can't tell you that thing I've been putting off."

"Then tell me now." I turned around from the door and looked at her. I was going to try and keep my face blank but I realised that it already was. I wasn't feeling anything right now. It was like my emotional senses were numb.

"Sit." She said softer. I stared at her and waited without moving. She sighed, "Fine. Emily, from the amount of times and the force they used when they…raped you… and beat you, they left you unable to conceive."

I rolled my eyes, "If I wanted kids JJ, I'd adopt." I said before turning and opening the door. I walked out and heard footsteps run after me. I thought it was JJ but then I realised the sound of the unmistakable shoes hitting the ground. I turned and looked at Reid, "Stop. I don't want to freak out unintentionally."

He started talking about what they all felt when I was gone tears were filling his eyes as he did. He wasn't taking a breath; he talked extremely quickly. He talked for a long time and I hadn't realised how I affected them. "Emily, we thought we lost you. Please, don't make us feel that again. If I could hug you, I would hold you tighter than ever right now and that's saying something because I don't hug. I know you're feeling worthless and like you don't matter to anyone right now and you're disgusted with yourself but I want you to know that we all love you and we don't think any less of you. What happened to you wasn't your fault, it was ours more than yours, and we are so sorry that it happened. Just, please don't walk out on us. Morgan is about done with the amount of times you've been gone due to danger and he is getting less and less like himself. Hotch isn't as guarded, JJ and Garcia are more emotional than ever and Rossi is really quiet all the time. I just want my best friend back." He finished. "You can talk to me, Emily. I won't tell anyone anything; I promise."

I soaked in the ending of his speech and looked at his glistening eyes; his cheeks wet with the few tears that he let himself shed. I stepped forwards and didn't panic for the first time since my kidnapping. I put my arms around his neck and he sobbed with his head bowed to my shoulder. A few tears fell from my eyes too but I wiped them away subtly before he noticed. "Spencer, I'm going to a hotel, not a grave." I assured quietly, "I'll admit, it's been a rollercoaster of a week and I have thought of a way out but I realised what it would do to you all and I'll try my hardest not to let that overcome me, Reid. If that feeling does come up again, you'll be the first to know. I promise."

He sobbed harder and I hushed him quietly. I held him tightly, comfortingly and assured him again that I wasn't planning on going anywhere. I saw Hotch at the door over Reid's shoulder. He watched us intently and looked more concerned than I had ever seen him for anyone on our team. Eventually, Reid had calmed down and I walked back inside with him, making sure he was okay. I left my bag outside because I was still intending on going to a hotel but Will had disappeared from the room and I glanced at him when he walked back in, carrying my things. JJ closed and locked the door once he got inside and stood in front of it.

"I hope you don't think that I won't push passed you…" I said to her quietly, standing from my seat beside Reid.

"Wasn't that enough to convince you to stay? Reid never does that." JJ said.

"Everyone has their breaking point…" Rossi said quietly.

I took my phone out of my pocket and looked at the time, "Don't you guys need to go to work?"

"Nope." Garcia smiled. "Not until there's a case and Strauss calls me."

"Oh…magnificent."

"You just told me that you weren't leaving!" Reid stressed, looking up at me.

"I said I wasn't dying, I didn't say I wasn't leaving the place where I know you're all going to attack me…wrong choice of words…lecture. I meant lecture." I corrected myself when Hotch raised his eyebrows at the word 'attack'.

"Why did you think she was dying?" JJ asked, "Em, please tell me you're not suicidal."

I groaned, "I'm not going to kill myself! Now stop bringing it up before Hotch sends me to a mental institution."

"I was thinking about it before this conversation, actually." Hotch said.

"Okay." I walked out of the room and down the hall to where I had been sleeping. I couldn't see my bag anywhere to I walked back to the living room. "Will, we'd you put my bag?"

"…Somewhere."

"I will tear this place apart. That has my boots in it."

"When your boots are more important than your friends." Garcia said quietly.

"No, that's not what I—Garcia, you know that isn't true. I just—Argh!" I turned and walked back out. I searched around my room for the bag before going to JJ and Will's. JJ started following me around as I did and I discovered it in Henry's room under his bed. I didn't know where he was. Maybe a friend's mum picked him up when JJ freaked out about my whereabouts. "Ah huh!" I pulled it out and walked back to the living room with it. I looked at Will, "Nice try."

"Emily, please just sit down?" JJ begged.

"I'm gonna go, and I'll come and see you when I'm in a better mood, okay?"

"No, not okay." JJ shook her head, "I don't—" She stopped short of her sentence, closing her mouth and glancing at Will.

"You don't what?" I pushed. She shook her head. "JJ, you don't _what?_ " I forced it out of her.

"I…I don't trust you."

"Of course you don't." I rolled my eyes, picked up my bag and I left quicker than any of them could catch me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Prentiss**

" _Emily please. It's been a week since you left. You haven't picked up or returned my calls. Please, just call me once so I know you're okay? Love you."_ I listened to JJ's message, the hundredth she had left me since I left her house last week.

" _Hey Em, I know you told me you would let me know and I know you'll keep to your word, but I'm worried. Please call me when you get this."_ I sighed as Reid's voice stopped.

I listened to Morgan's next. _"Call me Emily. Seriously, none of us can concentrate at all. Strauss temporarily suspended the whole team. Hotch too. I wasn't supposed to tell you that so you didn't hear it from me, but just call me. I miss you."_

" _My god, you're driving us all insane, Emily! I need you in my life, so don't you dare leave me hanging. I love you so much and I can't go this long without seeing you again! Call me or anyone. Please, just let us know you're okay. Garci out."_

I didn't want to listen to Rossi's or Hotch's, but I couldn't bring myself not to. It was Rossi's first. _"Call someone, please, we're all worried sick. What you went through is terrible and we all understand that you might not want to be near anyone. All we ask is a call or a text so we know that you're safe. I had to stop Garcia from tracking you through purchases. We love you, Emily. I love you. Call."_

" _Prentiss, I need to know where you are and if you're safe. None of us are at work now but we're all together so call anyone. Normally I'd relate this to work but I'm going to go out on a limb here and hope it means something to you. We do love you, Prentiss, and we need to know you're safe before we can let ourselves sleep for even a few hours. We aren't disgusted with you and we don't think any less of you. You're important to us, Emily, and I know that the team is important to you, so call!"_

Tears streamed down my face. I was sitting in a hotel in Raleigh, North Carolina. It was about a 4 hour drive from Quantico. I had been drinking a lot and I had been trying to sleep with not much success over the week. Every day since I left JJ's house and the team, I was growing to hate myself more and more. I wanted to go back to Virginia, go back home, get the okay from the doctors and the therapist I was supposed to be seeing already but hadn't and I wanted to go back to work but I couldn't bring myself to do anything.

I picked my phone up and dialled Hotch's number. "Prentiss?" He answered on the first ring. A seconds silence before he spoke my name told me I was on speaker.

"I'm okay." My voice was tired, monotone and down.

"I've never heard someone sound so depressed in two words." Rossi said quietly.

"Who's there?"

"Everyone." Hotch said. "Now you can answer my question. Where are you?"

"North Carolina."

"Why?" Reid asked. "There's nothing in North Carolina except for the millions of museums. Not literally millions, I was over exaggerating, but you get what I mean."

"You seem back to your old self." I said quietly, finding relief in the idea that it was possible for them to be…them again.

"No he's not. No one is. Come back." Morgan said, "What you're doing isn't just affecting you. It's affecting all of us. Did you even listen to the messages we left?"

"The one about you all being temporarily suspended? Yeah, I listened."

"Snitch!" Morgan stressed, "I said you didn't hear it from me."

"I didn't say you told me at all. You did that yourself."

"Are you in Raleigh?" JJ asked, "Or a different city?"

"I've got to go."

"Please don't." It was very clear in her voice that Garcia had been crying. "Let us help you."

I sighed and bit my lip as I tried to keep the sobs in, "Bye." My voice was shaky and a strained, higher pitched tone. Now they knew that I was crying. I hung up and held my phone and declined the several calls coming through as they tried to reach me again.

" _I just need to say one thing. I won't even have you on speaker."_ Morgan texted. I read it and several seconds later, he rang me again.

I picked it up, "What?"

"Once a team, always a team. We're in this together, Emily, and I'll be damned if I let you get away from us that easily. I'm not letting you go. We understand—"

"No, you really don't, Morgan."

"I do." JJ said quietly.

"I thought you weren't going to have me on speaker."

"We know you were electrocuted too. Personally, I'm slightly offended that you kept that from us but I know all too well what it's like, Emily, and if I have to talk to you about it in front of the team then I will but I would really rather do it just the two of us. They don't need to know." JJ ignored my previous comment.

"That's one out of six and that one will tell the other five. Don't try and pretend you won't tell them everything. I'm fine and I need to go now." Tears rose inside of me again.

I sobbed and hung up, not letting anyone reply again. I know they heard the sob and I could almost sense the sadness through the phone. I dropped it and shook as the stress I was bringing on myself overwhelmed me. I decided to have a bath. There was a razor beside it and it's like my hands had a mind of their own. I removed the blade from the razor and stared at it for a few seconds before pressing it and sliding it along my skin, tearing my wrist. It was going to be once, but I couldn't help but inflict more and more.

* * *

I woke up to the light shining through the gap in the curtains. It was right on my face and I rolled over before yelping quietly and jumping up. I had leant on my wrist and wasn't prepared for the pain. I looked at the door across the room, it was unlocked. I swear I locked it last night. I definitely locked it. I kept all windows and doors locked even if I was awake and there were several people in the house. It drove JJ insane whenever she went to walk outside but the door was locked. I grabbed my gun instinctively and slid out from the bed silently. I walked to the bathroom, the closest door, and checked for someone. I moved to the kitchen and dining next; it was around a wall and hidden in the far left corner of the hotel room. It was tucked away in the small place. I held my gun steady and jumped when I saw the team at the table. I lowered the gun as JJ dropped her spoon into the cup and lifted her hands slightly.

"I told you we should have told her we were coming, but no one ever listens to Reid. Let's just almost get shot instead. We could have given her a heart attack. She was kidnapped from her home, she is now in a hotel and we broke in. We should—"

"Oh my god! Reid!" Garcia cut him off in an irritated tone.

"You look terrible." Rossi said.

I took a breath and turned and walked out of that room. "Did anyone else see her wrist?" I heard Reid asked quietly.

I put my gun back in the draw of the nightstand, locked the door and jumped back on the bed. I pulled the blankets over to completely cover me as I heard the team walk into the main room where the bed sat opposite the door.

"Prentiss." Hotch said, trying to get me to look at them.

I ignored him and buried my face further into the pillow. Maybe I would suffocate if I tried hard enough.

"Prentiss, you need help." Morgan said in an irritated tone.

"I'm fine." I said quietly.

"No you're not. Does cutting your wrists mean your fine? Because if it does then I have been looking at it wrong my whole life. Trying to do this on your own is just going to land you in the morgue."

"I did not cut my wrists. It was an accident."

"See, we're profilers, and we have also seen it many times before. That is no accident." Reid said.

I groaned and buried my face even further. I felt a small weight sit beside me and JJ pulled the blankets away from my head. "Get up. We're going back to Virginia."

" _You're_ going back to Virginia. _I'm_ moving to the next state."

"Just doing some light travelling?" Garcia asked sarcastically.

"At least no one can get to me if I'm constantly on the move…except for you guys…but that's just because of your resources."

"Do not make me lift you up and carry you to the car." Morgan said.

"Touch me and I will kill you."

"I don't think touching her as a male right now would do you any good…" JJ said quietly.

"Oh my god. I'm fine." My voice was muffled by the pillow. This is the most I've spoken since JJ's house the morning Reid cried and I left. At least I could talk properly now.

"I went through less than you and I wasn't fine for a month."

"Yeah well, I don't care about it."

"Stop pretending that you're fine, Emily!" Garcia said.

"Go. Home." I said to them flatly.

"Fine." JJ stood up. I moved the blanket slightly and peaked out, watching her walk to the door slowly with her eyes on me. "Are you really not going to stop me?"

"Bye." I threw the blanket back over me.

"Okay, we'll leave your room but we're not leaving the hotel. We'll be in the rooms either side when you decide you want to talk." Hotch said as he opened the door and waited for the team to walk out. The exited unwillingly and left me in silence. Tears fell from my eyes again. I didn't want to exist right now.

" _You'd be the first to know."_ I texted Reid about an hour after their exit. I instantly regretted sending it. I knew he'd tell at least Hotch and Rossi and maybe even the other three.

After a minute or two, I heard knocking on my door. I groaned and dragged myself back off the bed. I had a very quick shower about 20 minutes ago and it took an addition 15 to get my wrists to stop bleeding. I opened the door a jar and looked at Reid on the other side. He held up a bottle of vodka and I opened the door more. He smiled and walked in.

He got two glasses from the kitchen and sat down at the dining table across from me. "Fresh." He said quietly, motioning to my wrist. My sleeve had ridden up and I yanked it back down.

Silence filled the room as we drank for a while, "I'm sorry." I broke it after a while.

He put his glass down, "We're here for you, Emily. We just want you to talk about it and heal. It's all we ever want."

I took a calming breath to stop the anxiety rising inside of me. I don't even know why it was. "And I'm sorry you got suspended."

"It was for the best. None of us were really helping anyone."

"Why have I caused all this? Nothing like this happened when you or JJ were held and hurt."

"I didn't go through as much. I had the drugs to help with the pain. It was the aftermath with the addiction that I needed help with. JJ went through a lot, but she wasn't continually raped. Her torture was similar though. I guess it's because we all knew that JJ had Cruz and I wasn't that important."

"You are important, Reid. You always have been and you always will be."

"Back at you. If you can say that to me, then why can't you believe it for yourself?"

"Reid, I don't see myself on your level. I am much, _much_ lower."

"You're not. Just because you feel your dignity was ripped from you as a result of those cruel men, we still see you as the same as the rest of us. You are Supervisory Special Agent Emily Prentiss. You were before and you are now."

"Why is it that I can't handle Morgan, Hotch or Rossi but I can you?"

"Because I'm not intimidating?"

"But Morgan's my partner, Hotch is my boss and primary support when I need him to be and Rossi is father to me. Why is it just you?"

"Maybe it's just because I'm younger? I don't know. When traumatic things happen, our brain doesn't fully process what we already know but rather replaces it with memories and relates everything to the event. While you know that you love them and that they love you and they won't hurt you, your subconscious mind is keeping you from acting off of that knowledge."

"Reid?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

He smiled, "Always."


	7. Chapter 7

**Prentiss**

It had been a few nights since my talk with Reid. I realised this morning as I thought about it that even though he was talking about what I went through, he was distracting me from the feelings I was having moments before I texted him. I actually left my room today, expecting them to be gone, but Rossi walked out of his room beside mine at the same time I did.

"Oh my god, you're out of bed _and_ out of your room." He said, his door still open. Hotch walked out and stood beside him.

I nodded and turned, walking towards the elevators.

"Wait, where are you going?" Reid asked as he, JJ and Garcia walked out of the room at the other side of mine as I walked passed their door.

"I told you. The next state."

"Why now?"

I turned and looked at him, "Because I have found it almost impossible to get out of bed for 2 days."

"Well…you're depressed, Emily."

"No, I'm tired." I rolled my eyes and turned, continuing to the elevators. Morgan walked around the corner as I approached it carrying 7 coffees.

"Hey."

"I feel like you all just unintentionally cornered me." I sighed and looked down. Morgan held a cup out to me. I looked back up and stared at him for a few seconds. He nodded and I took the cup hesitantly, "Thanks."

"Anything for you, beautiful." He smiled and walked passed towards the others. The memories hit me quickly and an anxiety attack occurred inside of me almost immediately after he called me 'beautiful'. My kidnapper, rapist and assistant torturer had called me that several times. I tried to keep it hidden but who was I kidding, they're profilers. JJ walked to me quickly and put her arms around me. I gave into her assurances that it was okay to cry and I sobbed into her shoulder.

Eventually, she led me back to my room where all 7 of us sat at the dining table and I lay with my head in my arms. I had taken my jacket off in the moment of anxiety and I forgot that I was wearing a short sleeved shirt. My wrist was completely visible to them.

They sat in silence until I had completely calmed down and I lifted my head. I moved my left arm to my lap under the table to hide the cuts I knew they already saw and I leant my head into my right hand.

"We already saw—"

"I know." I cut Reid off quietly.

"At least you didn't try to deny it this time…"

I sighed and sat back, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "Sorry Morgan. It wasn't you, it was just because one of the guys called me beautiful whenever he…yeah."

"Sorry." He said sympathetically. I felt a sudden craving for a cigarette. I stood up and slid my jacket back on.

"Please don't leave." JJ said quietly. Her voice was soft this time compared to her argumentative tone she had been using lately.

"Relax; I'm going across the street. If you're that worried, you can watch me from the window."

Reid stood, "Even better, I'll come with you."

I wanted to decline but something told me he wanted to talk so I just rolled my eyes and grabbed my handbag. He followed me out and I heard the others start to discuss me as Reid closed the door.

"Why are we going across the street?" He asked as we stood in the elevator.

I looked at him at my side and hesitated before replying, "Cigarettes. Don't tell the others."

He looked at me with worried eyes, "Are you addicted to the nicotine already?"

I took a breath to calm myself and ignored his question. I wasn't sure. All I knew was I had run out and I needed more.

We walked through the lobby and across the street. I looked up and glanced at all the windows. I saw JJ watching from mine and I shook my head, continuing into the store with Reid. "Why doesn't she trust me?"

"She's been where you are. She knows what you're feeling." He said innocently, not trying to piss me off at all. I tried my best to stay neutral as I walked to the register and got the Winston cigarettes.

"You know that the American Spirit ones are organic, better for you." Reid said quietly as I swiped my card.

"Reid, if you're going to come, I need you not to judge."

"I'm not judging you, I was just saying."

I smiled weakly at him and thanked the cashier as we walked back out. I got the lighter from my bag and took a cigarette out of the packet. I offered him one but he raised his eyebrows and politely declined. We stood outside of the store as I relaxed with the smoke going in and out of my lungs. Reid waited patiently, looking around with a small smile.

"Why are you smiling?" I asked him as I breathed the smoke out.

"No reason. I just feel like you're kind of comfortable with me and that makes me happy."

I smiled at him and nodded. I glanced back at the window where Hotch was standing. He looked from us to his phone and then back to us. "Shit. Hotch is watching." I said as I turned around and cleared the smoke from around us.

Reid's phone buzzed and he looked down, "Hotch asked if you were smoking and to tell you to put it out right now and come back to the room if you are."

"Hotch can wait." I said quietly, "You can go back if you want."

"No, it's okay. As much as you deny it, I know you enjoy the company."

I nodded, "Okay, you got me there."

He smiled, taking pride in the fact that he was right and that I enjoyed having him around.

* * *

I sat in complete silence for a good 15 minutes as Rossi and Hotch lectured me. I didn't try to defend myself or anything. I let them talk as much as they wanted. I was sick of arguing and even talking to anyone. All I wanted right now was to go pick up Sergio and go home.

After Hotch and Rossi ran out of things to say, JJ tried to make me talk again but I didn't give in. They didn't need to deal with this as well. I was too strained in my own mind; I couldn't imagine how they would feel having their own issues and then mine being placed on top of that.

"Will you at least come back to Virginia?" She asked in a worn out voice. They all looked exhausted. I was draining them. I pang of guilt spread through me.

"Can I go back to my apartment?" I asked, "By myself? And can I have Sergio back?"

"He's waiting for you very impatiently." Garcia said.

"Who's feeding him right now?"

"…Kevin. I had no one else to ask."

"Oh, so he's dead. Great."

"Kevin has a cat, doesn't he?" Morgan asked Garcia.

"Dog, but same thing."

"They are certainly not the same thing." I shook my head.

"Never mess with a cat woman…" Rossi said quietly, "So never compared cats to dogs."

"If you can take Sergio and go back to your apartment, will you come back to Virginia with us?" Hotch asked.

I nodded and I saw the relief fill all six pairs of eyes when I looked around. This was going to be a long drive no matter who I drove with.

"You're with Rossi, JJ and I." Hotch said to me as he stood up, "Get your things." I hesitated before standing and walking to the bathroom to pack the limited amount of things I had gotten out of my bag and put them back in. I grabbed the bathrobe and put it in the bag too.

"You're stealing a bathrobe?" Garcia asked as they walked into the main room.

"It's really soft…" I said quietly as I zipped the bag up.

"You're ready already?" Rossi asked, "That was quick. Alright, let's go."

I sighed and followed them out, closing the door and locking it behind me. I went downstairs and checked out before making my way outside. The others checked out of their rooms and I lit a cigarette outside.

"Seriously? That's disgusting." JJ said as they walked outside and I was only a quarter way through. I shrugged my shoulders and flicked the ash off the end gently. They didn't rush me at all; instead, Rossi grabbed my bag with a comforting smile and put it in the car with his, Hotch's and JJ's. They all got in but left the doors open until I was finished. Morgan and Garcia were already in the other car too. I saw Hotch talking to JJ and she was silent. Was he lecturing her?

I went to walk to the car I was instructed to be in but Reid stopped me. "If JJ says anything that upsets you, let me know. It's not fair on you when she brings up things that she knows will set you off. Next time she does it, I'll say something so text me if it happens."

I smiled appreciatively, "I appreciate your support Reid, but I don't want her to be angry with you as well." We spoke low enough that they wouldn't hear.

"I don't care about me or whether JJ is happy with me right now. I care about you and how you're coping and whether you're going to be able to trust everyone again soon."

"It's not that—"

"Easy. I know." He nodded, "But I know that it's possible and I know that what you want more than anything is to be okay again. We're here to help you, Emily. And it's not just me, it's them as well." He motioned to the cars. I bit my lip and looked in to my right; the opposite direction from the cars and held the sobs that were rising in my throat back. My god, I had cried more this month than I have in a year.

"Thanks Reid."

"Just remember that we're here to support you. We are who you can turn to for anything." He said as he took a step back. I nodded and he walked to the car where Morgan and Garcia were waiting. I watched him for a second before taking a breath and walking to the other.

I got in and put the seatbelt on after Hotch demanded it. Safety first, I guess.

"What was that about with Reid?" Rossi asked me curiously, looking over his shoulder at me. Hotch was watching through the rear-view mirror as he pulled out onto the road behind Morgan.

"Uh, nothing…he was just making sure I was okay." I lied, looking out the window to avoid their eyes so I wouldn't give in and tell them what he actually said. I didn't want JJ to know about that. She would think he was taking sides between us. JJ was a very kind hearted person until she was really determined. Lately, I felt like I was a criminal and she was interrogating me every time she spoke.

"There were a lot of words…"

I sighed, "Okay, this was a mistake."

"No, Prentiss, you're doing the right thing for you and for the team." Hotch said, looking at me in the mirror again, "We needed to be in Virginia and you needed to be with us."

"I can fend for myself."

"No, not right now you can't." JJ said, "You're not thinking clearly and you're harming yourself and in turn harming us. Reid said he thinks you could even be suicidal. That kills us, Emily, more than you know. Do you remember back at my house last week, the same day you left us all there with Reid in tears and you told me that you weren't suicidal? You lied to me and that is exactly why I'm not going to trust you with much until you're visibly okay again. If it were something less serious, maybe I wouldn't be so hurt, but the fact that you legitimately want to die and leave us all here with nothing left of you, it is completely insane."

"…I never said or even hinted that I was suicidal." I said quietly after a few seconds of silence.

"Reid told us you are."

"Reid isn't always correct."

"He is _almost_ always correct." Rossi said, looking at me over his shoulder again.

"We're not having this conversation." I shook my head.

"Yes we are." Hotch said, "Prentiss, if it were just you, maybe I'd let you try and handle it on your own for a short while, but you are effecting the rest of my team and me significantly and it is my duty to make sure that you're all okay and you're mentally stable and you receive the help you need. The others all already agreed to see a therapist about the situation. I trust you will do the same."

"I choose the therapist." My voice was quieter than theirs.

"No—"

"Yes, Hotch. Do you want me to talk to someone or do you want me to sit in a room and continually roll my eyes as someone talks to me about things they don't understand?"

"You're only arguing this so that you don't have to see the Bureau's personal therapist."

"They would tell you everything."

"No, they wouldn't." He shook his head.

"I'm not risking it."

"Why would it be so bad if he knew? He's your boss and one of your main sources of support. He's not going to judge you or make you feel less than you are because—"

"Like you're doing now?" I cut JJ off.

"What?"

" _You're_ making me feel less than I am. You're putting me in a worse situation than is needed, JJ."

"I am not. I am trying to make you see that—"

"JJ." Hotch tried to stop her. She continued, ignoring the warning in his voice. I resorted to texting Reid as I felt the tears rising.

A minute later, Morgan was pulling over in front of us and Hotch followed as I knew he would. He went to get out to see what was wrong but I was already out of the car, as was Reid. "I can't do this." I said quietly, shaking my head as I reached him. He stopped momentarily and walked to JJ when Garcia joined my side. The quiet yelling starting between them made me feel worse and more tears filled and overflowed from my eyes as Garcia held me to her tightly.

Hotch broke them up and told JJ to get back in the car. She tried to argue but she obeyed after Hotch repeated his request with more intimidating force. He scolded Reid as they both walked over to me and Garcia let go when I heard their footsteps on the dry grass stop.

"Prentiss?" Hotch asked, his voice soft compared to his tone when talking to JJ and Reid.

I turned from Garcia and looked towards him as I wiped the few fresh tears from my cheeks. He motioned for the others to go back to the car and they walked back slowly, Garcia innocently questioning Reid about what was going on.

"What did you and Reid really talk about back before we left the hotel lot?"

I sniffed and wiped the tears from my eyes again, "He told me to text him if JJ upset me because she's been doing it more than a few times and she knows what she's doing. Reid thinks it isn't fair on me and he apparently doesn't care about himself or where he and JJ are at right now but that I'm okay and I'm coping."

He sighed and looked at each of the cars on either side of us for a few seconds in thought. "Okay, I'm not going to talk to you about this yet. I'm going to let you decide when you're comfortable to tell me because I know it isn't going to do any good by forcing you. Just know that I am available and so are the others. You can ride with them if you want."

I nodded, "Thank you."


	8. Chapter 8

**(I forgot to add this in yesterday's chapter) Hey guys, i'm sorry for not updating over the weekend; I took a small break to go on a road trip with some friends. My life's just one big mess right now, one thing going wrong after another so I decided to leave everything for a few days. But I'm back and I'm not planning on missing an update anytime soon.**

 **Let me know what you all think so far :)**

 **-A xx**

 **Prentiss**

It was a long night. We had got back to Virginia after dark, Hotch instructed JJ to swap cars with Garcia and I. Derek drove JJ and Reid home before going back to the precinct and then home, I assumed. Hotch drove us to Garcia's so I could retrieve my cat.

I walked in behind Garcia, Hotch and Rossi behind me. Sergio ran up to me, meowing as he did. I smiled and picked him up. He snuggled his head into my neck and I kissed his fur. I petted him a few times and Garcia smiled wide, "Adorable."

"This is the most I've seen you smile in two weeks." Rossi said quietly.

"I missed him." I defended innocently.

Garcia scoffed, "The moment you realise your best friend cares more about her cat than she does about you is the moment you start to question your friendship…"

"But I saw you on the screen, at least. And Sergio keeps me warm. When you lay with me every night and purr until I fall asleep, then I might miss you more."

"Deal." She joked with a smirk.

I smiled and shook my head.

"Alright, let's go." Hotch said, motioning for Rossi and I to walk out.

"Thanks for taking care of him, Pen." I said as I hugged her.

"Anytime." She nodded and waved as we walked out. She closed the door and I heard it lock behind us.

"Huh, it's not just me that keeps my doors locked at all times." I said as we walked back down the staircase and out to the car. We got in the car but Hotch didn't turn the key. He and Rossi were looking at each other, communicating silently.

Rossi turned and looked at me, "Can I cut a deal with you?"

I groaned and dropped my head, "I just want to go home."

"Please come and stay with me? You can bring Sergio and we can go to your place and get whatever you need but please stay at my house?"

I looked out the window and thought about the possibility of that happening.

"You know you'll enjoy the company and feel safer with the protection." Hotch said quietly.

"If I did, for how long?"

"Indefinitely." Rossi said.

I sighed, "Fine."

Rossi smiled, "Thank you."

"Is this such a big deal to everyone because of what Reid told you?" I asked hesitantly as Hotch pulled onto the road and drove towards my apartment.

Hotch looked at me through the rear-view mirror like he did on our way back to this state. "Yes."

I sighed and shook my head.

"Can you honestly tell me that he wasn't right?" Hotch challenged.

I cleared my throat and looked back at him in the mirror without replying.

"I thought so." He nodded and stopped at a red light. Silence filled the car except for the sound of Sergio purring in my lap. It went on for several minutes and it was deafening.

"Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be brave enough…" I said quietly after we turned onto the street of my apartment.

"Yet. If you don't let us or anyone else help you, it's just going to escalate." Rossi said.

"I'm not going to stay with you if you keep talking to me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm some young girl who doesn't understand what's going on and like I'm refusing help."

"You _are_ refusing help." Hotch said as he pulled into a parking space at the front of my building. I got out with Sergio in my arms and they were a step behind me.

"I'm not refusing help; I just don't want it yet."

"Why not?"

"Because I need to sort it out for myself before I bring you all into it."

"We're here for you to bring us into it. If we didn't want to be pulled into it, we wouldn't be continuously asking you." Hotch said.

I sighed and shook my head as I walked up the steps to the building entrance. Morgan stood leaning against the wall on his phone. I stopped at the top of the stairs and Rossi and Hotch moved to my sides. "What are you doing?" I asked Morgan.

He looked up and locked his phone, sliding it into his pocket. He stood up and held a key out to me. I gave him a questioning look. "I replaced your lock and added another in case you decided to come back."

I shook my head and took the key, "Thanks."

He talked to Rossi and Hotch as I walked inside, the three following me. I got to my apartment door and unlocked both locks and put Sergio down. Morgan closed the door behind him and locked it when I looked at him. I nodded and thanked him again before finding the cat carrier. Rossi's house was a little further than Sergio would like. I slipped a blanket into it and put it onto the dining table before walking around slowly, looking at all the things that I would eventually have to leave behind. I wasn't me anymore. This was my old life and I would never be able to return to it.

I got cat food, biscuits, his litter tray and litter and put it all in a separate bag to everything else. I packed new, clean clothes into my other bag and fit as much in as possible. I didn't know how long I would be staying with Rossi. He said indefinitely but I'd find a new place within a week or so if I was lucky. Luck wasn't really on my side at the moment, but things could always change.

* * *

I woke up and couldn't bring myself to get up. I was crying already, a second after my eyes opened. Sergio wasn't at my side where he used to always be. Rossi offered me whichever room I wanted; he had 9 spares in his mansion. I told him I didn't mind so he showed me to the one closest to his room. To keep as close of an eye on me as possible, no doubt.

My door was open ajar and I assumed Sergio must have been scratching at it so Rossi must have let him out. I heard laughter downstairs and knew it was Garcia instantly. I heard Jack and Henry, too. Was it Saturday already? They were all here and I was crying as soundlessly as I could manage in my temporary room.

"Do you think she's awake yet?" I heard JJ ask.

"Leave her be, JJ, you know you upset her." Will said. Great, he was here too.

"Yeah, but I want to apologise."

"Wait until she's ready to come out, then."

"Where are you going?" I heard Hotch ask.

"To see if she's awake. I haven't seen her in so long." Jack's voice spoke so innocently.

"No, stay down here and wait. Go play with Sergio again."

I heard his over exaggerated sigh, "Fine."

There was a moment of silence, or at least silence from what I could hear before Jack spoke again, "How come he's allowed to go and see her and I'm not?"

"Because I said so." Hotch said casually.

I waited to see who would be coming up to see me. After a short while, a small knock sounded and Reid poked his head in. He couldn't see my face but I could see his. He smiled when he saw me move, "Hey."

I tried to stop the sobs escaping my but I was not successful. "Do you want me to get JJ or Garcia?" He asked quietly.

"No." I said quietly. "I'm doing okay."

He approached slowly and sat on the side of the bed, "You can't stay in here all day. I know that it's hard and the depression will make it seem like you'll die if you get up but you will be okay if you don't stay in here. You'll be distracted and you'll be with good company."

I shook my head and wiped my tears away.

"Come on, we'll make fun of Morgan. Jack and Henry are playing with Sergio and it's adorable and JJ wants to apologise to you."

I shook my head again.

He sighed and stood up, "Okay." He sounded so helpless and upset. It was a sigh of defeat and I felt guilty as soon as I realised.

I sat up and wiped my eyes again. He turned around from between the bed and the door and looked back at me. His face lit up, "You're getting up."

"I feel bad." I admitted as I wrapped a blanket around me and stood, shuffling out of the room behind him. I walked down the staircase slowly so I wouldn't fall and lay on the ground as soon as we got to the living room where everyone else sat. I pulled the blanket over my head and lay as a heap on the carpet.

"She felt bad so she came down, not going to guarantee she'll do or say anything." Reid said.

"Bad day?" Rossi whispered quietly.

"Yeah." Reid replied.

"I am right here." I said, my voice muffled slightly by the blanket. "And I'm not deaf."

I felt a small weight walk over my legs and I smiled to myself. I missed Sergio so much. I pulled the blanket away from my face and patted him gently.

"Coffee?" Rossi asked me.

I smiled and he stood up. He reappeared within a minute or two and handed it to me. "Thanks."

"How are you under that thick blanket? It's really hot this afternoon." Morgan said.

I turned and looked at him, "Afternoon?"

He smiled and nodded, "It's just passed 2…"

"Aw, thanks for letting me sleep, Rossi." I was talking more than I would have liked but I didn't need another interrogation.

"I feel as though you might have physically harmed me if I tried to wake you up."

"You know, I wouldn't put it past me." I shook my head and gave him an amused smile.

"You seem happy today." Garcia smiled.

"Not every day is tears, Pen."

"You were crying 5 minutes ago…" Reid said.

"…And the motivation to appear okay is gone. Thanks Reid, you liar."

"What?"

"You can talk to me. I won't tell anyone, Emily. I promise." I quoted what he had said to me.

"This is different, you didn't talk to me, I just saw it happen."

"I wasn't talking about this." I shook my head.

"Then what else have I—oh…"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Hotch needed to know."

"Hotch didn't need to know." I shook my head. "And neither did anyone else."

"Not everyone knows." He tried. I gave him an obvious look and he sighed, "Yeah okay, everyone knows."

I drank the coffee and tuned out of their conversation, being dragged into my thoughts. JJ tapped my shoulder and pulled me from them after a while of my silence. She motioned for me to follow her and stood up. I sighed and stood, pushing Sergio off and following her while I still held the blanket around me.

She turned when we were in the kitchen, "Hey, I'm sorry." She said quietly, "I don't know why I was being so argumentative and non-supportive but I'm good now and I am not going to push or force you to speak or do anything and I'm here to support you 100 per cent in anything you choose. Except of course death and self-harm…"

I smiled weakly, "Thanks Jayje."

She nodded and hugged me. We returned to the living room as to not raise any suspicion and I lay back on the ground.

"Are you hungry?" Rossi asked me.

I shook my head, "No, thanks."

"…You didn't have dinner last night and probably not even lunch."

I looked at him and gave him warning through my eyes that I hoped no one else saw, "I'm okay."


	9. Chapter 9

**Prentiss**

Another week had passed and every time I decided to go house hunting, I would wake up in the worst mood, tears and all. The team was back at work now after they had all had a session with the Bureau's therapist and they were approved to go back. I hadn't talked to anyone except for Rossi since last week, and I didn't even give Rossi much. The man was offering me his home, love and support and I never gave him more than a few words.

I had an appointment with a therapist today under Hotch's request but I really didn't want to go. Anderson was instructed to pick me up and take me there but I already cancelled the appointment. I got my phone and called Anderson.

"Anderson." He answered.

"Hey, it's Prentiss. You were picking me up today, right?"

"Yeah, and dropping you back at Rossi's." He said.

"Yeah, thanks but I don't need the lift anymore. Change of plans. Please don't tell Hotch or anyone else, just cover me and say I went? If they ask how I reacted afterwards, just say I seemed normal, okay?"

"…Yeah, sure."

"Thanks Anderson; you're a life saver."

"No problem. See you."

"Bye." I hung up and put the phone back down on the coffee table. I was reading a book with Sergio sprawled across my lap. This was how I spent my days. In this spot or in bed, reading with Sergio or staring at the roof or a wall with Sergio. At least he was always keeping me company.

Rossi called me after an hour or so, "Hey." My voice was flatter and quieter than I tried to have it.

"How are you feeling? Did I wake you?"

"I was already up. I'm fine, thanks."

"Anderson will come pick you up in about a half hour."

"I'll be waiting." I lied.

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem off."

"I'm fine, Rossi. Is this all you called for?"

"Ah…we have a case…"

"Where?" I asked curiously.

"Nevada."

"Good luck. Call me if you need my limited skills that everyone else already has."

"Do you want me to stay here with you?" He asked.

"No, of course not. Go and catch that serial killer."

"This is the most you've spoken to me at once all week…"

"No it's not." I tried to sound casual.

"…Okay, well we'll try to solve it fast. We're leaving soon but call if you need anything and Anderson is on standby if you need to get anywhere."

"Or I could take a cab…considering that isn't what Anderson is paid for…"

"Just call him if you need to get somewhere, please?" He sounded tired. Was that because of me? Probably.

"Yeah, okay. Bye."

"Bye." He hung up and I put my phone down again. I looked around. I had several days alone in Rossi's house and I had no idea what I would do. Probably watch movies and stay in bed. Maybe I'd push my way into the precinct and get some paperwork that I wasn't allowed to have and complete it. I know Rossi had some in his office; maybe I'd do that for him.

* * *

I spent the next 3 days watching movies and playing with Sergio who was constantly by my side.

I was laying on the couch in as much darkness as the room would provide this evening. Sergio was on the other couch and I was staring at the roof for hours. I heard the door unlock and Rossi walked in with the team following behind him. "Hey." He smiled.

"Hi." I said quietly.

"I have something to call you out on." He said as he switched the light on and the team walked in. I groaned as the light stung my unexpecting eyes and I put a pillow over my face to block it out.

"You're in trouble." I heard the smirk in Garcia's voice.

"Why did you make Anderson lie for you and why didn't you go to your appointment?" He asked, pulling the pillow from my face.

"Why do you know everything?"

"I asked Anderson how you were afterwards and he panicked. I forced the truth out of him and you are a liar. You promised me you'd go."

"No, I promised you I'd make the appointment. I _never_ promised to _go_ to the appointment."

"Why do you have to be so difficult?"

"Why do you have to keep getting involved in things that don't concern you?"

"They _do_ concern me! You're living under _my_ roof."

"You wouldn't let me leave!" My alarm sounded then and I turned it off quickly.

"What's the alarm for?" JJ asked curiously.

"It's time for my run." I said as I threw the blanket off me and stood up.

"Your run?" Morgan smiled.

I nodded, "I'm gaining weight while I'm off the job."

"You are not gaining weight." Rossi shook his head. I wasn't gaining weight, I was losing it. I wasn't eating as much as I did before my kidnapping and I was running to try and lose more.

"I'm sorry, do you weigh me every day or do I weigh me every day?"

"Every day? Oh, that's just not healthy, Emily. You're going down a dangerous road." JJ said.

I rolled my eyes, "Bye." I picked my phone up from the table and walked to the door. I walked out before any further argument could be made.

I ran for a while before a wave of dizziness hit me all in one go. I had to stop and crouch to the ground. A headache hit me and I clenched my eyes shut to try and stop it all. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed my phone and called JJ.

"Em?" She picked up on the third ring. I heard laughter in the background.

"I think I'm going to pass out…" I said quietly, "I didn't know what to do."

"Where are you?" She asked anxiously. I heard her move and Garcia ask her what was going on.

"Uh…I don't really know. I'm in the middle of a bunch of trees? You don't need to come, I just called to let you know that I might be a little later than anyone would expect."

"In the middle of a bunch of trees? Oh, how helpful. We're coming now. Don't move, sit down and take deep breaths." She instructed. I hung up and sat cross legged on the leaves, breathing and massaging my temple.

Morgan found me before too long and jogged to my side. "Hey, you okay? Over here!" He yelled out over his shoulder.

I started to nod my head but I changed it to a truthful shake, "No."

He crouched and lifted my head slightly with his finger underneath my chin, "You're hollowed out, Em. You have huge bags, you look exhausted." The others were walking over now. "When was the last time you ate something nourishing?"

"A few hours ago." I lied.

He shook his head, "It's been days, hasn't it?"

"What's been days?" Garcia asked.

"Since she ate something nourishing to keep herself alive."

"Are…are you developing an eating disorder?" Reid asked with intense sadness in his voice.

"No." I shook my head and it brought the dizziness back. I dropped my head into my hands again, trying to stop it.

"Morgan, can you carry her back please?" Hotch asked.

"Yeah." Morgan sighed. He was disappointed in me; Reid and Hotch were disappointed in me. They were all disappointed in me. Rossi was speechless. He didn't know what to do or say or how he would even approach this situation at all.

Morgan went to lift me up but I pushed him away, "I can walk." I stood up and almost fell, the dizziness not fading at all.

"Yeah, no you can't." He scooped me up and carried me back to Rossi's against my will. I hadn't run far at all. I was disappointed in myself, now.

* * *

"How many days, exactly?" Morgan asked me. I looked at him in confusion, "Since you ate something nourishing." He expanded.

I sighed and decided that lies were not going to get me anywhere, "5 days, maybe. Nothing at all in 3…" I was sitting on the couch again, my feet up and a blanket wrapped tightly to my frame. I was shivering. I wondered if any of them had notice the few pounds I had dropped. I was 128 before I was kidnapped and now I was 124. It wasn't much but I could see it. I had gradually been eating less and less since the first day with JJ and my body wasn't used to the reduce nutrients.

"Emily, you do not need to lose any weight." JJ shook her head, "You're perfect."

"I really don't want to talk about this." I said quietly.

"You just really want to go to bed, don't you?" Rossi asked. I gave him a guilty smile and he sighed, "Go."

"Rossi…" Garcia said once I thanked him and stood up. I walked out of the room and stopped behind the wall to listen.

"What?" He asked her.

"You're not going to make her talk to us?"

"It's not something people normally want everyone to know, Penelope. Hotch and I will talk to her when she's more comfortable and feeling a bit better."

"Her head is messed up." JJ said. That hit me hard. "She needs help. Professional help and we need to take her to the appointments or she isn't going to go. We should consider mental institutions too."

"Jesus JJ, calm down. I don't think it's at that point yet." Morgan said.

"She has a history of mental illness." Hotch pointed out, "It will only get worse as she refuses treatment but I don't want to send her away. She'll feel like we don't care."

"If she needs to feel like we don't care to get better then maybe it's something we should consider. If she feels that the only way for us to find her is important is for her to get better than we could pretend not to care." JJ said. My stomach was churning.

"Or she could kill herself if we did that, considering she's already suicidal and hates herself enough, but sure JJ, be as cruel as you want." Reid said the last part sarcastically, "That's just heartless."

"Well what do you propose we do?" JJ asked, attitude in her voice.

"Not that! We show her our support and we make sure she goes to her appointments and we don't let her close herself off anymore."

Silence fell over them momentarily. "I'm scared…" Garcia broke it.

"Yeah me too, Pen." JJ agreed. I shook my head and wiped the tears on my cheeks. I walked upstairs silently and closed my door slowly so they wouldn't hear it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Prentiss**

After their arguments on what they should do about me, I had a shower and sat in the darkness of my room and in bed for a while. After rather late, Reid came in and said goodnight to me. I returned it to him and told him to tell the others that too. Once they left, Rossi came to make sure I was okay before he went to his office downstairs to do paperwork.

I couldn't believe what they had been saying in the living room earlier. JJ's words seemed harsh although they weren't intended that way. I couldn't believe Hotch would bring up my depression and anxiety as just a teenager but most of all, I couldn't believe how much I was affecting them. They were hurt and worried for me but they were also growing further apart from each other. It wasn't often JJ and Reid would speak to each other the way they had.

I waited for a very long time; fighting to keep my eyes open until I was sure he had gone to bed and was asleep. I slipped out of the bed and wrote a small note that read:

 _I heard you downstairs. I'm sorry for ruining everything. I love you all and please look after Sergio. I don't know where I'm going but it will be away from Virginia and you won't have to worry about me ever again; I promise._

 _All my love,_

 _Emily._

I put the note in the centre of the bed after I made it and I packed everything I could fit into one of my bags. Sergio was lying on the bed after running in when Rossi opened it earlier and he sat watching me as I tip toed around the room.

I kissed the top of his head and a few tears fell down my cheeks. "I love you so much, baby boy." I whispered to him. I petted him a few times and kissed him again before grabbing my bag and opening the door to the small balcony. I wouldn't use the front or back door; that would risk waking Rossi and it wouldn't turn out good at all. I looked at the ground from here and then to the side where a sturdy pipe strayed down the wall. I dropped my bag to the ground and then climbed down using the pipe. It was scary but it worked. I picked up my bag and walked around the house to the front and through the trees. I walked down the long driveway and it seemed like it took forever to get onto the road.

I stuck to the trees and walked for as long as I could before I was officially exhausted. I kept going until I found a hotel and I went inside, checked in under a fake name and payed cash. I requested that reception didn't tell anyone I was here and I made my way to the room.

I tried to sleep for a few hours and was about 2 hours in before I woke from my nightmares. They seemed to be worse and more livid when I was alone with no one else around to offer any kind of protection.

I couldn't fall back asleep so I drank until I passed out.

* * *

I woke in the late morning and realised the mistake I made. I jumped right up, ignoring the protest my body and mind were both screaming. I had a very fast shower and got changed before going downstairs quickly. I asked the receptionist if anyone had come looking for me and she said no one that she knew of. That was a relief. Rossi was probably still asleep; he did stay up rather late and he was exhausted. I checked out and hit the road again, walking on the tree line again.

I had no idea where I was going or how long I was walking. I didn't want to stay in Virginia; it was too easy for them to find me here. I got on a bus at the next bus stop I passed and caught it to Washington DC, this was around an hour. It was 1:15 pm by the time I got there. I went to the closet store and grabbed a bottle of water before taking the next route to Pittsburgh. This was about 7 hours and I got there by 8:22 pm. I went to the closest store there and got something very small to eat just to keep me going. I had switched my phone off since leaving the hotel this morning.

I checked into a new hotel for tonight and pulled the same brief story. I have reason to believe someone may be following me and can the hotel staff please claim to have not seen me. I checked in under a fake name and paid with cash.

I went to sleep early, waking several times and waking early in the morning completely worn out but I couldn't stop moving or they'd find me. I got up, showered and changed before going to reception and checking out. I went from Pittsburgh to Canton next, taking approximately 8 hours. I reached that destination at around 3 pm. I then went from there to Columbus, Ohio. This was around 7 hours and I got there by around 10 pm. I ate something very small and checked into another hotel using the same system as I did the past two nights.

I had a few drinks before lying down in bed and finally turning my phone on. A million messages and calls and Garcia no doubt had my number hooked to a tracking system.

It rang after a minute or so and I declined Hotch's call before turning it back off and putting it down. Hopefully it was on long enough for them to assume I was okay but not long enough for Garcia to track me.

I turned the TV on and watched the crap reruns for a while before turning it back off and lying down completely. I stared at a small photo of Sergio I had in my wallet for a while before bringing the one behind it forwards. It was a photo of the team and I at JJ and Will's wedding. Tears once again fell down my cheeks. I didn't know why I was doing this to myself. I guess it was because I deserved the pain I caused on myself from being away from my team; the only people who were able to offer me anything positive. I wanted to go back to them and apologise and get better and go to work and catch criminals and complain on the hot days where I had to sit at my desk for what seemed like forever. I wanted to spin around in my chair and laugh with Reid, Morgan and JJ. I wanted to be able to go into Garcia's office and unexpectedly surprise her with coffee, hot chocolate or any type of food that she loved or even a photo of Sergio. I wanted to walk to Rossi's office and tell him about something I thought was exciting but couldn't tell anyone else because they wouldn't understand. I wanted to make jokes and try to be the first one to make Hotch's hard composure fade so he would smile. We had a competition that restarted every day. I wanted to be back there, going out for dinner and drinks with the only people in the world I had left.

I wanted to forget about everything that has ever happened to me except for them and my job. I cried myself to sleep eventually, my cheeks burning and my eyes stinging from the hot tears.

* * *

I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed but I knew I had to do something. I pushed myself up and ordered room service. I tried to be normal and eat the pancakes but when I smelt them, I felt sick and when I looked at them, I felt sicker. When I ate them and forced myself to finish them, I threw them right back up and I don't think I'll ever be able to eat pancakes again.

I didn't know whether I was sick or my body was already rejecting the food. I had a glass of water and had a shower; standing under the very hot stream and watching the blood swirl down into the drain from my wrists. I got out after a long while and got dressed. The first shirt I got out was a short sleeve and I contemplated removing everything to find the long sleeves at the bottom but I realised that the team wasn't here. No one in the streets would care or even notice. I didn't need to hide my wrists. I went with the short sleeve and grabbed a jacket in case I got cold. I went downstairs and said a quick polite hello to the receptionist as I walked passed and went through the big glass doors.

I went to one of many museums in Columbus and walked through a few shops to entertain myself for a few hours. I came across a book store that was closing down and had a sale where all books were between $8 and 50c. I went in and must have bought 50 books. I had two bags full of books so I swung by the hotel, dropped all of them off and picked out two. I slipped the two into my bag and left the hotel again, walking around until I got tired, which was very quick with the little amount of energy I had. I powered through the shops but I was exhausted as I entered a small, beautiful park. There were flowers of all different kinds and colours and benches all around. Several dogs ran around with their owners and I sat under a tree on an old bench. I got one of the books out and started reading it.

I returned to the hotel as it fell dark. I went to walk passed reception but the young woman called me back, "Excuse me, ma'am."

I walked back and smiled, "Emily."

"Ah, so you are Emily. A woman called, I think she said her name was Penelope. She was looking for you and I didn't know what to tell her so I just said I hadn't seen anyone she was describing."

"Thank you so much." I smiled.

"Is she who you're hiding from? Is it serious? Shall I ask security to keep an eye out or call the police?"

"Oh, no, not at all. She's not dangerous or anything. Basically, I left town unexpectedly and I'm trying to stay away from her as well as my other close friends in the hopes that they can continue without me."

"I'm sorry you've had to go through so much trouble." She seemed genuinely interested.

I smiled, "It's been hard but I'll survive."

She nodded, "Well, have a good night."

"You too." I walked away and back to my room.


	11. Chapter 11

**You're getting two updates tonight because I'm having a really bad day and on top of everything that's already happened, I can't sleep and I'm not motivated enough to write something new. This chapter gets a bit darker.**

 **Enjoy :)**

 **-A xx**

 **Prentiss**

A week had passed and I was having the worst day in my existence; or more the worst week. I realised just yesterday that the only way I was going to survive another week was to be with my team. They were the only people in the world who had the slightest idea as how to cheer me up. I tried to fight my way out of bed yesterday but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't all week. I turned my phone back on in the hopes that they were track me and come find me but they hadn't come all week. Maybe Hotch decided that he wouldn't allow them to because I made it very clear that I didn't want to be with them.

I fought myself and eventually was able to drag myself up. I felt exhausted despite being in bed for 4 days. I had a shower and got changed. My clothes didn't fit perfectly anymore; I had lost more weight.

I took a cab to the airport and took the next flight back to Virginia. It was around a 3 hour flight and I got another cab back to Quantico.

I walked into the precinct and flashed my card that I wasn't supposed to be using. I went to the elevators and waited impatiently for it to reach the 6th floor. Once the ding sounded and the doors opened, I stepped out and took a deep breath. It was around 3 in the afternoon and I wasn't sure if they were even here or not. I walked through the glass doors and saw them in the round table room but they didn't seem to be looking at files or the screen. Their mouths weren't even moving, so they weren't talking.

I walked up the stairs of the catwalk and around to the room where they sat. I stood in the door and knocked quietly. They all lifted their heads quickly.

"Emily." JJ breathed as she stood up and ran to me. She threw her arms around me and I returned the gesture. My sleeves were short and I forgot to wear my jacket in here so my freshly cut and scarred wrist was visible to them all. Garcia hugged me next, then Reid, Rossi, Morgan and then Hotch. Tears were streaming from my eyes and I wiped them away repeatedly.

"I am so sorry." I said quietly, struggling to say the words. They all sat down and motioned for me to sit too.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Rossi asked.

"I wanted to be on my own. I didn't want you all to need to worry about me or feel like I needed constant supervision and I didn't want to ruin your lives or your friendships. JJ and Reid never talk to each other like that…"

"They do now…" Morgan said quietly.

I looked down at my hands on the table and avoided the six sets of eyes on me.

"Prentiss, you're not ruining anything but yourself." Hotch broke the silence.

I closed my eyes and dropped my head into my arms. I tried to keep the tears back but it was impossible to stop them from falling.

"When was the last time you slept? You look exhausted." Reid said.

"I slept all week." I said quietly.

"How on Earth did you stay off the grid? The only thing I found was your card at one store the day after you left and your phone the first time when you turned it on, not long enough for me to trace, by the way, and the second time when you left it on." Garcia said.

"I paid by cash everywhere and didn't buy much. You called the right hotel in Columbus, by the way; Courtyard Columbus. I told the receptionist to tell you I wasn't there…"

"How kind of you." She said sarcastically.

"…How much weight have you lost?" JJ asked quietly and hesitantly.

I looked up at her and lied, "I haven't."

"You have. I can see very clearly and your clothes don't fit properly." She pulled lightly on the sleeve of my shirt that was very loose. Not how it was meant to be. "And it's not even just because I'm a profiler. It is just that evident."

"You are not making me feel any better." I dropped my head back down. Silence filled the room again momentarily. They all had a million questions but didn't want to ask them.

"Are you coming back to stay with me?" Rossi asked quietly. I shook my head. "Why not?"

I lifted my head and looked at him, "…Because."

He rolled his eyes, "You don't want to intrude on my life and you don't want me to be worried and be watching over you all the time and you don't—"

"I didn't say any of that."

"But you're thinking it. You're coming back to live with me. Sergio hasn't left that bed."

"Aw, really?"

"He runs to the door whenever it opens but he's always disappointed when it isn't you so he goes back to the bed. He gets up every morning to eat and then goes right back to the bed."

I smiled, "He's so cute."

"Oh my god…you are actually more interested in your cat than us." Garcia said.

"No, I just know that he doesn't judge me for my behaviour or actions."

"Neither do we." Morgan said, "The majority of the time…I am judging your decision to sneak out in the middle of the night and leave nothing but a cat and a note. That was extremely stupid. Don't do it again."

My phone vibrated in my hand and I opened the text from Reid, _"Why did you come back? I love that you are, but tell me what happened."_

I glanced at him and locked my phone again, putting it back down.

"Who was that?" JJ asked.

"No one that concerns you."

She sat back and crossed her arms, "Fine."

I looked back up at Reid and he stood up. He walked to the door and motioned for me to follow him before he walked out. I hesitated before standing and trailing behind him. He stopped at the desks and turned to look at me, "What happened?"

"That made me leave or made me come back?"

"Both. Everything."

"I heard you all talking at Rossi's after you found me in the forest when I almost collapsed and I hated the stress and concern I was putting on all of you so I decided to leave. I went to Washington, Pittsburgh, Canton and then to Columbus where I gave up on trying to find somewhere to go so I just stayed. Then the rest of the week passed…and then another week passed and I was surprised you hadn't found me but the second week. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get up or eat or drink a thing, not that I really wanted to. Then yesterday I realised that if I wanted to literally survive another week, to which I kind of didn't but I did for you and them…" I motioned to the round table room where they sat and watched us, "Than I needed to be at least _near_ you guys…so I came back. I'm not sure if I regret it or not yet, but I don't want to stay with Rossi again."

"Why not?"

I shook my head, "I just feel like he isn't doing anything he normally does because of me. He doesn't go out or bring anyone home…"

"Emily, it's Rossi. If Rossi wanted to go out or bring someone home, he would. You would not stop him from that."

"Reid?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared." I whispered. He pulled me into him and put his arms around me. I felt myself shaking and tears fell again. I buried my face into his shoulder to hide it from the rest of the team.

"Scared of what you're doing to yourself?" He asked in a whisper.

I nodded and pulled away to wipe the tears from my eyes.

"We'll get you the help you need, Em. We're always going to be here for you and we're not letting you go again. Stay with Rossi; bring Garcia or JJ with you if you're that scared of yourself so you can have constant company. Just don't do anything without thinking it through and call me immediately when you feel suicidal again. Please, it's all I ask. Promise me?"

I nodded, "Okay, I promise."

He smiled, "We're all really proud of you, you know. You came back to us and you spoke straight away and you're alive. You're going to seek help and we couldn't be prouder."

I nodded with a small smile, "Thank you." I wiped the tears from my cheeks and looked back at the room they were still seated in. "They're getting very curious and impatient."

"If you don't feel comfortable answering a question, then don't. Okay?"

"Okay." I nodded and we walked back to the room.

* * *

There were so many tears today as I answered all the questions the team asked. It wasn't all me; Garcia and JJ did too, just not as much as me. I had never felt that weak in front of my team. Even when I was taken hostage and put on a screen for them to see, I still didn't feel this fragile. Not when they had to come and find me in the forest by Rossi's home, not when I was hunting Doyle or when I was dying because of him.

I was back at Rossi's, sitting on the couch with the team around me. JJ was at my side and I was leaning into her, feeling completely exhausted after today.

"Are you sure you've been sleeping?" Hotch asked.

"I slept, just not much. I get nightmares more often when I'm alone." I sat up from JJ and put my arms around myself. It was freezing.

"You know it's like 70 degrees in here…you're shivering." Morgan said.

"It is not 70 degrees…is it?"

He nodded and glanced at Rossi. Rossi stood up and walked out, reappearing within a minute or two and gave me a thick blanket. Sergio had been lying at my side and moved onto my lap when I slung the blanket over me. I petted him gently and he went back to sleep, purring loudly.

Silence had fallen over us and Hotch's ringing phone interrupted it, "Excuse me." He stood and walked away, holding it to his ear just before exiting the room.

"Can I ask you something?" Reid asked me, "You don't have to answer it if you don't want to." I looked at him and waited for him to ask the question, "Before you left, Hotch said that you had a history of mental illness…is that true?"

I raised my eyebrows, "Why would Hotch lie to you about that?"

"Right…" He looked down, "When? Was it serious?"

"I was just a teenager. It doesn't mean anything anymore, but I had depression and I guess it was serious back then, considering I tried to kill myself twice."

"You know…you could be relapsing. Just after an extended period of time. Your kidnapping could have been the trigger."

"You're not a medical doctor or psychologist or shrink, Reid." I rolled my eyes. It irritated me that he thought this was a relapse, though I wasn't sure why it did.

"No, but I know what I'm seeing."

"Stop." I said sternly.

"I'm just saying, maybe it would be worth—"

"No." I cut him off, pushed Sergio off and stood up. I walked out as Hotch walked back in and he followed me quickly.

"Prentiss." He said. I sighed and stopped. I turned and looked at him, tears in my eyes. I had no idea why I was so upset over something so harmless. Reid was just trying to help. "You're doing it again."

"Doing what?" I asked.

"Refusing help. I heard Reid talking to you and he was just trying to help."

I looked down, "I know."

"I scheduled you an appointment for tomorrow at 8. Just come in with Rossi and you can stay in my office until then."

"I thought we agreed that I wasn't seeing the Bureau's therapist because they'll just tell you absolutely everything."

"That was before you left and I respected your choice to keep me in the dark. Not anymore."

"That's not fair—"

"I don't care what is fair and what isn't, Prentiss. What I care about is you getting better and not keeping anything from us or least not Rossi and I. We don't mind if we are the problem; we still want to know." He said, "And you cannot lie to me anymore." He added.

"This is not how you get me to trust you again, Hotch."

"You never trusted me." He said matter-of-factly. "You may have trusted me to do my job and respected my decisions in it but you never trusted me with personal things before all of this. Not even before Doyle."

"Yes I did." I said truthfully, "I trusted you the same as I trusted the other five; maybe more than them. I just don't trust right now, Hotch."

"You trust Reid." He corrected.

"No I don't."

"He told me everything."

"Okay, so I don't trust him _anymore_."

"Prentiss, let us help you. Please."

I looked to my right to avoid his eyes and saw a photo of the team on the wall. I never really expected Rossi to be one to hold the team so close to him until I moved in. Now I knew just how important they all were to him. _We. We all were to him. You are still their friend, you are still a part of the team and they still love you._ I had to continue to remind myself of that, although it wasn't working very well. I still felt like I didn't really matter to them as much as I used to anymore. That upset me just thinking about it.

I looked back at him, "What time did you say it was?"

"8."

I nodded, "I'll be there."

He smiled, genuinely smiled. It was more grateful than anything else, "Thank you."

"Please get them to talk about something else."

"I'll try." He nodded and motioned for me to go back to the living room. I sat down beside Morgan now, the closest spot to me when I walked in. Hotch returned to his place beside Rossi and they went silent again.

"Out of everyone in this room, who do you want to hit the most in this current moment?" Morgan asked with a small, amused smirk.

"Hotch…" I said quietly as I sat back and looked at my boss. A ghost of a smile hinted at his face and it brought one from me.

"So…when can she come back to us?" Garcia asked Hotch.

"When her therapist decides she is fit to."

"What does she need to do to get the okay?"

He moved his eyes from Garcia to me, "She needs to be evidently completely comfortable with all of us again, be able to control her emotions, feel safe around strangers, not want to kill herself, be eating regularly and gain her weight back—"

"Ah, that is where I draw the line." I cut him off before he could continue.

"You're physically unhealthy both with your weight and eating habits." He said.

"I am not." I defended.

"When was the last time you ate?" JJ asked.

"…Yesterday."

"Now the truth?"

I sighed, "Two days. Fine, but that doesn't mean I have an eating disorder and I do not need to gain weight."

"You are underweight, Emily." Rossi said.

"You don't even know what I weigh."

"How much have you lost in the last week?" Reid asked.

"I haven't."

"What did I say about lying?" Hotch asked.

"God, I hate profilers." I mumbled.

"You _are_ a profiler." Morgan said.

"She hates herself, stupid." Garcia hit him over the head. It wasn't gentle but it wasn't enough to hurt him.

I looked at Rossi, "What do I need to do for you to let me go back home?"

"Get a new apartment and be back working first." He said, tilting his head slightly.

"Why can't you just let me live by myself? I've been doing it since I was 18…"

"Because you need to be working—"

"Rossi." I cut him off, "Do you really think that I will ever be allowed to come back?"

"Your job is still vacant and it will stay vacant until you return to it." Hotch said.

I shook my head, "There is something you don't know that Strauss does and she is not going to let me back."

"What is it?" He asked curiously and slightly hurt that Strauss knew before him.

I didn't want to answer that so I just looked down. "You tried to kill yourself." Reid concluded quietly. I closed my eyes so the tears couldn't fall and took a few silent breaths before looking up.

"I obviously was not successful in my attempt."

"You promised that you would tell me." Reid said in a disappointed, offended and sad voice.

"Reid, I didn't want you to try and stop me." I shook my head and looked down. The whole room was completely silent. I looked around at their faces. JJ's mouth was slightly open in shock, a few tears down her cheeks, Reid had tears in his eyes and he was visibly trying to hold them in desperately, Rossi's mouth was open in shock too but he was looking at the table instead of me, Hotch was staring at me with horror in his eyes, devastated with the new information I have given him. Derek was staring at the ground, his eyes glistening slightly with tears he would never let fall. Garcia was completely shattered, tears streaming. When my eyes met hers, she stood and walked out quickly, sobbing before she even made it out of the room. "I'm sorry." I said quietly.


	12. Chapter 12

**Prentiss**

I had been seated with Hotch in his office for an hour. They hadn't been called to a case this morning so they were all stuck doing the boring part of our job—all the office work that never really got done thoroughly because we'd normally just talk all day at our desks. Today, they were exactly like last night after hearing of my attempt. They made me tell them the painful details that left me in tears as well as Garcia, JJ and Reid, even Rossi had a few. After, they were completely silent, upset and shocked. They went home without another word and no one greeted me today. They were all still the same except for Hotch.

Anyway, he had been talking to me for an hour about it all and about my time away. He expressed just how concerned he was for my mentality and safety and how much if was affecting both him and the team. I lost count of how many times I apologised for all different things. He had heavily encouraged me to see a doctor to be tested for any mental illness in case I needed medication. I probably wouldn't be allowed to work on the medication, so I doubted I'd do that.

I went to the therapist appointment and she was very kind, although every so often I felt like she was judging me. I didn't talk much, just listened. We didn't really get into anything, she just read to me the report that Hotch gave her of his area of concerns. She said that after a few appointments of getting to know each other and for me to get comfortable, she'd focus on those things first.

She did go slightly into the suicidal attempt I had made. That's when I realised how stupid she was. She gave me a piece of paper with '911' written on it. Because you know, I didn't already know it or wouldn't remember the three numbers. I acted casual when she gave it to me but I was judging her stupidity inside.

Once half an hour passed and she allowed me to leave, I went back to the sixth floor and JJ called me to the round table room. I walked in and sat down. We were just talking; there was no case.

"She is the most idiotic person I have ever met in my life." I looked at Hotch, "Please do not make me go back to her. Her stupidity physically pains me."

He raised his eyebrows, silently requesting an explanation.

"Okay, so she does not understand a single thing. Everything she said to me about what you wrote in your stupid report, she got nothing. She legitimately doesn't understand what any of it is like. And do I look like I have the intelligence of a 2 year old?"

"No…" JJ said.

I held the piece of paper up, "She wrote down 911 for me and said "call this number if you want to kill yourself again". No fucking shit, really?" I said sarcastically as I scrunched it and threw it in the trash can in the corner. "She's nice though."

Reid had a smirk, "Did she think you have memory loss? Maybe that's why she wrote the number down."

I shook my head, "I was going insane just sitting there listening to her talk about nothing."

"Who did you see? We saw two Bureau therapists but they weren't stupid. How many are there?" Garcia asked.

"I think we have four." Hotch said. "Two female and two male. We all saw Doctor Daniels and you two saw Doctor Mainly." He said.

"And I had the privilege of meeting Doctor Lander." I rolled my eyes.

Strauss walked in then and the room fell silent as she stared at me before giving Hotch a very disapproving look, "Aaron, I told you that she isn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to go to the appointment and then go home."

"Well she was either here with us or home alone with the temptation to end her own life."

"Excuse me?" I raised my eyebrows at him. He didn't acknowledge me; his eyes stayed on Strauss.

"Well, she isn't to work on anything. Aaron, may I speak with you?"

He stood and followed her out, down the catwalk by a few metres. They stood not far from us as she talked and he nodded. He looked back at me before returning his eyes to her and saying something. He walked back in after a minute or so and sat back down, shaking his head.

"What did she say this time?" I asked. He looked up and gave me an obvious fake confused look. I rolled my eyes, "You looked at me. What did she say?"

"Uh, she said that she isn't sure if _she_ wants you to return to work at all and suggested I start looking for a replacement."

I looked at Rossi, "I told you; she isn't going to let me back."

"Just for conversations sake, we want you to come back and we're going to fight for it, but what would you do if you couldn't come back?" Morgan asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know. I can't go back to London; the Middle East isn't really a place I want to return to. Maybe Australia."

"You mean if she doesn't let you back then you are moving a far distance away from us?" Garcia asked.

I nodded, "Probably."

"What happened in London?" Reid asked, "We can't access the file report."

"What do you mean?"

"When you were held hostage, he said you killed 5 people in London and you just said you can't go back. What happened?"

I looked down, "Um…nothing really."

"He said they were innocent." JJ said.

"I guess you all remember it much better than I do…yes, they were innocent."

"Was it an accident?" Garcia asked.

I cleared my throat and shook my head, "No, it was not."

"You _deliberately_ killed 5 innocent people? Did you at least think they were guilty when it happened?" Reid asked.

"I don't want to discuss it right now and please don't go reading into it."

"But we should know." He said.

"Are you talking about the two women, the man and two kids she shot?" An English voice asked from the door. I looked up and saw Clyde standing at it, a small smile on his face.

"Hey." I smiled and stood up, walking over quickly and hugging him.

"Sexy accent…" Garcia said quietly, not intending on him hearing her.

"Why thank you." He smirked.

"Ah shivers…" She said quietly. She looked at him, "Sorry…"

"She's single." I said to him as I looked back at her.

"So are you." Garcia smirked and turned back around.

"Ah…let's not get into this game again. You got me a very bad guy last time."

"He was hot." Garcia shrugged her shoulders.

"He was…nice." JJ smirked.

"He was the smallest I have ever seen…" I said as I sat back down and motioned for Clyde to join us.

"I'd assume those guys who kidnapped you have nothing, now." Clyde said.

My head shot up and I stared at him, "What?" He looked back at me with a sympathetic smile, "How do you know?"

"It's in the files Interpol shares with you guys. I looked you up on my way here. You weren't at Tsia's funeral…"

"Well, she could have gotten me killed."

"That was Jeremy, not Tsia."

"There were engaged; they were both involved."

"You have no proof that Tsia—"

"I also have no proof to lead me to believe that you were not involved either. Considering you almost got me killed in London as well, you are not on the short list of people who I trust right now."

"London was an accident."

"I'm almost certain you knew that the place was full of informants and then within 10 minutes, high ranked murderers."

"And yet you hugged me at the door."

"Old habits die hard."

"I see your nails are chewed down again. And those are impressive wounds on your wrist." I yanked my sleeve down from where it had ridden up and I glared.

"What do you want?"

"In front of your team?"

"I'm not a part of their team right now; I have to take time off."

"Alright. We have a vacant position at Interpol. I know you were running the team last time but you made a lethal mistake that led to 5 innocent deaths. This position is on the team, not running it. We're offering it to you before anyone else."

"If I decided that I wanted this job, when would I start?"

"Whenever suits you. The day you get to London, a month from now or anywhere in between. Considering you're taking time off, which I'm assuming has been forced upon you; I think you should seriously consider this."

"And why are you offering it to me?"

"You're a strong asset; you're great at your job…the majority of the time. You rarely make mistakes and you are better than half the agents I know. We'd be extremely lucky to have you."

"Are you trying to charm me into taking this job?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "I _would_ like you back in London. You'd be safer there."

"I'm sorry, are you implying that we are not capable of keeping her safe?" Morgan asked in a very offended voice.

"Morgan." I hushed.

He looked at me, "Are you seriously buying his crap?"

"Do you not think she is a great agent?" Clyde asked, testing his boundaries, of course.

I hesitated and looked at Hotch. He got the message, "Morgan, Prentiss has trusted you enough to have this conversation in front of you. Do not ruin that."

He shook his head and let out an aggravated sigh.

"Like children." Clyde said quietly.

"Hey, watch it." I said ominously.

"Still protective of them even after not being their team anymore?"

"She is still a part of our team." JJ said quietly. They all looked offended over his safety comment.

"Just to clarify, I am as safe here with this team as I would be in London." I said to Clyde.

He raised his eyebrows, "You were taken once, what's to say it won't happen again?"

"Are you trying to make her too scared to stay here?" Rossi asked.

"Shit tactics." JJ said.

"I take it none of you want her to leave at all." Clyde said, looking around the table and ignoring JJ's comment for the most part.

"Why would we? You already stated how good of an agent she is and she's our best friend." Reid said.

"Best friends with a hot mess. That must take a lot of patience and control."

I glared at him in silence for a second, "Excuse me?"

"Oh come on, look at you. Your eyes have a red tinge because you're exhausted; you're slightly paler than normal which I didn't know was possible for you, by the way. You've lost weight and your face is hollowing out. I'll give it to you; you're still a pretty little thing."

"Never call me that again." I said slowly.

"A hot mess or a pretty little thing?"

"I was referring to the second, but don't call me a hot mess either."

"Because your kidnapper called you a pretty little thing?"

I sat up straighter and stared at him questioningly. I caught on quickly. I removed my gun from my boot where it wasn't supposed to be and cocked it, levelling it at his crotch.

"And she caught on." He smirked.

"This was not your smartest of ideas…"

"Oh please darling, I wouldn't have come if there was even a slight chance that I wouldn't get out if you arrested me. I'd just claim that you aimed your gun at me and I had to defend myself. It wouldn't be hard to believe, considering you're pretty messed up right now and you're not even supposed to have a gun at all."

"I'm confused. Why is there a gun under the table?" Garcia asked quietly, fear in her voice.

"He hired my kidnappers." I said, keeping my eyes glued to him. "I don't want to create a scene here, so I will give you five seconds to get up and walk right out of this precinct, leaving everyone unharmed. Get on the next flight back to London and do not come back."

"Just a little secret, Doyle did get some information off me, but not near as much as he did from Jeremy and Tsia. Sean was your only friend there. Too bad I found him and told Doyle his location or he might still be alive."

"Get up and walk out." I said more forcefully.

"Think about those people you killed. That couple and their daughter, that single mother and her son. You were messed up in the head when you killed them and you're messed up in the head now. You are one big mess." The team was on high alert although I don't think they had their guns on them. Garcia was terrified and JJ was trying to calm her down silently.

"Morgan, please close the blinds?" I asked him quietly. He stood from his chair and turned around. Clyde removed a gun quickly and went to aim at Morgan. I jumped forwards and lifted it, the bullet going to the roof instead of Morgan's back. We both fell to the ground and his gun dropped near his hand. He lifted it back up and stood at the same time as me, aiming it at my chest. "Pull the trigger." I said.

"The real reason I am here is not to offer you the job, but to kill you so I can have it. I was removed from the team after I was a suspect in a case and this was my way back in. Desperate times call for desperate measures, sorry." My gun was near my chair and I saw JJ move slowly out the corner of my eye.

"I don't care why you're here, just pull the damn trigger."

"You really are suicidal."

The shot of the gun was deafening.


	13. Chapter 13

**Prentiss**

 _The shot of the gun was deafening._

My eyes were ringing but I was still standing. I heard Garcia sobbing. Reid was sitting with her, trying to calm her down. Hotch and Rossi were standing, staring at the lifeless body lying in front of me. I glanced to JJ where she stood, still holding the gun steady, "Oh my god…" She breathed.

My throat closed up as I tried to keep the rising sobs back. A tear rolled down my cheek as I kneeled beside Clyde. I closed his eyes over slowly and allowed a few sobs to escape me. I felt warm hands touch my shoulders gently and Morgan pulled me up and into his arms. I buried my face into his chest in a lousy attempt to silence my sobs. I heard the gun uncock and JJ placed it on the table. I heard multiple people run in and heard medics speaking but I didn't register what they were actually saying.

Morgan hushed me quietly and held me tightly to him. It was more comforting than I had thought would be possible right now. I felt smaller in his arms than the last time we hugged. Had I really lost _that_ much? "He wasn't worth your life, princess." He whispered to me, "You won this."

"I didn't want to win this." I choked out.

"Emily, you play a very important, crucial role in our lives. We need you here with us so I need you to fight."

I didn't reply this time, just cried harder.

"Take her to my office and stay with her." Hotch said gently as he touched my back comfortingly. I felt Morgan nod and he stepped back, pulling me with him and making me walk by his side.

I looked behind me but he pulled me back gently, "Prentiss, don't do that to yourself. Come on."

We walked into Hotch's office and he guided me to one of the chairs across Hotch's desk before closing the blinds. I sat down and pulled my knees to my chest. He walked over and crouched in front of me. "Emily, you saved my life. Whether you knocked the gun from his hand or jumped in front of the bullet, JJ was going to shoot him. Whether he pulled the gun or not, someone was always going to shoot him. He tried to kill you numerous times and we will never accept anything like that without consequence."

"Why does everything happen to me?" I sobbed again.

"Hey, shh." He pulled me back into his arms. I felt something here. It was different to when Reid or Rossi hugged me. He was different. There was something inside of me telling me never to let go of him, I just didn't know why or how long I was supposed to hold on. I calmed down quicker this time as he spoke to me softly.

* * *

I had been sitting at Rossi's with my team for two hours now. I refused to eat or drink anything and I had been completely silent the whole time.

"I'm so sorry, Emily." JJ said in a sad, ashamed voice. I shook my head but I didn't speak. I wondered whether she took that as me saying it was okay, to which I was, or me saying I didn't want to hear it.

"JJ, it was all you could do." Rossi said quietly, "If you didn't pull the trigger, she'd be dead."

Will, Jack and Henry were here tonight under Rossi's request that they all be completely normal and not show me any unwanted sympathy. He knew how much I hated it.

JJ tried to stop Henry but he brushed her off and walked over to the couch I was on, sitting beside Morgan. He climbed up beside me and I still sat motionless.

"Emily?" He whispered in his quiet voice. I turned my head and softened my face when I looked at him. "I love you." He finished just as quietly. I opened my arms and he crawled to my lap, putting his arms around my neck. I closed my arms around him to return the hug. After a short while, I let him down and he went back to JJ, sitting in her lap.

"You are an angel sent from heaven." She said quietly to him, kissing his cheek. She looked at me and smiled.

"Garcia, did you happen to bring your laptop?" Reid asked quietly.

"I did. I came straight from work. Why?"

"I need you to look at something for me, come to the dining room."

"Uh…okay, but I don't like keeping secrets…"

"Just for now until I have the answer I want."

She nodded and got her laptop from its bag before following him. Hotch stood and followed them.

Silence filled the room again and I couldn't make out the quiet words in the next room. "Anyone need another drink?" Rossi asked as he stood up. JJ smiled and gave him her glass, "Em, what about now?"

I looked at him, "Vodka. Please."

"Oh, she spoke." He smiled and continued to the kitchen.

"He's only going now so he can know what they're talking about." Morgan said.

"Well he's getting me another drink so I don't mind." JJ said. Will snickered and shook his head before kissing her cheek. "Is anyone else curious, though?"

"Yeah." Will said quietly.

"Yep." Morgan agreed. I gave her a nod in response.

Rossi came back with our drinks and Hotch, Garcia and Reid came back within another 5 minutes.

"It wasn't your fault at all." Reid said quietly.

I looked up and have him a questioning look, "What?"

Garcia gasped, "She spoke."

"Yeah, she said _two_ words before." JJ smiled.

I looked back at Reid and waited form him to speak, "The 5 murders, they weren't your fault. Clyde hired them to get in the way. It was like they were on a suicide mission. The money went to their families back in the Middle East and Clyde threatened to deport them if they didn't do it. It wasn't your fault at all; Clyde was just trying to destroy you."

"I told you not to read into it, Spencer." I said, my voice aggravated and cold.

"I wanted to know. I get the answers I want, Emily. You know that. Clyde was just trying to make you feel guilty and leave Interpol."

"Well it worked." I said quietly and looked back down, crossing my arms again and returning to my silence.

* * *

I woke up in the morning with Sergio at my feet. I snuggled under the blankets more, feeling extremely cold. I got my phone from the nightstand and found JJ's contact; they all stayed here last night. _"You up?"_

She replied in less than a minute, _"Lying in bed but I'm awake, why?"_

" _Hug?"_

She was only a few doors away from me and she came in quickly, a small smile on her face as she left the door ajar and jumped on the bed. I had the blankets pulled back and I threw them over her once she was lying beside me. I snuggled close to her and closed my eyes. She had her arms around me and closed her eyes too. I fell asleep quickly and soundly for another hour before I woke again.

"Jayje." I whispered. She moved slightly, waking up. She yawned and sat up. I sat too.

"What time is it?" She asked.

"9." I said as I stretched my arms and kept the blanket around me. "My god, it's freezing."

"No it's not, you just feel cold because of the weight you've lost and your body hasn't adjusted."

"JJ?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared." I whispered. "What if I can't get better? What if Strauss doesn't let me come back?"

"You can get better and you will get better. We'll refuse to work without you. I think it would be much easier on her to welcome you back and have Hotch keep a close eye on you than find a whole new team."

I smiled, "What did I do to deserve this team?"

"I don't know but it must have been something magnificent." She smirked. We both laughed before we got up. She went to her room to have a shower and I had one in my bathroom. All the rooms an ensuite bathrooms and walk in robes; it was insane.

I put on a pair of tights underneath my sweat pants and two jumpers over my shirt before walking downstairs. Rossi met me with a cup of coffee and I thanked him as I sipped it and sat down beside Morgan. Garcia was on his other side.

"How'd you sleep?" Hotch asked me.

"Better when JJ was with me." I said quietly.

She smiled, "I'm magical, I know. I slept better then too."

"So that's where you disappeared to for an hour." Will said.

JJ nodded, "She needed my love more than you." I smirked at him and nodded.

"Game on." He joked.

"Are you planning on doing anything today?" Rossi asked me.

"…Like what? You guys are the only people I know and you would all know if I had plans with you…"

"Maybe you should go meet new people?" He suggested.

My phone rang then and I held my finger up to him, "Prentiss."

"Emily Prentiss, this is Valerie Farmer from London Interpol. We had reason to believe that Clyde Easter had gone to see you. He hasn't returned to London or answered any of our calls and I was wondering if you knew where he was?"

"Clyde Easter is dead." I said quietly.

"…What? What happened? Was he killed? Did you kill him? I know he had something dangerous to do."

"I didn't kill him, no, but I was present at the time and she had good reason to."

"What was the reason? Is there a report?"

"He came here trying to kill me and pulled a gun on another agent. Yes, I'm assuming there is a report on it; there always is."

"How can I access it?"

"I'm sorry, who are you, exactly?"

"His boss and girlfriend."

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"How do I access the file?" She was slightly choked up.

"Uh, I can't give it to you; I don't have access myself right now. You'll have to contact the BAU in Quantico, Virginia. I can't guarantee you'll achieve full access but I think you might have a good chance."

She sniffed, "Thank you for telling me before I found out professionally. I'm sorry he tried to kill you; I don't know why he would do that."

"It's no problem. Again, I'm so sorry." I hung up and dropped my phone to my lap before cupping my hands over my mouth and closing my eyes to keep it together.

"I'm so sorry, Emily. If I could go back, I'd shoot his shoulder or somewhere non-lethal." JJ said.

I shook my head, "You did what you should have done." I didn't want to think about it. He had been my friend and team member in the past and I wasn't ready to let those good memories go. If I ever thought of him, I would think of him in my old team along with Tsia, Sean and Jeremy. That's how I wanted to remember them; friends and not foes. Back before three out of four aided in two near-death experiences. Although I did technically die at the hands of Doyle, I'd just classify it as 'near-death'.

"No Rossi, I don't have plans for today. Would you like me to have plans?"

"No, I was just curious." He smiled sympathetically.

"Don't do that." I shook my head.

"Sorry." He said quietly, knowing damn well what I was referring to.

I sighed and stood up, "I'm going back to bed."


	14. Chapter 14

**Prentiss**

A few weeks had passed and I was seeing the other therapist now after Hotch made new arrangements. I did like her a lot better and she wasn't a complete moron. I was lying, though. I always played it as if I was getting better quickly. I might have been, but I also might have been getting worse. I didn't feel anything anymore; just numb.

I begged her to talk to Hotch and Strauss and after a very long session with her and them, I was allowed to be back on the team but not in the field or on cases. I showed "magnificent improvement" and I was now allowed to do paperwork and be with my team. Part of the reason I was able to do this was because Hotch had expressed the concern he still had for me to the therapist and he claimed that the only way for me to heal completely was to be around them as much as possible.

I walked into the precinct today, greeted the guards that knew me at the entrance and swiped my card to enter the building. I took the elevator to the sixth floor and walked through the glass doors, plastering a fake, small smile on my lips.

"Oh, hello." Morgan smiled, "You are loving it already."

I nodded, "I am." I put my bag down and sat at my desk. Reid and JJ greeted me then, being seated in the same area. Rossi and Hotch walked out of Hotch's office and down the few steps to our desks and Garcia came from her office.

"Oh! My darling! How I've missed your face around here!" She said excitedly before hugging me and planting a kiss on my cheek.

"Thanks Pen." I smiled. I looked at Hotch, "What would I do without an Aaron Hotchner to save my arse?"

He smirked as I stood up and hugged him. I looked at Rossi next, "You see me every day so you don't get a hug." I joked before hugging him. He kissed both my cheeks and welcomed me back.

Anderson walked over then, "Agent Prentiss, wonderful to see you again."

"You are a terrible cover." I said to him.

He looked down, "Sorry about that."

I smiled, "Yeah, don't worry about it."

He smiled, nodded, welcomed me back and walked away. I turned back to my team and rolled my eyes with an irritated face.

Morgan laughed, "Not an Anderson fan?"

"He used to be fine, but then he drove me around and drove me insane at the same time."

"That's probably because of the increased irritability that your depression has caused you." Reid said casually.

I looked up and took a breath to calm myself before looking at him, "I'm not going to be here very long if you keep doing that."

"Sorry…" He said quietly before turning back to his desk and picked up his pen.

"Not so fast…we have a case." Garcia said, "And I am so sorry this had to happen today." She said to me.

"I'd rather you save others than save me…" I smiled.

"Agent Prentiss." I heard Strauss say from behind me. I looked over my shoulder as she approached, "It's great to see you here again."

I smiled, "Thanks. It's good to be back."

She nodded, "Aaron, I know you have a rather serious case. I need to speak with you before you go."

"My office?" He suggested politely. She nodded and they walked up the steps and to his office.

"Don't you have to check with Hotch before we decide we're taking it? Or is it that serious?" Reid asked her curiously.

"It is _that_ serious." She nodded. "Like, you need to leave very soon serious. He doesn't have time to speak to Strauss, to be honest. He is cutting it very close."

I looked at the files in her arms and she held them up to her chest, the brown file cover to me, "No missy; you're not allowed."

I groaned and rolled my eyes, "Wait, no. I am compromising and being respectful of Strauss and Hotch's wishes." I turned around in my desk chair, "See? You're not even tempted, what are you talking about" I asked myself quietly.

"Uh…Em? Are you talking to yourself?" JJ asked hesitantly.

"I'm alone a lot." I admitted as I nodded.

She went to speak before Hotch called them to the round table room. They all stood and walked away, Rossi kissing my hair before he walked behind them. Since I had been living with him, we had grown much closer and he felt like a real father sometimes. I loved him like one, I guess.

* * *

I went back to Rossi's last night at a reasonable time and ticked the small board Rossi had put up after my therapist requested it. It had 'breakfast', 'lunch' and 'dinner' written across the top and the days down the side, forming a small table. I had to tick whenever I ate. Rossi and I both agreed that it was ridiculous and that it made me seem like a child but I obeyed the therapist's wishes. I hadn't eaten all day yesterday but I falsely ticked the lunch and dinner boxes for Tuesday. Rossi knew that I didn't have breakfast that morning.

I had sat down and watched a movie with Sergio before going to bed.

Then I got up this morning on the hot Wednesday that felt cold to me and I ticked the breakfast box, falsely, once again. I had a shower and got changed before getting in the car that Rossi insisted on buying me and drove to get coffee before arriving at the precinct. It wasn't expensive for him but it would have been for me. A silver Holden Cruze Equipe Hatch was what I drove now.

I walked inside like I used to always do, smiling at the guards and saying a quick hello before going to the elevators and waiting until it reached the sixth floor. I walked through the familiar glass doors and dropped my bag at my desk before walking down the small hall to my right and knocking on Garcia's door before walking in. "I come bearing coffee."

"You are my saviour. I've been here all freaking night. It's a nightmare!" She said as she took the coffee and took a sip. She sighed, "Heaven."

I smiled, "Call me if you need anything or more coffee."

"See you later lovely."

I left her office and returned to my desk and started on the paperwork that I had piled from my desk onto Hotch's before he reluctantly agreed to hand it all back to me. I pretty much forced him into it. He and Rossi were both doing my work before I came back. I worked for a few hours before Garcia walked out, "Can I take you up on more of that coffee?" She asked quietly, bowing her head to my shoulder. The whole bullpen was very quiet.

I nodded, "I'll get right on it."

"I love you. I want to marry you."

I smiled and joked, "Everyone does."

She smiled and thanked me before returning to her office upon answering a call on her ear piece from Hotch.

I got her more coffee and myself and took it to her. "Wait, don't leave. Hotch, she is present." Garcia said as I turned.

"Prentiss?" Hotch asked.

"Yes?"

"If I were to ask you to join a case, would you be comfortable in doing so?"

"That serious, huh? Yeah, I'll help if you need me."

"I want you to be 100 per cent certain that you'll be okay. I already had to talk to your therapist and Strauss this morning."

"Hotch; I'm sure I'll be fine." I assured.

"You might want to hear why we need you before you make a decision." I heard Morgan say.

"…Why do you need me?"

There was a moment of quiet talking on their end that I couldn't make out before JJ spoke "So we have a survivor. She escaped and we believe she is the only one out of dozens that got away from him. She was tortured and raped but she hadn't been murdered and she won't talk to anyone but we need her information to crack the case. We think you might be able to make her feel safe, comfortable. Maybe she'll talk to you. Oh, and she's pretty young."

I weighed the outcomes of this. I would either keep it together just long enough to leave the room from her before I break down or I would be able to keep it together until at least the plane after the case was over. I realised I was thinking in silence for too long.

"You're not comfortable? It's okay if you aren't." Hotch said, "We're not going to hold anything against you."

"No, I'll be okay." I said, my voice sounding slightly unsure even to me. It was probably much more unsure to them.

Garcia took a breath, "I don't like this. She isn't okay yet, Hotch."

"Penelope, if she can help us, we need her to do it. We've got nothing." Morgan admitted.

I took a deep breath, "Where am I going?"

"The jet is waiting for you. Illinois." JJ said.

"I'm leaving now." I said as I walked to the door, "Garcia, catch me up on the plane."

"Yeah, okay." She nodded with a sigh. "I don't like this, Hotch." I heard her say before the door closed behind me. I shook my head and grabbed the go bag from underneath my desk.

" _I'll be fine."_ I texted Garcia as I made my way to the plane quickly, drinking my coffee as I went.

* * *

I got out of the police car and walked to Hotch and Rossi who were currently standing outside the station. The police man who had picked me up walked passed us and inside as I stopped at my boss and father figure.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Rossi asked.

I nodded, "I'm doing okay. You?"

He shook his head and walked inside.

"He's just getting the others." Hotch said, "We have reason to believe that there's a mole here."

"A mole? Like, the unsub or a messenger?"

"A messenger. Every time we get close to something, we come up empty except for very small details that tell us that someone left in a hurry. Only two policemen here have known several things that the others don't, so if it's anyone, it's one of them."

"Do you have an idea of which one?"

"No." He shook his head and turned as the others exited the building and walked down the steps. The joined us and we formed a sort of circle.

"Carter is getting suspicious." JJ said, "Hey Em."

"Hey." I smiled.

"Wilson is too." Reid said.

"And Carter and Wilson are the suspected moles?" I asked Hotch quietly. He nodded and turned again as his name was addressed.

"Agent Hotchner, our men are getting restless." A police officer said.

"I'm sorry that this is taking so long but we have little to work off and a lot to figure out."

"Is this your other agent?" He asked, looking at me. Hotch nodded, "Wilson." He introduced and held his hand out to me.

I shook it, "Prentiss."

"So why are you all out here?" He asked. They all looked at each other, trying to find an excuse.

"I have just recently returned from my honeymoon and we haven't seen each other for over a month." I lied.

He looked at my left hand, "You're not wearing a ring…"

"Well I don't want to lose it." I smiled and tilted my head.

"What's your husband's name?"

"Sergio." I said without thinking. "…He's Spanish…"

He looked around before nodding and turning back to the stairs. He went inside and I turned back to them.

"Good cover." Reid said, holding his laugh back and settling for a smile.

"Sergio? Really?" Hotch smirked.

I smiled, "He's my one and only."

"Okay, we should go back in before Carter comes out and you blurt out a different story." Morgan said.

I followed behind them and walked inside. I took my jacket off without thinking of the short sleeve shirt underneath and put it on my bag in the corner. Hotch looked at my wrist before giving me a hard look, "This case and this case only." He said quietly before walking to the board.


	15. Chapter 15

**Prentiss**

It was around 12:30 pm now and I still hadn't talked to the survivor like I was told I would be doing. Rossi went out to buy me lunch; I was supposed to be eating on a schedule but he and Hotch wouldn't let the rest of the team eat as they were running out of time before they estimated the abduction of the next victim. I listened to them and watched Reid draw on the map and board repeatedly and occasionally put in my thoughts while I ate slowly. JJ was sitting beside me and I offered her a few fries. She took them and ate them silently but Hotch still noticed.

"JJ."

She groaned, "I'm dying."

"You'll survive. Concentrate on this."

She rolled her eyes and I offered her more once he turned around and looked at the board. She took another and watched him as she ate it.

"JJ!" Hotch said in a frustrated voice, "Move to this side of the table."

She scowled and picked up the file and papers in front of her as she stood, "If you just let me eat, I wouldn't be distracted as my stomach tried to eat itself…"

She sat down across the table from me and Hotch turned around again. I picked up a fry and motioned for her to open her mouth. I smirked as she did and tried to hold my laugh back as I threw it into her mouth.

Hotch saw and turned around, looking between the two of us as JJ ate the fry, trying to hold her smile back.

"That was a good shot." Morgan held his fist up to me. I fist bumped him and ate a fry as Hotch watched me.

"Stop." He said to me before turning again, "You're like children."

"Children get to eat in places like this." JJ said quietly.

My laugh escaped me this time and I tried to stop it as Hotch turned and looked at her, "You're going to the next house now. Take Reid with you."

She sighed and stood up. "Come on Reid. We can get some food on our way back." He stood and followed her out.

I sat straighter in my chair and looked at the board as the three men in the room started to discuss it. Rossi stopped mid-sentence after a few minutes, "Eat."

"I'm not hungry." I shook my head.

"Emily."

"Rossi."

"You need to finish that before you go and talk to Katie."

I rolled my eyes and looked at it. The smell was making me feel sick, let alone the taste. They didn't continue talking. The three of them sat in silence and watched me. Rossi cleared his throat and I looked up at him. He motioned for me to eat it.

"I'm not eating it…" I said quietly. "I am the least of your worries right now anyway."

He sighed, "Why do you have to be so difficult? You can't come back to work permanently if you don't get better."

"I'm trying, Rossi." I said defensively, "It's not as easy as you all seem to think it is."

"You're claiming to be doing great on that ridiculous board." He raised his eyebrows, his voice slightly aggravated.

"In case you hadn't noticed, I don't tick every box for every day."

"You're cheating on it, aren't you?" Hotch asked.

I hesitated and the three of them definitely noticed, "No."

"Damn in, Prentiss!" Morgan spat with anger, hitting the table and standing up. He walked to the other side of the room and put his hands on his head. I had flinched when he yelled and when he hit the table and once again, they all noticed. "Hotch, she needs to go back to Virginia."

"Do you want me to talk to the girl or not?"

Hotch and Rossi looked at each other before Hotch motioned for Rossi to make the call. "Go talk to her, get the answers we need and then go home."

"JJ can get the answers. We can do it without her." Morgan said.

"Well, that makes me feel really important. Thanks, Morgan." I stood up and walked out of the room. "Carter? Where's Katie?"

"The survivor? She's in the interrogation room."

"…Why? She isn't a suspect."

He shrugged his shoulders, "We all need to know the answers and we don't want you leaving anything out."

"Considering that she is not a suspect, she has a right to a private conversation with someone who doesn't necessarily have to share the information that might not help in this investigation."

"You can't come in here and change our system, Agent Prentiss." Carter said as he followed me back into the room where Hotch, Rossi and Morgan were.

I wrote down Strauss' number and her name above it, "I'm going to talk to her privately and if you have any problems with me giving her the rights she deserves, call her."

" _I_ invited you onto this case. I can just as easily take you out of it."

"You didn't invite _me_ onto this case. _Hotch_ invited me onto this case. As far as we're all concerned, I'm not technically working this case." I said as I walked out.

I walked down the hall and found a young girl, maybe 12, sitting in the second dull, interrogation room. I opened the door slowly and quietly but still made sure to make my presences known. I closed the door behind me and heard Morgan's quiet voice before it shut completely. They were going to watch through the glass, I assumed.

I sat down in front of her. She looked petrified and she was shaking slightly. "Hey honey, I'm Emily." I said quietly. Her eyes shot up to me quickly. She looked at the bracelet on my wrist for a few seconds before looking back down. She looked interested in it so I slid it off and put it on the table in front of her, "I got that after I was taken from my home, hurt and raped, just like you. It kept me safe afterwards. I want you to have it now."

She stared at me for a second before hesitantly reaching for the bracelet. "Thanks…" She whispered.

I smiled, "How about we get up and you come with me to a more suitable place for you? This room is dull and empty." She looked scared and her eyes grew more frightened as I stood up. I crouched in front of her, "Katie, you are completely safe now. No one here is going to hurt you, okay?"

She nodded slowly and stood up. I smiled again and walked to the door. I opened it and motioned for her to walk out. She walked slowly, like her legs were sore and hadn't moved for a while. I left the door open and glanced at the rest of my team, JJ and Reid included, who had been watching through the window.

I walked through the station with her glued to my side, holding my hand tightly. I walked to a room that resembled a small, neat living room. I was almost certain it existed for this reason. I opened the door and she walked in. I closed the door behind me and lowered the blinds before sitting on one of the couches and motioning her to sit across from me. I tried to establish a foundation of trust and make her comfortable before I tried to pry into what happened. She seemed to trust me quite quickly. Maybe it was because I briefly shared what I had gone through with her to start with so she knew that I understood.

* * *

I had written what I needed from Katie in a notebook to give to Hotch. Eventually, I got everything she could give me and I let her parents take her home. I went outside of the station instead of back to my team. To think that a 12 year old girl had to go through that just because some sick bastard couldn't control himself, it made this hard. I wished it were me taken again instead of her but I didn't at the same time and it was a terrible feeling.

I sat outside of the station and lit a cigarette, attempting to calm myself down before I broke down. I had to smoke in secret now because every time Rossi, Hotch or JJ caught me, they'd make me hand over the lighter and box and they'd throw them out. I was not so lucky with the secrecy today. Hotch and Rossi walked out when I was only a quarter way through the cigarette. "Shit." I breathed quietly as I turned and saw them.

"Have you been smoking this whole time?" Rossi asked me.

I sighed when he sat down beside me and Hotch stood in front of me, "Honestly, yes."

"Does your therapist know?" Hotch asked. I shook my head, "Does anyone else on the team know?" I shook my head again.

"Well, I don't think so. I could be wrong but I doubt they would have seen me with one."

JJ walked out too, sitting on my other side. I gave her a sorry smile, "Don't worry, I already knew. I've seen a pack in your bag a few times throughout the last few weeks."

"Gee, thanks for letting me know that they might have been visible to others."

"I wanted Hotch and Rossi to know; I just didn't want to tell them directly. I was hoping they'd see the packs too but I assume they didn't."

"Nope." Rossi said, "You should have told me, JJ."

"Uh, I think Emily should have told you."

I picked up the notebook from beside me and handed it to Hotch, "That's got everything in it that might be helpful in the case. I only kept the things out that didn't apply to solving it."

He took it, "Thank you. I trust you got her talking, then?"

"Very quickly. I guess it was the knowledge that I knew what she went through. I started by telling her about my experience."

I had finished the cigarette now so I put out the last bit of burning tobacco and stood up, throwing it in the bin beside me.

"You need to go back to Virginia. I'm going to text you when we're leaving here and you need to be in my office by the time I get there, okay?" Hotch asked.

I gave him a questioning look but nodded, "Okay." I walked inside with them to get my things and was stopped at the door of the room we were in by Carter.

"You let her go home?"

"Don't you think she's been through enough?" I asked him quietly.

He let out an irritated breath and his eyes caught my bare wrist. "You shouldn't be working at all."

I lay my jacket over my forearm to cover it, "Don't worry, I'm leaving." I walked passed him and out of the station.

* * *

I had been talking to Hotch for a while now in his office. He had gotten back tonight and didn't take a moment to call Jack or do anything before talking to me.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again. Prentiss, I don't care if you lie to your therapist but I do care if you lie to me or Dave. If you want her to think you're completely fine and she approves you to come back to work but you honestly know that you're not, tell me. I will find excuses for you to still be away without raising suspicion if you be honest with me."

I nodded.

"Now, honestly, have you been lying to her?"

I bit my lip and looked to the side, away from his eyes, "Yeah."

"Are you ticking boxes on that chart that you shouldn't be ticking?"

I hesitated and sighed, "Yeah."

"You have very visibly lost a lot of weight over the past month. What do you weigh now?"

"102…"

He nodded, "It's too obvious, Prentiss. Strauss and your therapist know that you are lying to them and Rossi certainly knows it. He tried not to because he didn't want to think that you'd lie to him but he always knew. Prentiss, you're getting weaker every day. Your weight is not healthy at all and if you don't stop losing and start gaining, you're going to quite possibly kill yourself. You are literally starving yourself and that isn't okay. I have gotten into a lot of trouble for letting it get this far and for letting you be in the precinct."

"I know." I said quietly, "I know what I'm doing and I know the consequences and I know what it's doing to myself and all of you but I can't just stop, Hotch."

"Stop skipping meals, start with something small but nutritious and gradually increase the size of your meals as you go. Your body is rejecting the food so you need to reteach it. Now, I have to tell Rossi—"

"No."

He raised his hand to silence me, "I have to tell Rossi so he knows to keep an eye on you at every meal and to make sure you're eating it. I also need him to know the dangers you're in right now so he knows what's going on if you happen to pass out or collapse. You're not allowed back here at all anymore after tonight; not to do paperwork, not to help on a case and only to see the team if it's urgent."

"Hotch—"

"You can go."

"No, Hotch, you can't—"

"I just did." He stood up and walked to the door before exiting his office. I stood and ran to the door.

"Hotch!" My voice rose so he would stop. The rest of the team were at our desks and were now watching.

"No, Prentiss."

"Don't do this to me."

"You have left me with no options, Emily. You're doing this to yourself."

"This job is the only thing keeping me alive." I said quickly to stop him from walking again as he started. He stopped and turned to look at me. Unwelcome tears filled my eyes as I spoke slowly and lowered my voice slightly as not to disturb the other teams working in the same bullpen, "I have nothing left, Hotchner."

"Regain your weight, then we'll talk. And don't try and lie to me about it again because it is that obvious."

"Aaron!" I tried to stop him from walking away again but he left this time, his bag over his shoulder. I felt the eyes of my team on me as the tears fell from my eyes. I sobbed as I turned and walked back into his office. I threw the door closed behind me hard and loud. I was furious and upset. I didn't make it to a chair; I fell to the floor as I broke into uncontrollable tears and sobs.

I couldn't do this for much longer.


	16. Chapter 16

**WARNING:** **This chapter is heavy. If you are sensitive to situations involving suicide, please do not read this.**

 **Prentiss**

4 days had passed and I hadn't said a word to anyone. I was silent and feeling very unwell in my bed at Rossi's mansion. Sergio wasn't lying with me; I had kicked him out of the room. I never acknowledged Rossi's presence when he came into the room or tried to speak to me. I didn't answer any calls or texts from JJ, Reid, Garcia or Morgan. They had to leave for a case again two nights ago. Rossi was afraid to leave me alone but he really had no choice. They were already an agent down; they needed whoever they could get.

I went downstairs for the first time since I broke down in Hotch's office back at the precinct where the team had found me and I sat down on one of his several computers. This one wasn't his work one so I didn't feel anxious to use it. I opened the internet and looked up therapy services around here with the best reviews and wrote down the number. I didn't want to call yet, but maybe I would in the near future.

I walked around, though my whole body felt extremely tired and weak. I felt like bone. That's what I was. Bone. I sat outside for a short while to enjoy the fresh air in the silence of the human-less surroundings. I could hear birds and the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees and that was it. It was beautiful, but it was lonely.

I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to be at Rossi's or in Virginia or even the United States. I didn't want to be on this Earth. I didn't want to exist anymore. I thought about just how much it would affect the team if I wasn't around anymore. It couldn't be that bad, could it? I wouldn't need that number after all.

I stood and walked inside, finding a notebook in one of the drawers of the computer desk. I started to write without thinking about it.

/*\

' _Rossi, I'm so sorry I had to do this. I didn't want to have to depend on you for everything and I didn't want to burden you. I know now that I was doing a lot more than just that and I am so sorry. But don't worry; you don't need to care anymore. I'll be much happier down in hell._

 _I promise that you won't even remember me before long. I'll be another being of your past that you need to let go of, and I will be so grateful if you do that as soon as possible._

 _Thank you for being the father I needed and never had and thank you for giving me everything I could have hoped for. This is in no way your fault. I love you, Dave, and I always will.'_

/*\

' _Hotch, I didn't mean for it to get this far, but now that it has, I can't see any other way out. It won't be hard for you to find a replacement for me; I'm pretty easy to replace. Don't worry; you have no reason to deal with me anymore. I know how disappointed you must be in me and I am so sorry that I've caused so much havoc upon you, your life, your job and your team._

 _It won't take long for you to forget, trust me on that. Give it a few months and I'll be wiped from your memory. I don't deserve a place there and I don't want a place there. You can let me go and you can move on- I won't be offended; I'll be dead anyway._

 _Thank you for showing me the support that you have and in no way is this because of you. You are the boss that no one really thinks exists and you are the friend that anyone would be lucky to have. I love you, Hotchner.'_

/*\

' _Morgan, I'm so sorry for doing this. I didn't mean to become the biggest disappointment in everyone's lives. I know, this is just making it worse, but honestly, this is the only option I saw. I tried, Morgan. I really did._

 _There's always been something about you that set you apart from Reid, Rossi and Hotch. I don't know what it was, but you were just…different. You made me feel different, better, all the time. I just thought I should tell you the impact you had on my life, because it was an appreciated one._

 _You'll soon forget me and don't fight that time when it comes. I don't want to stay in your memory; I want to slip from it quickly as to not cause you any grief. I'm a bit farfetched here, I know, I'm just counting on the unknown and hoping that you did actually care like you said you did. You, Morgan, are one of my few heroes. I love you. This is not your fault.'_

/*\

' _Garcia, words can't explain how sorry I am about this. Out of the whole team, you are who I assume will be the most affected by my choice. Let's hope it isn't much. I can't handle any more guilt._

 _You were one of my best friends and one of the few reasons I stayed so long. You, along with the team, mean the world to me and I never wished for that to be different._

 _I'll be gone soon, out of your lives and out of your memories. Try your hardest to forget because I know more than anyone that memories ruin you. I know what the world can do to a girl that only sees beauty in it, Penelope. Don't let anything destroy the person you are._

 _Thank you for being you and for being an amazing friend that anyone would be lucky to have. I love you so damn much, Pen. I miss you already. This is not your fault. '_

/*\

' _JJ, I don't know if you'll read this. You tend to be very reluctant in reading or looking at things that will upset you. If you are reading this, then please know that I am so sorry that I did this to you._

 _I didn't want to get this bad, but everything just kept going wrong as soon as I expected the good. You are my very best friend, Jayje, and I wouldn't have traded you for the world. You saved me on multiple occasions and you are one of the few reasons I was there for so long._

 _Don't let anything drag you down. Keep your life on track. Focus on the positives and ignore everything negative because you deserve the happiness that is rarely found._

 _Thank you so much for being you, for saving me and for supporting and loving me. It means so much to me. I love you so much, JJ. This is not your fault._

 _P.S- Tell Will I'm sorry and I appreciate everything he has done for me over the years. He's an amazing guy. Don't worry about Henry; he won't remember me.'_

/*\

' _Reid, I know. I know I promised that I would tell you. I've broken that promise twice now and I am so sorry. You, as well as the team, but mostly you, kept me going for so long. You saved me and you supported me and you made me feel like I was worth something._

 _I didn't mean to leave you like this. I always pictured my death to be on the job, dying while trying to save the people who deserved their life more than I did. It all just got so damn hard and I got to a point where talking about it was beyond impossible._

 _This isn't your fault. You did what you could and you did more than enough. You did so much more than you probably think you did._

 _Get that insanely smart brain of yours out to see the world under your own terms, not the job's. Live a little, Spence._

 _Thank you so much for everything you did for me over this years and I cannot express how glad I am to have to met you. I love you endlessly.'_

/*\

I found envelopes and sealed the small notes into them. I went back outside and had one last cigarette, fed Sergio for the last time and have him a few kisses and cuddles before picking up the letters and taking them to the precinct. I wasn't supposed to be there but I called Anderson to meet me out the front. I gave him the letters and told him to put them all on the desks of those whom they were addressed too. He nodded and I assumed he obeyed. I drove back to Rossi's and found the pills I was supposed to be taking over the last few months but I hadn't popped one. Now I had 3 bottles filled of sleeping pills. They were strong, too.

I got a bottle of water and decided to leave the house for this. I'm sure Rossi wouldn't appreciate a dead body in his house. It was dark out now. I stopped at a park and sat on one of many park benches. It was my favourite park and the majority of the team knew that so I figured they'd find me eventually if a civilian already hadn't. I opened the pill containers and started taking two at a time. If I did it quickly, I'd be able to down them all. That's exactly what I did as I cried endlessly. I hoped, for a moment as everything started to dull and turn black, that someone would find me and save me. _Do I regret this? No, I don't. I can't. It's done now and you are doing this for your team. They'll be happier without you. Lie down and close your eyes. Let the pills do their thing._


	17. Chapter 17

**Prentiss**

My eyes flicked open quickly, darting around as I soaked in my surroundings. There was nothing in here except for several chairs and a table beside the bed I was in. The room was white, just like the last time I was in the hospital, but something was different. Why was it so plain?

I sat up and felt slightly dizzy. I felt sick, an IV was hooked up to me and tears filled my eyes. I wasn't dead; I was very alive. I didn't try to hold back at all. I sobbed hard and I didn't stop for a long while. I screamed a lot too from all the pain; mental, emotional and physical.

Eventually, my cries died down and I felt extremely tired. Tears fell down my cheeks slowly and silently as I looked around again. I looked down and tried to remove the IV drip from my arm.

"Stop." A male voice said. I looked up to see a man standing at the door, "Leave it be. I'll call a doctor for you." I dropped my hand down as he walked back out and I tried to take deep breaths. I was scared of what was to come now. What the doctors would do, what Rossi and Hotch would do, what the team would think.

I tried to calm my tears as I saw the doctor walk passed the window to my left towards the door. She walked in and smiled at me warmly, "Agent Prentiss, I'm Doctor Morley. Do you remember what happened?" I nodded in response and waited for her to continue. "Well Agent Rossi and the rest of your team returned to your workplace and found the notes you left straight away. They went looking for you and Agent Jareau found you and called an ambulance in time. You're under suicide watch right now and your team hasn't left since you got here. It's been 2 days and they refuse to leave you here alone. Normally, I probably wouldn't allow it but after talking to your team, it's clear that they are the only reason you held on for so long so I will allow them to visit you in here if you would like."

I hesitated. I didn't know what to say or do. I was speechless. Had they read the letters? I hoped not; not until I was actually dead.

"If it helps, they _really_ want to see you. Agent Jareau and the other blonde that always has the laptop; they've both been in tears this whole time. Agent Rossi is miserable and the skinny kid, his head isn't here. Your boss and the big guy; they're both trying to keep the others calm but they can't keep themselves calm long enough to do that. The brown haired guy who I'm assuming is with Agent Jareau and who I assume is their son with them too, they're both miserable too. The boy doesn't know what's going on and the older boy with your boss, he understands and he's scared."

I nodded, "Let them in please?"

She smiled and nodded, "A great choice. You are going to be fine, okay? Just a few more days until you're physically fine but you might need to stay in here longer to assure us that you won't try again straight away. Your therapist is coming in tomorrow."

She left and a few tears rolled down my cheeks again. I waited silently for my team. Jack and Henry walked in ahead of the others. Jack ran to me and jumped up onto the bed, throwing his arms around me, "Are you okay?" He asked as he pulled away.

I smiled and wiped my tears from my cheeks, "Yeah, I'm going to be fine." He nodded and jumped down, running back to Hotch's side. JJ assisted Henry up and he hugged me too.

"I love you." He whispered. I closed my eyes as more tears rolled over. I kissed the side of his head and held him to me.

"I love you too, buddy."

"What happened?" He asked as we parted.

"I got sick." It wasn't a complete lie, I was mentally sick. I still am.

"Mummy said to tell you that we all love you and that you're import-an-ant."

I smiled and tried not to laugh, "Thanks Henry." Will lifted him up and put him back to the floor.

"I'm glad you're okay." Will said quietly before kissing my cheek and moving to the other side of the room with Henry as to give the others room to see me. "Jack, come sit down." He said, giving Hotch some space from him.

JJ and Garcia's faces were both red, tears on their cheeks. Reid and Rossi had tears in their eyes. Hotch looked upset but not emotional enough to cry and Morgan looked angry, guilty and sad all the same.

I dropped my eyes and was lost for words. I was taken by surprise when I felt JJ's arms wrap around me. I hugged her as she sobbed. She wasn't even trying to stay strong for Henry or in front of the team. That told me she was really hurt, "JJ, I'm okay." I whispered. She sobbed harder and started to shake slightly. I hushed her and waited until she was ready to part from me.

"Don't ever do that to me again." She said quietly, shaking her head.

Garcia hugged me next. She was sobbing too and I hushed her as well. I kissed her cheek and held her for as long as I did JJ until she decided that she would let the others hug me too.

Morgan stepped forwards and hugged me. I closed my eyes, finding the most comfort in his embrace for some reason. Maybe it was because I felt so cold, like always, and he was so warm, like always. Or maybe it was the fact that he was the only one here who looked angry with me. They should be angry; I deserve every argument, every shout and every glare that they should be giving me.

"You promised." Reid said quietly once Morgan had stepped back and put a comforting arm around Garcia.

I nodded and held back tears, "I know."

"So why didn't you call me?"

"The same reason as last time, Reid. I didn't want you to try and stop me and I didn't want you to feel like you should have done more."

"I still feel like I should have done more."

"There was nothing you could have done." I shook my head.

"Is it because Hotch—"

"No." I cut him off, "That has nothing to do with it."

"Then why?" He looked at me and waited for a reply. I didn't give him one so he walked out of the room quickly. I saw tears roll down his cheeks as we walked past the window.

I closed my eyes to keep it together before opening them and looking towards Hotch and Rossi. Hotch let out a breath and walked the few steps over, hugging me. He stayed with his arms around me longer than he ever had and I took the moment to rest my brain momentarily. I was exhausted in all possible ways. "You had us worried sick."

He pulled away and I saw his eyes were slightly watered. My heart broke. The only time I had ever seen Hotch cry was when Haley died at the hands of Foyet and he beat him to death. "I'm sorry." I said to him quietly. It was the first sorry I had voiced today.

"Don't try again." He shook his head. I moved my eyes to Rossi without replying to that. He stepped up and hugged me tightly, a tear escaping his eye just before he did.

The tears broke through the barrier I had put up and were now streaming down my face. "How are you really feeling?" He whispered so quietly.

"Scared." I replied at the same volume.

He kissed my forehead after pulling away, "We'll get through it, Em. I promise you that I'm not leaving your side anymore."

I closed my eyes and shook my head, "Yes you are."

"No. I'm not letting this happen again."

"Rossi, you can't retire yet. You still have so much to do and teach."

"And you can't run from reality forever. You _will_ get better, Emily, and I am going to make sure of it. This team won't survive another situation like this."

"This team will survive because it needs to—"

"No." JJ cut me off, anger in her voice. "You don't get to make that decision."

"That wasn't a decision, it was—"

"Promise us." She cut me off again.

"What?"

"Promise us that you won't try again."

"I've broken my promise to Reid twice. I'm not going to make the same mistake with anyone else."

"What was your promise to Reid? You both keep bringing it up and the profilers probably profiled what it is but I'm not a profiler, I'm already sad and I feel left out not knowing." Garcia said.

"I promised him that I'd tell him if I felt…bad before I did anything as a result of it."

"Suicidal." Hotch corrected. "If you felt _suicidal._ "

The doctor walked in and cleared her throat, "Sorry to interrupt but Agent Prentiss needs to get some rest."

Hotch nodded and turned back to me, "We'll be waiting for when you wake up."

He held the door and waited for everyone to walk out. Morgan didn't move and motioned for him to go. Once Hotch closed the door behind him, Morgan turned to Doctor Morley. "Do you think I can have a few minutes?"

She nodded, "5. Then she needs to sleep." She turned and walked out; leaving me feeling very nervous as Morgan walked over and took my hand.

"Do you realise the affect this has had on everyone?" He asked. I nodded, "Do you know how much we love you and how much we care and how important you are to us?" I nodded again. "Did you know that before you tried?"

"Yeah…"

"So why'd you do it? The letters didn't explain much."

"You read them?"

He nodded, "We read them aloud in the waiting room the same night you came in. Why'd you try again? What happened? Hotch said you were getting better."

I shook my head, "Hotch knew I wasn't. I was lying to my therapist so I could stop seeing her and so I could come back to the precinct and I was lying to all of you." I took a deep breath to calm myself down, "I did it because I have nothing left apart from you, the rest of the team and Sergio. I figured that you'd all be fine within a few months and I would be free of this hell we live in."

He sighed and nodded, "I want to tell you something but I don't at the same time."

I tilted my head, "Shoot."

"Okay but first, please, _please_ promise me that you'll at least try to get better after this. You'll see the therapist and be truthful with her and you'll wait it out until you're actually fit to be back at work."

"I'll try." I nodded. "I did try."

"I know you did, but I want you to again. You can beat this, Emily. Everything in the world and the only arse you can't kick is depressions…and mine."

"I could kick your arse if I wanted to."

"No you couldn't. Not with the weight you're running. You are _so_ unhealthy, Em."

"Is that what you wanted to tell me?"

"Uh…yeah."

"No it isn't. Morgan, you can tell or ask me anything. You know that."

He nodded and took a calming breath, "Emily, Hotch was told to start looking for your replacement. Last time he was told, all six of us fought against Strauss and the director. This time, Hotch and Rossi didn't argue. If you want your job, you need to show rapid improvement within the next few months. You did not hear this from me."

I nodded and tried to keep the tears back, "Thanks for letting me know."

"Yeah, well there's a lot you're being left out on right now. I figured you deserved to know something. We love you; please, don't give up on us."

I swallowed hard as the sobs rose in my throat. I nodded and he kissed my cheek before walking out.

Doctor Morley came in and made sure I was comfortable before dimming the light slightly and walking out. I saw the man whom I assumed was the one assigned to watching me standing at the window talking with Hotch and the doctor. I tried to ignore it and closed my eyes, praying to fall asleep before I fell apart.


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey guys! I'm sorry to the recent reviewers about not replying very fast. The site had problems with the reviews again for some users and they wouldn't show up until this morning. I hope you're enjoying this. I know, it's a bit slow.**

 **-A xx**

 **Prentiss**

Two weeks passed and I was finally allowed to leave the hospital and go home. The team was instructed to have at least one of them with me at all times. It would probably be Garcia more than anyone else. She could work from Rossi's and watch me at the same time.

I was sitting in the living room between Morgan and Reid. The others were on the other couches, Will, Jack and Henry included. Silence had fallen over the room as they all watched me, waiting for me to either speak or walk away. Or maybe they were just observing me as I thought about what I had done, tears filling my eyes and then drying repeatedly.

"When was the last time you got laid?" Garcia asked, trying to make conversation.

I looked at her and my eyes narrowed, "Oh, about 3 months."

"With who—oh…" She caught on. The others got it straight away. Why would I have gone out and slept with people after being raped over and over again? "I meant legally…"

"I know what you meant." I rolled my eyes. My phone rang and I was grateful for the interruption.

"Prentiss." I picked up the call.

"Agent Prentiss, it's Karly Webber from London Interpol. I'm not sure if you remember me, we only met a few times…"

"No, I remember." I said politely.

"Well, I have been told you're working for the BAU in Virginia?"

"Uh…somewhat, yes."

"I was curious as to what was required before involving your team in a case internationally."

"Typically, if there have been two or more murders and you can't figure it out, that's when we'd be called in. If you believe that you need the help of outside sources, I would suggest reaching out to resources in your country before searching internationally. You would have to speak to my Unit Chief for further information if you wanted the BAU's assistance."

"Thank you, Emily. No other team around here is either available or capable. What is your Unit Chief's name? If you don't mind me asking.

"Aaron Hotchner. I can give you his number if you'd like."

"That would be great, thank you. I'll grab a pen." I waited until she confirmed that she was ready before telling her Hotch's number. She thanked me again and hung up and I put my phone back down.

"You know Hotch's number off the top of your head?" JJ asked.

"…I know all your numbers off the top of my head. Speed dial is just quicker."

She raised her eyebrows, "I don't think I know any of our numbers, not even my own. I've just always used speed dial so I never needed them..."

"I know Reid's because of that time I gave his number to the press to call for questions." Morgan smirked.

I laughed quietly to myself, "That was funny." Reid shook his head, "Hey, you got him back. That was funnier." His glare at Morgan turned into a smirk.

"So, now that you're in a good mood, I'm going to ruin it by asking if you're ready to talk about the letters…" Hotch said.

"I am not and I won't ever be. You shouldn't have opened them until you knew I was dead."

"How were we supposed to know that they were what they were? It didn't even look like your handwriting so we did open them and we have questions." Rossi said.

"Questions that you wouldn't have had answers to if I didn't survive so I'm not giving them to you now." I said to him. It sounded a lot ruder than I had intended.

"Are you blaming me for your survival?" He asked.

"No." I shook my head.

"Yes you are; you're blaming all of us. If you're going to blame anyone than blame me because I'm the one that found you and I called the ambulance and I did what I could to keep your heart beating until they got there." JJ said quickly.

"I'm not blaming anyone but myself." I said calmly.

"I'd blame the doctor and paramedics, personally." Morgan said quietly.

"Yeah." I stood up and walked to my bag on the table across the room. I grabbed a cigarette out of the packet and my lighter and walked to the front door. Hotch was about to ask where I was going but stopped when I lifted and showed him the cigarette.

I walked down the yard and driveway for a while but still stayed in view of the house so they could see me. I sat down on the driveway and tears fell from my eyes as I breathed the nicotine in and out. I heard footsteps approach and Hotch sat down beside me. "You know, there is much more to your life than the job, Prentiss."

I nodded, "And that's why you're taking it away from me."

"No, I don't want to take it away from you. I'm not going to ask how you know because I don't want to have to talk to the team about it, but I wouldn't be doing it if I had a choice."

I shook my head, "Doesn't matter. I'm not staying here anyway."

"Where are you planning on going?" He asked hesitantly. I held the cigarette to the side of me that was opposite him and turned my head that way every time I breathed out.

"I don't know. Wherever the plane takes me."

"Why?"

"Why not? I have nothing here except for this team and I don't even feel like I have that anymore. I've fucked everything up; my whole life has fallen into pieces that I can't seem to put back together. I have no job, no family—"

"We're your family, Prentiss. Blood means nothing to us and if you can't see that then we're just going to have to try harder to show you that. We don't want you to leave and Dave and I didn't want to agree to start looking for a replacement but we had to. You don't have to leave, though. You have two months at the most; that's as far as I can stretch it. Improve and you'll have your job back. If you don't and we need to get a new agent than that it what we'll do but you'll always be the same to us. We might not see you as often as we'd like but we will whenever we can and—"

"Stop. Just stop." I cut him off, shaking my head. "You'll find a new agent and that agent will become the person I was supposed to be and you'll all forget about me soon enough. You'll all be a little shocked when I leave but after a few days, it won't matter."

"I don't think you understand just how important you are to us or just how much we love you. Whether you're working or not, we'll always consider you a part of our team. You still have 2 months to improve, so don't go making plans or assumptions yet."

"I'm not going to get better, Hotch." I said quietly.

"Then tell me honestly why you think that? _Honestly._ " He emphasised.

"I…I'm not…I let it go too far and I didn't accept help soon enough. I'm not anything anymore. I don't feel anything, I can't concentrate on anything, I can't sleep or eat anything. I can't last a day without falling apart and I can't let myself do that in front of any of you and it's hard. It's so damn hard." Tears streamed my cheeks and I realised that I was falling apart in front of Hotch. I was crying in front of my boss who was never upset and who would suspend you for anything that could compromise your working ability. But he wasn't my boss. I didn't have a job anymore.

He moved towards me slightly and pulled me into him, holding me to him comfortingly. I tried desperately not to cry or even sob in his arms. "Emily, you can cry. I'm not going to see you any different." He whispered. That did it. I fell apart in Hotch's arms on Rossi's driveway.

* * *

I woke up in screams and cold sweats. My whole body was shaking and tears instantly overflowed onto my cheeks.

Rossi ran in quickly and to my side, "Hey, hey, you're okay, Em. Shh." He hushed as he sat on the side of the bed and hugged me. He kissed my temple and held me until I calmed down. It didn't take long; his touch was like any good father's, comforting and loving. I turned my face into his chest and sobbed a few times but I kept it at that.

When I finally parted from him and wiped my tears away, Garcia, Hotch and Morgan all stood near the door. "Sorry." I said quietly.

Rossi stood up, "Come on."

I looked at the clock beside me, "It's 3:23 in the morning…"

He nodded, "I know, but you can't go to sleep with that running through your head so come downstairs, drink some coffee, and tell me about it. We've done this before."

"Aren't you tired?"

"I think I'll survive. Come on." He said as he turned the light on to keep me awake and walked out and towards the stairs, not his room. Hotch and Morgan followed him. Garcia stayed at the door.

"Are you okay?" She asked quietly.

I slid out from underneath the duvet and put my robe over my long sleeves shirt and long pants. I nodded, "It was just a dream. Sorry for waking you."

"How often does this happen?" She asked as she walked out of the room and down the stairs with me.

"It happens more when I'm alone, not around anyone, but it does happen occasionally. Not every night, maybe once every week or two, depending on how I'm feeling and what's been happening. But every time, Rossi makes me get up and tell him everything before I'm allowed to go back to sleep. It's just what my therapist told him to do so he's doing what he can to help me right now."

"Can I hear?" She asked hopefully.

"I guess you can but it's not that interesting. Normally I talk about it, Rossi talks about something different to distract me and then allows me to go back to bed."

She nodded and walked into the dining room with me. Hotch, Morgan, Rossi, JJ, Reid and Will all sat at the table awaiting our entry. "Coffee's on." Rossi said, motioning for us to sit.

"Guys, at least I asked if I could be here…" Garcia said as she sat.

"We didn't want to her to have the option to say no." JJ smiled.

"Well that is a lot smarter and that is why you guys hunt the bad guys and I just tell you what you want to know."

"Aren't you hot?" Reid asked.

"Do I look like I'm capable of being hot?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Hey, at least you know you're too thin."

I snickered and looked down to avoid all the eyes on me. Rossi stood and walked out to get the coffee and Hotch and Will followed to assist him. They came back within a few minutes, bringing a mug for everyone. "You have it black now?" Hotch asked me.

I nodded and thanked Rossi as he set it down in front of me.

"Uh…why? You used to hate black coffee…" JJ said.

I didn't reply so Rossi did for me, "No sugar or milk, not as many calories."

"So you still hate it, you just think that cutting it out of our coffee will help you lose weight?" She asked. She sighed as I didn't reply and looked at Will.

"Okay, let's move to the nightmare." Rossi said, seeing how uncomfortable and irritated this was making me.

The room fell silent and I looked around as they waited for me to speak. I took a drink of the coffee and made a disgusted face as I swallowed and tasted the awful flavour. "Basically, you all died. Can I go to bed now?"

"That's not all of it. Emily, you know what your therapist said."

"I know what she said I just don't agree with what she said."

"Emily." Rossi said in a frustrated voice. "Is it the same one as previous?" I nodded in response. "Well, explain it again."

I sighed, "It was the same as reality when I was held captive by those two guys except you found me before I had the chance to get out and run and you were all shot and then they…raped me again." I explained it quietly, not comfortable with this at all. They all knew it, too. This wasn't the first time I had this dream and I shared very vaguely. The dream had a lot more to it.

"I thought it was the Henry and Jack one." Rossi said quietly.

"Nope." I sighed, resting my head in my hand, my elbow on the table.

"Wait…Henry and Jack?" JJ asked.

"This is a reoccurring dream she has but so is another one where Henry and Jack are in danger and no matter what she does, she can't get to them in time."

"It's like a maze in a warehouse type building and I can hear them calling for me and every single time I have it, I take a different route, trying to find a new, quicker way to get to them but it still happens. Every time I finally get to the area they're in, I shoot them."

" _You_ shoot them?" Reid asked.

I nodded, "There's two of me."

"Which feels worse?" Garcia asked curiously.

I shook my head, "They're both about the same. Can I go back upstairs now?" I looked over to Rossi.

He sighed and nodded.

"Thank you." I stood up and walked out of the room. I knew they were going to stay down there and either talk about me or my dreams but I didn't care right now. I was tired and I was thinking about my dreams and now I was thinking of a different approach to the dream with Henry and Jack. I hoped Hotch, JJ and Will didn't see the dream as a threat on their son's because it was me that shot them in the dream.


	19. Chapter 19

**Prentiss**

Karly Webber from London had called Hotch and after he proposed the idea of the team going to help, Strauss and the director both denied the movement. Now they were off on a case in Utah, leaving Garcia and I stuck in Rossi's home. They left three days ago and I had been on and off the phone since with Karly to help out. I decided that I needed to be there to help with anything useful so I packed a bag, bought a plane ticket and hoped Garcia wouldn't question me.

"Where do you think you're going?" She asked as I walked into the living room. She was sitting on the ground with three laptops in front of her on the table.

"Why do you need three laptops?"

"Because sometimes I need to do several things at once. Where are you going?"

I sighed, "London. I'll only be a few days until this case is cleared up. I need to not to tell Hotch, Rossi or anyone else and lie for me. I should be back before them; that's a difficult case, right?"

"It is, but that doesn't mean—"

"Garcia. They need all the help they can get. Please, just let me go and do the only thing I'm good at."

"…Fine, but if they find out, you're covering for me and saying that I tried my hardest to get you to stay but you won. I think I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for this."

"Thank you, Pen." I smiled and walked over, kissing her cheek, "I love you."

"Mmhmm, back at you gumdrop."

I walked out of the house and to the road as the cab I called pulled up. I got in and went to the airport and answered my phone as I stepped out of the cab, "Hey Rossi." I gave the money to the driver and walked inside with my bag.

"Hey; how are you doing?" He asked. He didn't seem to know what was going on.

"I'm doing okay." I tried to sound convincing, "You? How's the case going?"

"…Didn't you just ask Garcia that?"

"Oh…yeah…I was just hoping you had different answers."

"Hoping? You _don't_ want us to have the unsub and be home by tomorrow morning?"

"That's great; I meant I was hoping you'd be staying a few more days, you know, give me some more time to myself."

"You're at the airport." He called me out.

"No…what makes you think that?"

"I just heard a flight being called to board. What the hell are you doing, Emily?"

"I'm going to London."

"No, no you're not. Go home."

"Rossi, they need help."

"And you are not the one to give it to them, especially in your…state…"

I rolled my eyes, "I forgot you couldn't see me but I just rolled my eyes. I'll be fine, Rossi. I'll call you daily if you want but I need to help them out."

"You want to do this so badly because of Clyde, don't you?"

I sighed and looked around me, "I need to apologise to his girlfriend and I need to do something to at least make up for some of what happened."

"It was not your fault."

"I know, but I still need to help them."

He sighed, "Fine, but I will call you twice daily and if Hotch asks you, tell him to speak to me."

I closed my eyes and sighed in relief, "Thank you. I've got to go; the plane's boarding. I love you."

"I love you too, Em." I could hear the small smile in his voice and I smiled to myself as I hung up. I gave my ticket to the person that stands at the gate and thanked him and walked to the plane.

* * *

I didn't expect to be in London for so long. Rossi called me in the morning and in the evening every day and if I missed a call, I had to call him back as soon as possible. I got back to Virginia of the Friday of the second week. I walked out of the airport and saw Rossi, Hotch and Jack waiting. Rossi seemed to be entertaining Jack for the most part, talking to him and being very enthusiastic and Hotch was looked around, getting impatient. When his eyes caught mine, he tapped Rossi's shoulder and said something to Jack before walking towards me. "What are you doing, Prentiss?" He asked when he reached me.

"I needed to go. I'm really sorry."

He sighed and picked up my bag for me. He looked me up and down for a few extra seconds, "You were eating over there voluntarily?"

I looked away, "Whoa, thanks for pointing out that the weight I put back one was noticeable."

"Honestly, it isn't that noticeable, but I was looking for it."

"Yeah, well don't get too excited, it was only a few pounds. I don't even think that's visible to anyone that isn't a profiler."

He nodded and walked to the car beside me. He put my bag in the back and got in the front. Rossi hugged me before getting in the passenger seat and I got in the backseat with Jack.

"Where did you go?" Jack asked me curiously.

"London." I smiled at him.

"Was it fun? What did you do? Do you like it there? Have you been there before?"

"I was working, but there was a day or two that were fun when I didn't need to work. I do like there and I have been there numerous times. I lived there for a while."

"Tell me about it." He said interestedly.

I nodded and told him all about London until we reached Rossi's house. I got out and grabbed my own bag, carrying it in behind Jack. Rossi and Hotch were a step or two beside me.

"Hey!" Garcia said happily as I walked in, "I got in trouble!" The enthusiasm stayed despite her statement.

I smiled, "Sorry, but thanks for trying."

"Always, buttercup."

JJ walked in and smiled wide when she saw me. She hugged me and sat down beside Reid. He and Morgan greeted me too and I took my bag upstairs before walking back down and sitting beside Morgan.

"Long two weeks?" He asked.

"Extremely." I sighed and smiled at him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

"I meant—"

"I know; I just didn't want to answer that."

"So not good then?" He smiled sympathetically. I shook my head and rested it on his shoulder.

"So…do you want to come out tonight? Because we all have to go to this Bureau thing." JJ said.

"No, I don't, but thanks for offering."

JJ looked at Hotch and Rossi, "What do we do, then?"

"I'll stay here." Morgan said casually, "It's not really my thing."

"It's free food…" Garcia said.

He rolled his eyes, "But seriously, I was dreading tonight." He looked down at me, still against his shoulder, "Thanks for not wanting to go."

"Anytime." I said quietly. I yawned and my eyes felt heavy.

"You looked like you're about to pass out. Go upstairs and get some sleep." Rossi said.

I smiled and stood, "Have fun tonight."

* * *

"What do you want to do?" Morgan asked me as we sat in the living room again. I had woken up about an hour ago and the team left about 10 minutes ago.

"Maybe we should go out."

"Get you laid?" He joked.

I snickered, "Yeah, good luck with that. Look at me; I look like a skeleton crossed with a zombie."

"Believe it or not, you don't look as bad as you think. I mean, yeah, you're visibly too thin and you've gotten pretty deep bags under your eyes but it doesn't look horrible."

I smiled, "Gee, thanks."

He laughed, "That sounded a lot nicer in my head."

I stood up, "Come be my wingman."

"Really?" He asked, "It wasn't really that long ago…"

"Morgan, I'm going insane."

He smirked, "Okay, calm down. Let's go then."

"Wait, I need to get changed and do my hair and makeup first."

"Please, it will take you all of 5 minutes to find a guy that'll bang you. You don't need to spend that much time—"

"Shh." I stood and walked away. I motioned for him to follow me to help picked a dress and keep me company.

"Red or black?" I asked as I held up two dresses.

"Uh…I have no idea. They both look great."

"Why can't I have a gay friend?" I mumbled, "Which would you prefer on a woman?"

"I would prefer her to be naked."

I rolled my eyes and looked at the dresses. "They'll both look terrible on me now."

"Why?"

"Because I've lost so much weight. They won't even fit properly."

"Do you want me to take you out to buy a new dress?"

I sighed and sat down on the bed beside him, "No, thanks though."

"Well pick whichever dress will be easier to remove in another 5 minutes because that's how long it'll last."

I looked at him, "I think you're overestimating me."

He shook his head, "Nope. You are that beautiful. Any guy would be lucky."

"Morgan, you seem to be flirting with me…" I smirked.

He smiled and looked forwards, "It would appear so."

I laughed to myself and shook my head.

"What?" He asked, looking back at me.

"Why, out of every girl you know or could go out and meet, are you flirting with _me_?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "I already said. You're beautiful and you're kind and…well, alone."

"Do you always try to pick up the lonely ones?"

"Sometimes. It's nice to show them that they are, in fact, _not_ alone."

I smiled and tilted my head slightly, "I cannot believe I am saying this but that is very sweet of you, Derek."

He smiled to himself and leaned backwards onto his hands on the bed. This movement brought his face closer to mine, "I live to please."

"You live to save." I said quietly, looking from his eyes to his lips as the inched towards mine slowly and subtly. He pressed his lips gently to mine. I didn't think he'd have the balls to do it. I didn't expect this to happen 5 minutes ago. My mind was screaming, telling me that this wasn't okay and to stop but my heart was telling me to keep going as I kissed him back. I listened to my heart and leant backwards slightly as he rolled and moved above me. I tugged on his lip gently and pulled his sweatshirt from his body, revealing his finely toned muscles protruding attractively from his dark skin.

"Stop." He whispered, out of breath from all the kissing and hardly any time to breath, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I rolled my eyes and pushed his lips back to mine, one hand on the back of his neck and the other gripping his arm. He was gentle with his touch and pulled my shirt over my head softly. He kissed down my neck and across my collarbone.

I sighed and put my hand on his chest, pushing him slightly. He stopped and pulled back, "Want me to stop?"

"I don't want you to, but I also don't want you to see me this thin and…like, bony…"

He smiled, "Emily, it really doesn't matter to me, but if you want me to stop, I will."

"Are you going to judge me?" I asked. He shook his head. "Then I don't want you to stop."

He smiled and pressed his lips back to mine before returning to my neck and across my collarbone. I dropped my head back to allow him full access to it and he stopped momentarily, nuzzling my neck and catching his breath. My hands moved down to his belt and I undid the buckle. He had returned to my lips and stopped to gasp quietly when my hands slid under his waistband instead of pulling them down. It was fun to tease him, but I couldn't bring myself to drag this part on longer than needed.


	20. Chapter 20

**Prentiss**

Morgan and I had joined the team in the living room. It was a cold morning. Well, cold for me, warm for them. I sat with a blanket around me at his side. It didn't feel like summer at all.

"Did you have fun last night?" I asked them. Jack, Henry and Will had come with the rest of the team this morning to spend the day with us. Apparently Rossi invited everyone for the day and probably night.

"It was fun, actually. I didn't expect it to be." JJ said, "Morgan, there was actually dancing and everything."

"Bet you wish you came now." Garcia smirked at him.

He smiled, "Nah, not really. I had fun here."

"Oh! Reid almost hooked up with some girl from the third floor!" JJ said excitedly, "It was so weird. They were both so awkward."

I smiled at Reid, "What went wrong?"

"She was weird."

" _She_ was weird?" Rossi smirked at him, "Reid, you don't not go home with someone because _you_ , of all people, think they're weird. She was quite attractive."

"She would have changed her mind anyway." He shrugged his shoulders.

Morgan snickered, "All you've got to do is tell them they're beautiful and make sure they know you really mean it."

I tried to hold my laugh in but I wasn't totally successful, "That's just old-school." I smirked.

He raised his eyebrows but he knew not to say anything. We already agreed that the team wouldn't know and that it was only a one-time thing. I wouldn't have minded a two-time, maybe even a three, or maybe, just maybe, even a regular occurrence.

"So what did you two do last night?" JJ asked curiously, not suspecting anything at all. None of them were. I wouldn't have either.

"Oh, we just watched a movie." I nodded.

"What movie?" Rossi asked.

"Uh…what movie was it again?" I turned to Morgan for help.

"Fifty shades of grey." He smirked.

I smirked at him and shook my head, "It was not. It was something stupid that we didn't really watch. We kind of just talked with it in the background."

"What did you talk about?" Garcia asked. I think she was more suspicious than the others. That was new.

I shook my head, "Nothing important."

"We just had a bit of fun." Morgan nodded.

"Sexual fun?" Garcia wriggled her eyebrows.

I rolled my eyebrows, "No, Garcia. It's _Morgan_ …" I glanced at him and his smirk faltered slightly. My tone was somewhat disgusted when I said his name but I did that for the lie. I hoped he didn't think I was being serious.

* * *

We went to bed late after having a few drinks. I sat on the blankets for a good half hour once everyone else had gone to sleep too. I heard quiet footsteps out in the hall and I was about to get up to see who it was before my door opened. I held my breath with the slight fear of it being a criminal, but my lamp was on and I saw Morgan walk in and close the door behind him as he smiled at me.

"What are you doing?" I whispered.

"Did you really want it to just be one night?" He asked just as quiet, walking over to me. I answered him by springing up onto my knees on the bed and crashing my lips against his. He kissed me back a few times before pulling away. He walked back to the door quickly and locked it.

"Ooo, I'm not allowed to lock that. It's on you if Rossi finds out." I smirked.

"I'd rather get in trouble than be seen…"

"I'm not sure if I should be offended or not."

"Not." He said before pushing me backwards gently. I fell onto my back, my head on the pillow. "Now, are you sure that you want to do this again?"

"Do you always ask your women this often or just me because you know what happened to me? You have no idea what those one-night-stands that never got a call back had gone through previously."

"Okay, no need to get defensive." He shook his head and kissed across my knuckles of my left hand.

He stroked lightly and horizontally across my stomach just above the waist band of my shorts. I sucked my stomach in instinctively, the slight sensation tickling me and making me smile. He moved up and pulled my shirt off before kissing down my neck and to my chest. He kept moving downwards, trailing kisses, slowing down at my stomach to tease me more before pulling the shorts down unhurriedly and continuing to his destination. I gripped the sheets and desperately tried to keep the sounds in. I hoped I was successful in that because Rossi was only in the next room and that would not be a comfortable conversation. I wouldn't even be able to look at him, let alone speak to him.

I flipped us over when he was done his part and sat with a leg either side of his hips. I took his shirt off and bit my lip as I traced his muscles and he smiled, "They're just lines…"

I leant over and held my mouth centimetres from his, our lips almost touching, "Let me enjoy this." I grazed my lips over his before pulling them back, torturing him as I moved down his body slowly.

"Oh god." He breathed, putting his right hand over his face as he tried not to interrupt my path.

"Shh." I said quietly as I got to where I was aiming to be.

* * *

I woke up in the late morning. I heard Jack and Henry running around and JJ trying to quiet them down. Then I heard Garcia and Reid's voices. I slipped out from under Derek's arm. He was still fast asleep. I threw my shirt and shorts on quickly. I walked to the door and opened it, poking my head out so they wouldn't see in. Garcia, Reid and JJ were standing at the railing across the top floor where the staircase met it to the left of my room. "What are you guys doing?"

"Do you know where Morgan is?" JJ asked.

I shook my head. "Why would I know where Morgan is? I just woke up."

"Well did he say anything to you last night about leaving?" Garcia asked.

"No…did you try his cell? Maybe he went home?"

"His cell is in his room." Reid said.

"Well I don't know but can you please move yourselves and your children downstairs so I can go back to sleep?"

"Bad morning?"

"No, just tired."

"What is going on up here?" Will asked as he reached the top of the staircase. He walked over to JJ's side and put his arms around her waist lovingly. She smiled and turned her head, kissing him once. Hotch and Rossi walked up and looked at us all questioningly.

Jack and Henry were already upstairs and Henry ran right passed me and into the room, "Henry!" I put my arm out and stopped him before he got further into the room and guided him back out.

"I told you—"

"Shh-ut up." I cut Morgan off quietly as their eyes all widened.

"What? Why is he with you and why did you lie about it?" Garcia asked, a large grin forming on her face.

"Henry." I tried to stop him again but he got passed me this time.

"Why are you in Emily's room?" I heard him ask Morgan.

"Because she texted me an hour ago and wanted company." He lied.

"Henry, come on. Out." JJ said to him. He jumped off the bed and walked back into the hall.

"Why did you call Morgan and not Garcia or me?" JJ asked suspiciously.

"Because you were with Will and I thought Garcia would still be asleep after the amount she drank last night.

"Why'd you lie?" Garcia asked again.

"Because I didn't want this to happen."

"What to happen?" Reid asked.

"This." I motioned to them. "You all think we slept together."

"No judgment." JJ said, "But did you?"

I gave her an obvious look, "No, Jayje; we didn't." I made myself sound as confident as possible; it always made it more believable if you used confidence.

"Okay." She nodded. They all seemed to believe me fairly easily. They walked away from the door and I closed it, turning back to Derek.

"Well fuck."

"They probably heard you last night anyway." He smirked. He made an 'O' after seeing my glare and laughed before getting up. He walked over to me and slung his arms around my waist. He kissed up my neck and I smiled. He took a deep breath in as he nuzzled my neck before sucking lightly.

"No." I pulled away with a smile, "You are not giving me a hickey."

"…You already have one…sorry."

"What?" I walked to the mirror, "Oh my god…that was visible to all of them…"

"Yes, yes it was." He laughed.

"Why didn't you tell me!?" I hit his arm. It wasn't hard but it wasn't playful. It wouldn't have hurt.

He took a step and put his arms around my waist from behind this time, kissing my shoulder where my shirt had slipped slightly. "It didn't even take long to bruise…" He said quietly before kissing my again.

"That's because I'm skin and bone." I turned in his arms and planted a quick kiss on his lips, "I'm going to shower."

He groaned and dropped his head. I smiled and shook him off. "I guess I'll go to my room then."

* * *

"Hello, my loves." Garcia smiled.

"Hi. I think I'm hungover and I don't know how because I didn't even drink that much."

"Because your stomach was empty?" Reid suggested quietly.

I shrugged my shoulders and sat down. JJ walked in with two coffees and gave one to Derek and put the other on the table in front of me. "Boys, go outside." She said to Henry and Jack.

"Okay." They both said, happy to be going out where they had more room. They ran out to the backyard and left Derek and I with a staring team.

"So seriously, did you sleep together?" Garcia asked.

"No." Derek and I said in unison.

"Why not?" JJ asked.

"Oh my god." I rolled my eyes, "Why would we?"

"Why's there a hickey on your neck?" Reid asked.

"How do you even know what a hickey looks like? And it's just a bruise, not a hickey."

"She might be sexually frustrated but I don't think either of us would choose the other to fix that…" Derek lied. Or maybe he wouldn't choose me at all and just thought he was doing me a favour.

"I am not sexually frustrated." I threw a cushion at him. He caught it, of course. "Ow…" I said quietly. It hurt my shoulder.

"You're really out of shape." He tried not to laugh. It changed the subject, thankfully. I wasn't very good at lying when it was ongoing.

"I'm not allowed to do anything! Rossi doesn't let me go and do anything that's physically active anymore."

Derek looked at Rossi and raised his eyebrows.

"What? I'd rather she didn't pass out again. Look at her; she looks like she'll pass out just walking up the staircase." Rossi tried to defend himself.

I put my coffee down and stood up, walking out of the room quickly. Thanks Rossi; it wasn't like I was already self-conscious about it. Rossi stood and followed me, "Emily."

"Go fuck yourself." I spat as I walked up the staircase. The team would have heard that. It wasn't my proudest moment, speaking so wrongly to the man whom offered me more than he should have. His home, his support and love, his time. I should have just let the comment slide; I should have ignored it. Now I was going to be feeling overly guilty for hours, maybe even days. I went to my bedroom and locked the door, once again, going against his wishes, but I didn't want Derek to come in. It was just tempt me to sleep with him again and I was starting to think that the past two nights were mistakes. Big mistakes.

* * *

 **Hey guys! So lately I've been experiencing a lot of ridicule about my doings (writing so much fiction on Criminal Minds and Twilight, watching them so much, developing emotional attachments to the characters etc.) and I have considered possibly stopping it all. I fully intend on finishing this FF, but I'm not sure as to whether I'll continue on new stories afterwards or not. I might continue, I might decide to end this hobby; we'll see how it goes.**

 **Thank you to me regular readers, members of the site and guests. You all mean so much to me.**

 **-A xx**


	21. Chapter 21

**Merry Christmas Eve! (Well, it is in Australia). I'm not a fan of Christmas but apparently the rest of the world is so I just wanted to wish a very merry Christmas to you all now as I don't know if I'll have any time to update tomorrow on the day. You know, I have to communicate with my family (unfortunately) and babysit my niece all day. So have a great day!**

 **-A xx**

 **Prentiss**

I walked back downstairs and I knew they could visibly see that I had been crying. I walked to the door and grabbed my bag as I walked passed it.

"Where are you going?" Rossi asked.

"Out." I said coldly. I opened the door and walked out. I went to my car and heard someone run over.

"Hey, Em." Derek said softly. He reached me and I turned around, "He didn't mean to upset you."

"I don't care." I shook my head and turned back around, getting into my car. He ran around the other side and got in the passenger seat.

"Where are we going?"

"Derek—"

"You keep calling me Derek instead of Morgan now."

"Sorry…I don't mean it."

He shook his head, "I like it. Shows that you actually do like me."

"Okay, you can get out."

"I'm not getting out and I'm estimating another 10 seconds before Hotch or Rossi come out here so if you want to avoid an argument with them, I'd suggest you drive."

I looked at the house and sighed, pulling the car into drive and turning around the flowerbeds in the middle of the driveway and down the long drive entrance.

"Where are we going?" He asked again once I pulled onto the road.

I shook my head, "I don't know."

"Okay…how about you pull over and we talk instead of drive?" He suggested. I bit my lip and pulled over like I knew he was praying for me to do. "Thank you."

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked, pretending to be oblivious to the fact that he was going to talk about my weight or eating habits in one way or another.

"I think you know."

I sighed and sat back in the chair, "You know what's strange?"

"What?"

"That I didn't freak out. Not two nights ago, not last night and I was able to lie about it. Convincingly for a while, so it seems."

He smiled, "I don't think that's strange. I think that means that you're successfully putting it behind you and that you trust me. And since you trust me, maybe you can tell me why Rossi upset you so much."

I looked out the window so he couldn't see my face and eyes as they stung with tears. I blinked them away and took a deep breath.

"Look at me." He said. I didn't move so he held my chin gently between his thumb and index and turned my head back to him, "Emily. You can tell me and you know you can."

I smiled weakly and pulled his hand away from my chin. Instead of taking his hand back, he intertwined his fingers with mine and comfortingly moved his thumb and up and down the side of my hand, waiting for me to speak. "It upset me so much because every time Rossi speaks about it, it's like he had been waiting to bring it up again. He doesn't understand just how hard I'm trying and he waits for the opportunity to try and lecture me or talk down to me about it."

Derek shook his head, "That's just how you see it, but it isn't like that at all, princess. He doesn't like bringing it up, he doesn't like lecturing you about it or even talking to you about it because he knows that it hurts you. Rossi knows you're trying. We all do. He just gets a little frustrated when he tries to help and it doesn't work. He's run out of ideas as to what to do."

"Can I ask you something?"

He nodded in reply.

"Do you actually think I'm beautiful?"

"Stunningly." He answered easily with a small smile.

"So if I ever ended up being successful in my weight gain, you wouldn't think I was as beautiful as you say you do now."

He gave me an obvious look, "Emily, you're stunningly beautiful now. Words can't explain how beautiful you'll be when you get it back. You'll be a whole lot more than you are now. Please don't be offended by that because I just realised how rude it sounded."

I shook my head, "It's okay. I just don't know if I'll ever be capable of getting it back. I want to; I want to get better and be me again and go back to work but I'm running out of time and I don't think I can ever be that again."

He pulled me to him gently and pressed his lips against mine softly. I closed my eyes and savoured the moment. "You need to let everyone back in again because you've blocked us all back out. Once we know what we need to, we'll be able to help you."

"You all keep saying that but then no one, not even me, knows what to do."

"We'll figure it out. In the meantime, stop lying on that stupid board, see your therapist again and eat in small amounts until your body is used to the food again."

I smiled, "Thank you."

"Anytime, beautiful." He kissed me again, "Oh…sorry."

I shook my head, "No, it's okay. It's nice to hear it from someone else now that I'm not intimidated by you."

He smiled and lifted my hand to his lips, kissing along my knuckles. "Can we go back to Rossi's now?"

"Did they seem to believe us well enough?" I asked as I started the car again.

"...I don't think so. Do you want them to know?"

I looked at him and away from the road momentarily, "…Yes and no."

"Well I want them to know so we don't have to hide anything but I don't because I don't know if it's allowed, I don't want Rossi to kill me and I don't want them to question everything we do."

I nodded, "Yeah. Maybe we should keep it to ourselves for now."

He agreed and looked out the window for a short while. I pulled back up to Rossi's and we got out of the car, "Hey." He stopped me before I walked towards the house. I turned and waited for him to finish, "Come out tonight."

"Where to?"

"Dinner."

"…Derek…"

"You don't have to have much. Just a bit and then we can see a movie or dancing or something."

"Dancing? You want to go dancing?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Or not if you don't want to."

"I think you're assuming that I can dance."

"Hey, we've danced before." He said as he walked by my side towards the steps.

"Oh…" I laughed, "I cannot dance."

"Then we can see a movie or just walk around. You can vent to me about everything and I'll laugh at you when you do that irritated sigh and irritated laugh you do when you get really irritated about something."

"I don't know how many times you just said 'irritated' but it was too many."

"Did it irritate you?"

"Stop." I smiled and he opened the door.

"You do it, though. When you get _really_ annoyed and into what you're talking about or someone says something that you don't agree with."

"Like when you said we've danced before?"

"Yes, like you did then. It's hilarious when you're talking to someone who doesn't know about it and we all hear you. We always put on bets when we're on cases to see who you do it to first. Which one of us or if it'll be one of the local cops."

"You put bets on who will irritate me first?"

"Always." He smirked.

"…Well…not always. You can't really do it anymore." We reached the silent living room now. They would have been listening to us.

"Another few weeks." He shrugged his shoulders. "I always make good money off Hotch and Reid."

"Hotch?" I scoffed. I looked at me ex-boss, "You bet with them?"

He smirked, "It's fun."

I rolled my eyes and looked back at Derek, "Well don't get your hopes up. The next few weeks don't look very good to me."

"Hey, you did just agree to go out for dinner tonight, so…"

"I did not agree." I shook my head.

"Yes you did. You said 'sure Morgan, I will go out for dinner tonight'."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head as I put my bag back on the table.

"Come on. Yes or no?"

I looked at him and contemplated the night, "Are you going to shove food down my throat?"

"No." He shook his head, "You can eat as little or as much as you want, as long as you have something. Anything. Why? Do you like it rough?" He joked.

"You disgust me."

He smiled, "Is that a yes?"

"It is not a date."

"If I wanted to ask you on a date, Princess, I wouldn't have done it in front of the team."

"Bullshit you wouldn't. Your ego is just that big."

"Oh, stop with the teasing." He joked and laughed. "You hear that Rossi? She's going to eat something."

"Thank you." Rossi said in a relieved voice, "Take her out every night."

"I am doing this solely for the reason to see you lose your next bet on me."

"So you're planning on coming back to work?" He smiled.

"That was always the plan."

"Well it didn't seem to work for you previously…"

"I'm sorry; did you want me to leave again? What was that you told me in the car? 'Rossi knows you're trying. We all do'?"

He nodded, "He just gets frustrated."

"You're making me frustrated right now."

"So you know how Rossi feels, then."

"I have a gun."

"You shouldn't." Hotch interrupted before Derek could reply. My eyes widened and I looked at him. "Give it to me."

"…No."

"Prentiss—"

"Ah, I'm not your agent anymore. That means you're not my boss and I don't have to listen to you."

"Emily, give him the gun." JJ said.

"Oh no." Garcia said quietly.

"Wait, I thought you gave it to Strauss." Reid said.

"Strauss doesn't know she carried three. You have two, don't you?" Derek asked.

I bit my lip and looked around at them. Rossi stood up and approached me, "The one in your bag." He held his hand out.

"…I don't have one in my bag."

"Bullshit."

I grabbed my bag from the table behind me and walked around Rossi and out of the living room. I went upstairs and heard Hotch's footsteps follow me. I walked into my room and didn't bother trying to close the door. He'd just walk in anyway.

"Prentiss, I need you to give me both the guns. You can have them back when we trust you again."

I turned and looked at him as I shook my head, "No."

"Prentiss—"

"No, Hotch."

His face softened slightly, "Emily, I can't let you keep them."

"Well good luck finding them."

"One is in your bag and the other is taped under the bed."

"How the fuck did you get that?"

"When you said good luck finding them, you instinctively gripped your bag tighter and took half a step back towards the bed and put your foot up slightly behind you." He explained as he walked forwards and crouched to the ground. He took the gun from under the bed and stood back up, "Please?"

"Hotch, the gun in my bag is the only thing that makes me feel safe when I'm not here."

He sighed and looked away, "I can't let you have it."

"Then I'll just go and get another one. There are several gun stores around here."

"All of which check your history before issuing a gun. I'm telling you now; you would not be issued a gun."

"Flash my badge and I will be."

"You shouldn't even have that. I thought you gave it to Strauss."

"I said I forgot it and then I never went back to the precinct except for my appointments and she forgot about it anyway."

"Do not tell anyone that I left you with that gun. If Strauss finds out somehow or anyone outside of this team, you say I didn't know you had it."

I smiled, "Deal. Thank you."

"I hate letting you have it."

"Hotch, if I wanted to die right now, shooting myself would be a last resort. I could think of 20 different ways to kill myself that I would prefer over shooting."

"What are the 20 different ways?"

"Ah, I'm not telling." I smiled and tilted my head, "And you know why I'm not. I'd rather you didn't keep me locked in a room with nothing but a bed."

He sighed and turned, walking back out. I threw my bag on the bed and followed him.


	22. Chapter 22

**Prentiss**

"Don't you think you're a little dressed up for something that isn't supposed to be a date?" Rossi asked as I walked down the staircase. He and Hotch were in the living room, a glass of scotch in their hands.

I put my bag down and clipped my necklace on, "It's Morgan and it is not a date." I turned to look at them.

"Is he picking you up?" Hotch asked. I nodded in reply, "Then I think it's a date…"

"It is not! He doesn't really want me driving home drunk. Do you?"

"Please don't get drunk." Rossi said.

I scrunched my nose up, "I'm going to get drunk."

"Do not come home drunk." He said to me sternly.

"Sorry _dad_." I rolled my eyes, "Fine. I'll stay at a hotel."

"JJ's." He corrected. "I'm not home tonight."

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere that concerns you."

"Hey; I told you where I was going." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"No, I was in the room when you accepted the invitation."

"I told you the restaurant though." I pointed out.

"That was for your safety."

"How does telling you what restaurant we were going to benefit my safety?"

"If you don't come home then I know the first place to call."

"You just told me not to come home!" I tried not to laugh as the conversation got worse and more confusing. Derek knocked before long and I was relieved for the interruption. Hotch and Rossi were laughing as I shook my head and walked to the door. "You are my saviour."

He smiled, "I'll be a whole lot more."

"Hotch and Rossi are in the living room."

"Smooth." Rossi called to him. "Come here."

I rolled my eyes and stepped out of the way for him to walk in. He winked at me and walked to the living room. I was a step behind him and walked to my bag, making sure everything was in there and picking it up.

"Definitely a date." Rossi nodded.

"Mmhmm." Hotch hummed in agreement.

"Oh my god. No, it is not." My voice was showing my irritation now.

"Ooo, she's getting irritated." Rossi smirked.

"We're going now." I looked at Derek and motioned for him to walk out. He laughed to himself and said goodbye to Rossi and Hotch before walking towards the door.

"Don't get too caught up in your date…" Rossi called after me. I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"Not a date!" I stressed before closing the door behind me.

* * *

I woke up with light in my eyes and Derek's arm tucked around me tightly. It felt right, like this is where I belonged. I lay for a while with a small smile on my face and listened to Derek's steady and peaceful breathing before I realised where I was.

"Shit." I hissed and sat up. I woke Derek in the process and he groaned his complaint.

"No; lay back down."

"No, Derek. It's 8."

"So?" His voice was sleepy and extremely attractive. It was killing me.

"So Rossi is probably freaking out." I said as I looked around the room, "For god's sake, where is my bra!?"

He broke into laughter, "What a question."

"Where'd you throw it?"

"I don't remember, I was more caught up in the heat of the moment…"

I sighed and looked around again but couldn't see it anywhere.

"The living room. We started in the living room." He said before the knock on the door distracted me.

"Who is that?"

"I don't know. Go answer it."

"I don't have a bra." He threw his shirt at me. I rolled my eyes and threw it on. I walked downstairs quickly and opened the door to find the team on the other side, "Oh sweet mother of Jesus."

"Wow." JJ smirked, "Fancy seeing you here."

"Aren't we here to find her?" Reid asked.

"Yeah but we didn't expect to find her just woken up in Derek's shirt and answering his door." Garcia grinned.

"Well this is uncomfortable." Rossi said quietly.

"Oh, tell me about it." I bit my lip. I moved and motioned for them to come in. JJ and Garcia were intrigued and excited. The other three just looked uncomfortable as they entered. "So I'm just going to get changed…" I saw my bra on the floor and my eyes widened.

JJ followed my eyes and broke into laughter.

"I think I'm going to cry." I said to myself as I walked quickly and scooped it up as I went, "Derek! Get up!"

"Who was it?" He called down as I made my way up the hall.

"I swear to god if you do not get up in three seconds I'm going to—oh god. Put pants on." I finished as I opened the door and saw him stand up.

"Who was it?"

"It's the team. They saw me in your shirt and nothing else. They're waiting in the living room so put clothes on and go make up some excuse."

"Well they know now…"

"Lie. Now. Go. JJ saw my bra on the ground behind Hotch. Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is?"

"You know we can hear you, right?" JJ called up the hall.

I groaned, "Kill myself. Go!" I pushed Derek to the door.

He laughed, "Alright, calm down."

I took a few breaths to calm myself down and got changed quickly. I combed my fingers through my hair to try and neaten it and walked to where the team sat in silence. I looked over them as JJ smirked at me and I cleared my throat awkwardly.

Derek tried to hold his laughter in but was not successful, "I've never seen you so embarrassed. You've gone red."

"I don't think anything like this has ever happened to me before…" I said quietly as I sat down beside Derek.

"You're devastated that we know." Garcia had been grinning since I opened the door.

"You lied to me." Rossi raised his eyebrows at me.

I dropped my head into my hands, "I know. I'm sorry."

"You lied too." Garcia said to Derek.

"That was under her orders." He pointed to me.

"Oh, it was not!" I laughed humourlessly, "We agreed."

He shook his head, "I agreed because that's how you wanted it and I didn't want to argue with you."

"Bullshit. You told me your reasons before I did."

"Look, I wasn't the one freaking out that Rossi would hear you."

"Oh my god. I am begging you to stop talking."

"Alright, fine. You do all the talking."

"Nope. Your house." I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I made 7 cups of coffee and made two trips to bring them all out.

"So when it comes to talking, it's my house, but when it comes to coffee, it's yours?." Derek joked with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes, "I didn't see you offering anyone coffee. Not even me. _Me._ I am like the queen of coffee and you know that but you still didn't offer it to me. Coffee is like—"

"Stop." He cut me off, "You're babbling to stall what is to come."

"I am." I nodded.

"So it _was_ a date." Hotch said quietly, glancing at Rossi.

* * *

I was all smiles throughout the day after the awkward conversation this morning. I don't think a single negative thought crossed my mind; something different these days. We went out for dinner tonight with the team, Will included, and I quietened down from my day of a good mood once the menus were given to us. They were all laughing and talking and I had stopped, smiling every so often but mostly keeping to myself.

"Are you going to at least open the menu?" Derek asked me quietly as not to draw attention. He failed. I looked around at the eyes on me and cleared my throat quietly before flashing a small, awkward smile and opening it. "Thank you."

"Thanks for not making that subtle at all…" I said to him cynically.

"You know Morgan, always out there." JJ teased. I smiled and pretended to read the menu as everyone else did.

I ended up unwillingly getting a salad but I didn't even order it. When the team was distracted by their own conversations, Derek asked what I was getting to confirm that I was planning on something. Then he noticed how anxious I got when the waiter came over and he ordered it for me.

After eating, Derek stood to go to the bathroom and I was left with a silent team watching me. "What?" I finally asked.

"You're so happy today. You ate…almost willingly." Rossi said. I nodded, not knowing how to reply to that.

"Who would have thought that Emily Prentiss would fall in love with Derek Morgan?" Garcia asked, looking away to make it dramatic.

"Uh…no. One date. That was it." I shook my head, "That is not falling in love, Pen."

"But he makes you happier than I have ever seen." She said, smiling in adoration.

Derek returned quickly and I visibly relaxed, "You couldn't have come back 10 seconds ago?" I asked.

He sat and looked around the table, "What'd you do?" He asked them.

"Well Rossi brought up how happy she's been today and then Garcia mentioned—"

"Nothing. Garcia mentioned nothing." I cut JJ off and shot her a warning glare.

She raised her eyebrows, "A whole new meaning to 'if looks could kill'…"

"Are you keeping things from me?" Derek smirked.

"No." I shook my head.

"Liar." He rolled his eyes.

"I hate profilers." I smiled to myself.

"You _are_ a profiler."

"Not anymore." I reminded him.

"Give it a few weeks."

"Okay, change the subject." I shifted slightly in my seat.

"So the food here is great." Reid tried.

I groaned and dropped my head. "Can we go home yet?"

"My home or Morgan's?" Rossi asked with a smirk.

"I'd prefer my own home, to be honest." I lied. I didn't mind the company provided by Rossi when I was at his house and I would always enjoy being at Derek's more than my own.

"I thought you liked living with Rossi." JJ said.

"I like the _company_ and _attention_ I receive when living with Rossi."

"What kind of attention are you giving her?" Derek smirked at Rossi.

"That's sick." I shook my head.

"That's just you, Morgan." Garcia smirked.

"And change the subjects again, please." I said.


	23. Chapter 23

**Prentiss**

"You have got to be kidding me right now, Rossi!"

"I'm not. I don't want you out today. Can't you just stay here for one day?"

"I feel like a freaking teenager!"

"Emily, please?"

Hotch had come over this morning to spend today with Rossi. It was about a half hour before my scheduled time for lunch and I was about to go to Derek's house but apparently I wasn't allowed to leave. Was I 13 again?

"Why?"

"Because as much as you want to believe it, you're not better yet and you might not eat with Morgan and you might—"

"Who said Morgan?"

"You're _always_ with Morgan…" Hotch said.

"No I'm not. I wasn't with Morgan yesterday." I pointed out.

"You were on the phone with him all day because he was working and then going out of town…I don't understand why you don't just admit that you're dating."

"We're not dating." I shook my head, "We're just…really good friends."

"Friends with benefits?" Hotch asked.

"Please never say that again." I shook my head. My phone rang and I bit my lip, glancing at them.

"And it's him again." Rossi rolled his eyes.

I declined the call and sent a quick text, _"Hold on, I'm having a pointless argument with Rossi and Hotch."_

I looked back up and sat down, looking at Rossi, "Do you not like him?"

He raised his eyebrows, "Uh…I work with him. He's my friend?"

"So you just don't like him with _me_?" I looked between both of them.

"I did not say that." Rossi shook his head.

I looked at Hotch. "Did you want me input?" He asked.

"I would appreciate it, yes." I nodded.

"I like Morgan…"

"But what do you think of Morgan with me?"

"I think that you're every different people that may or may not work out."

"Comforting." I nodded.

"Well it wouldn't matter if you weren't dating…" A small smirk hung on his lips.

My phone buzzed and I looked at the text. _"I'm almost there. I assume Rossi isn't letting you out so I'm coming to you. Need to talk."_ My breath caught in my throat momentarily.

"You okay?" Rossi asked.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine." I put my phone back down. 'Need to talk' was never a good thing. "What if he comes here?"

Rossi rolled his eyes, "One day away from him. That is all I am asking."

"How about I spend tomorrow away from him? I'll spend tomorrow with you."

"I don't want you to spend tomorrow with me."

"Wow. Feeling the love."

"I'm not here tomorrow."

I smirked, "I'll not see him on Monday?"

Rossi closed his eyes, "I should make a rule that no male comes here when I'm not here."

"That didn't stop them before we found out…" Hotch said quietly.

"Uncomfortable…" I sang to myself. The knock on the door came to our attention before it opened on its own.

"Ah, he's already here." Rossi nodded.

I bit my lip, "That's what the text was…"

"Hey guys." Derek smiled as he walked into the living room, "Sorry to interrupt your "pointless argument" but I needed to talk to you." He said, looking at me.

"Oh no." I said quietly.

" _Pointless_ argument?" Rossi asked.

"Pointless." I nodded.

"It is not pointless. I just want you to get some…separation…"

I turned and looked at Derek, "You are who I am supposed to be separating from."

"Ah." Derek nodded.

"Rossi, I'm 36 years old."

"I thought you were 35…"

"Not helping at all." I shook my head, "But I'm offended and that is an argument for a different time."

"We are not arguing over your age."

"Okay." I held my hands up in surrender, "You win."

"Emily..." Derek said quietly. I looked over my shoulder at him and he motioned to the dining room.

"Right. Sorry." I stood and followed him into the dining.

* * *

"I—I don't know, Derek."

"Oh my god." He dropped his head in his arms, "This was a lot harder than I thought."

"What's wrong with what we have now?"

"Right now we're identifying each other as "friends" and even Hotch has gotten the "with benefits" part and I'm tired of making excuses."

"You know, I thought you were going to break my heart here or something. Leave me in tears with Rossi and Hotch. I had no idea you would ever bring this up."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because you're Derek. You never have real, serious relationships that go as long as even our thing has."

"It's been two weeks…"

"I am aware of how long it's been." I nodded. "But Derek, do you honestly think that you want to be with me?"

"Yes." He nodded. He answered quickly, easily with no hesitation and it made my heart flutter. "Come on, gorgeous. We're _already_ together; nothing is going to change except how we refer to each other when talking to people or introducing each other."

"How would introducing change?"

"Well I'd go from "Hey, this is Emily, my friend" to "Hey, this is my girlfriend Emily".

"You realise that this means we're dating."

"Yeah." He nodded.

"The team will know about everything. What we do together during the day, the girls sometimes at night…our arguments and our best days where we agree on everything and are just the happiest people in Virginia."

"In Virginia?"

"There are happier, richer people out there." I nodded. He laughed at me. "I wish I was rich."

"She's a gold digger, gold digger." He sung quietly. I laughed with him before looking down in thought.

I looked into his eyes for a few seconds before nodding, "Okay, yeah; but if you break my heart, you will quite possibly be kicked off your team."

" _Our_ team," He corrected, "And great; that was the answer I was hoping for." He smiled.

"Why'd you have to ruin it like that?"

"Like what?"

" _Our team_. Derek, I'm not in it anymore."

"You will be."

I shook my head and closed my eyes, "I'm not—"

"Don't. You're not going to get better if you keep telling yourself that you're not. Now the whole team is waiting and watching and praying that you'll be cleared in two weeks before Hotch has to start looking and we want to help you and we want you to come back but for that to happen, you need to believe in yourself. It can't just be us hoping for it. You need to as well. You have gained some back and that is great, but it's not enough."

My eyes were tearing up.

"Why are you crying?"

I looked away from him and wiped my eyes, "I'm gaining so much weight."

"Okay, Emily. Look at me. I know that you hate yourself for it because you don't see what I see, but you're still too thin on an unhealthy level. I know it's hard and I know you're trying and I know you're somehow disappointed in yourself for gaining that back but you have to and you're looking better every day. You're starting to look like you again."

"Hey, we're going out for a second to get more scotch. You need to eat in 10. If you're not eating by the time we get back, Morgan leaves and you won't see him again for at least a week." Rossi said from the doorway.

I scoffed, "Harsh."

"Eat in 10." He repeated before walking away. I heard him leave with Hotch.

"How long do you think they'll be?" I asked.

"No. Emily, you need to talk about this."

"No I don't."

"Have you gone to your therapist this week?"

I sighed, "I skipped this week's appointment."

"Why?"

"Because I did." I stood up and walked to the fridge. I started to get products out to make a salad, "Are you hungry? I don't care; I'm making you some anyway."

He stood and slid his arms around my waist, "Hey princess? I don't want to argue with you but please know that you are important and I want you to go to the next appointment. Don't skip it unless you're physically dying. In that case, call 911." He kissed my temple, "Now let me make it. Have more coffee and sit down."

He was always a better cook than me, even when making a salad, so I obeyed his command. I made more coffee and gave him a cup before sitting down with mine. I changed the subject and he made it humorous like he was always able to do. I smiled and laughed a lot all through his preparation and when we ate. Rossi had come back after we started eating and peeked in, smiling at the sight and walking out with his scotch. He and Hotch were laughing in the living room too. I realised that if I could hear some of their conversation, they could hear ours, especially when they went quiet.

* * *

It was safe to say that it was a pleasant afternoon and evening and Derek and Hotch both ended up staying for dinner too. Hotch was in a really good mood, too. Smiling and laughing like he rarely did. It was a nice change.

"Hotch was all smiling and laughing today. It was a nice change." I said to Rossi. We were sitting in the living room with a movie on in the background that we weren't watching.

"Hotch was smiling and laughing because you were smiling and laughing and it made him see a lot of improvement in you. _That_ was a nice change."

I looked down and spoke quieter, "Why do you always have to bring it back around to me? I know that you're disappointed in me and my failure to get better how you wanted but I'm trying, Rossi. I really am."

He shook his head, "I'm not disappointed at all. I know you're trying, hun. I'm really proud of you for it, too. It came back around to you because you were the reason for his happiness today."

"Well, the scotch might have helped…" I smirked.

He laughed, "Yes, the scotch did, but we're _all_ proud of you, Em. More than you know."

I smiled and stood up. "Thanks. I'm going to bed." I kissed his cheek, "Love you."

"You too. Call me if you need anything or your phone dies and you want mine to call Morgan back."

"Funny." I rolled my eyes as I walked out, "Night."

"Goodnight."

"Oh!" I stopped and took a step back into the living room, "I figured you'd want to know first. Derek and I are dating. Officially. Goodnight." I ran out before he could reply but the smile that formed on his lips said it all. He was happy with that.

I closed the door to my room and dialled Derek's number.


	24. Chapter 24

**Prentiss**

My hour long therapist appointment followed by a two hour conversation with my therapist, Strauss and the director combined had completely drained my energy. I sat with my head on the desk for another hour as Strauss and my therapist talked privately to Hotch for a half hour and then another half hour with the rest of the team.

"Welcome back!" Garcia sang excitedly as she walked down the catwalk stairs and to my desk. Her phone buzzed, "And I'll come back." She changed her course from me to her office and I stood up.

I smiled at Hotch as he walked over, "Thank you. You have _no_ idea how much I needed this."

He smiled, "I've said it before. You are and always will be on our team. Just please do what you did last time and come to me if you have a bad day?"

"Done." I smiled. "Thanks."

He nodded and walked towards Garcia's office. JJ hugged me, Reid hugged me, Rossi hugged me and Derek spun my around and planted a quick kiss on my lips. "Told you."

"Okay, you were right." I rolled my eyes.

"Sorry to break the cute thing you've got going here but it's 12:30 and you're still on a schedule." Rossi said.

"Uh, change the schedule." Garcia said as she walked passed with Hotch a step behind, "Round table."

I smirked at Rossi and walked with Derek as he pulled gently on my hand. We went to the room, the others following behind us.

"What a case to return to…" Garcia said quietly, glancing at me.

"Let me guess. Kidnaps and rapes women."

"Middle aged brunettes." JJ said as she looked at the file, "Magnificent."

I sat down without reacting like I knew they waited for me to do, "So, where are we going?"

Garcia cleared her throat and looked at Hotch. "It's local." He said quietly. They all stared at me.

"Oh my god. Guys; I wouldn't have been approved to work if I was still affected."

"Yes, but it wouldn't be the first time you lied to your therapist…" Rossi said.

"Have I not gained weight?"

"You have."

"More weight than I should have. So much that I feel unhealthy and I'm disgusted with myself. I don't feel uncomfortable around unknown men unless of course they're being creepy. You know when they look at you with those—"

"Okay, we believe you." Derek cut me off with a nod.

"Garcia." Hotch motioned for her to start presenting the case.

* * *

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Paul asked. He was our guilty suspect, although he wasn't cracking yet. We were almost certain it was him, though.

"I'm waiting for you to tell me the truth." I had a headache and the interrogation room was not helping.

"You know, your hair really just…looks magnificent."

"Thank you." I said politely with a small, obvious fake smile.

"And your eyes. They're very dark. You know what they say; your eyes are windows to your soul. You've had a bad past."

"My eyes have been the same since the day I was born. I don't think my soul was always that dark."

"What do you weigh?" He leant forwards.

I raised my eyebrows, "Confessions please." I slid the notepad and pen towards him.

"You look very…healthy."

I leant towards him slightly. I tried not to let him agitate me but he was breaking through my temper. "And what is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't mean to offend, but you don't look as thin as I would expect for an agent."

"You know what I think? I think you did mean to offend because you're trying to throw me off enough to stall our little conversation here _just_ enough for the time for us to hold you here is up. Well I have news for you; I've been to hell and back several times over the past 6 months and I have very low tolerance because of it. If you don't confess, I'm just going to find something new to pin you with and die before you get out of here so how about you pick up that pen there and start writing who, when and how you killed those women in extreme detail."

"You're good, but I'm not expecting to stall you for another 40 hours."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

"The next girl to starve. She doesn't have long."

"Oh yeah? What's her name?"

"I couldn't tell you that."

"Is she pretty?" He nodded, "Brunette?"

"I wish I saw you first." He smirked at me.

"Okay." I sighed and closed the file over before standing up.

"Wait, don't leave. We're not done."

"Oh, we really are."

"Don't you want to know where she is?"

"Where who is?"

"The girl I have who is going to starve soon."

I smiled and leant on the desk towards him, "You don't have another victim. Nothing in your profile says anything about escalation and it is way too early for you to abduct again. Confess or I'm sending the blonde in."

"Sit."

"No."

He sat back, "Fine. Only because you're beautiful and brunette and I would to—"

The door opened and he stopped. Derek walked in with furious eyes, "Hit on her one more time and I will break your jaw."

"Derek…" I hushed through closed teeth.

"Out." He said to me, motioning to the door. I click my tongue and walked out quickly. Derek closed the door behind me and it was like we swapped places. I stood beside Hotch, JJ and Rossi on the other side of him and Derek was sitting in the seat.

I watched and listened silently, ignoring the occasional question thrown my way or the three sets of eyes on me. Derek couldn't crack him and I dropped my file to the table in front of me indignantly. "Damn it!" I glanced beside me and took a second look as their eyes were on me again, "What?"

"Angry?" JJ asked rhetorically.

"We'll get him, Em." Rossi assured. I turned as Derek walked in.

"What the hell was that?"

"What?"

"You know I had him, Morgan." I never called him Morgan anymore. It was always Derek now, so this made it very clear that I was furious.

"Hey, I cross—"

"Shh." I hissed at Reid. "Why'd you interrupt when I was clearly so close to cracking him?"

"He was hitting on you and speaking so disgustingly!"

"So jealously is what you act on now? We can't be in a relationship if it's going to affect you enough to potentially ruin our chances of finishing this!"

"Put a wig on JJ." He said. "Reid's brunette. Throw him in. Or Hotch."

I shook my head and walked passed him.

"Prentiss—" Hotch tried to stop me but I was already through the door and closing it.

"So I take it that's the boyfriend." Paul smirked.

I walked over and slid the paper back to him, "Details. Now."

He sighed, "I'm tired."

"Then write it down and I will send you to your new bed."

He nodded and picked up the pen, "I give up. You win. Tell your boyfriend he doesn't scare me. Your boss and father on the other hand, now they are intimidating."

"Don't leave anything out."

He started writing and stopped a few lines in. "What's the time?"

"I'll tell you when you're done."

He shook his head and continued.

* * *

The case felt longer than it was and so did his confession. We were finally on our way back to the precinct in and I was still freaking out. After he wrote the confession, he started talking to me intensely and intimidatingly, subtly threatening me without doing outright and it brought back a lot of suppressed memories that I never wanted to remember again. I had been playing with a coin for about ten minutes straight, tapping it against the armrest and turning it around where is occasionally hit the ring on my index finger. Rossi looked over his shoulder and finally snatched it from my hand, "I beg of you to stop."

"Sorry…" I said quietly.

"So what's on your mind?" He asked. I had been with him long enough that he knew when something was bothering me, when I was bored and when I was happy. He always knew when I was lying, even on my best days, and I didn't even think of lying to him anymore anyway and the same vice versa.

I looked at him and thought about how to start, "He threatened me."

"He isn't getting out." Hotch assured from Rossi's side behind the wheel.

"Hey Jayje?" She was on the phone, connecting both her and Reid with us.

"Yes?"

"What do you weigh?"

"I'm not answering that." She said awkwardly, "So Reid; what are you doing over the weekend?"

I sighed and bit my lip as I looked out the window and picked at my nail.

"No." Rossi said.

I looked up, "What?"

"Do not even think about losing weight. You've made such good progress."

"But he said—"

"He's a criminal who was trying to get under your skin to distract and you throw you off your goal that he knew you were going to achieve. Apparently it worked." Derek said from my side.

"Prentiss, I don't want to have to make you go back to your therapist." Hotch said.

I looked at Rossi, "Five pounds."

"No." Rossi shook his head.

I groaned, "Whatever."

"I know something that's going to cheer you right up." I could hear the smirk in JJ's voice as we pulled into the lot.

"Oh, good luck. I haven't slept in two days and I was just threatened by someone who could do the same amount of damage as those other two guys."

She paused momentarily before speaking to Reid, "Do I tell her now or make her wait?"

"Garcia would never forgive you." He said to her, "I'd say wait."

"Okay, so _we_ , all of us, have something that will cheer you up but I can't tell you until we're inside so don't leave straight away."

"Well now I'm just curious."

"See you in there." She hung up the call and I unclicked the seat belt and slid out of the car. Derek took my bag as well as his and I walked to JJ.

"Tell me."

"Wait 5 minutes." She smiled and grabbed her bag. Hotch took it from her and walked inside a step in front of us. "Thanks." She said to him as we followed.

"Ah! My furry friends!" Garcia said excitedly as we walked out of the elevator.

"Drug test." Hotch reminded himself quietly as he walked passed.

"Okay, tell me now?" I asked JJ.

"To the desks." She said as she walked through. Garcia jumped up and down excitedly and walked at JJ's side. Reid caught up to them and left Derek, Rossi and I.

"Do you two know what this is about?"

They looked at each other and walked towards the doors, not replying. Derek held the door open for Rossi and then motioned for me to walk through. I walked by his side to our desks and he dropped our bags before turning me around to face away from my desk. "Wait five seconds." He said as he glanced at Garcia.

I waited five seconds before he let me turn back and I saw the open velvet coated box on my desk. I smiled, "What is that?"

Garcia and JJ were elated, "Look at it." JJ encouraged with a nod. I lifted the box and observed the bracelet. It was silver and beautiful. There were six charms on it. The letters H, R, J, G, M, S were on the small box like gems.

My eyes widened and tears stung my eyes.

"Hotch, Rossi, JJ, myself, Morgan and Spencer." Garcia smiled, "It would have been an R for Reid but I already had Rossi's and I didn't want two R's so you got an S but it still means the same thing."

I looked up as a tear rolled down my cheek, "It's beautiful. Thank you, guys." I hugged Garcia first, then JJ, Reid, Hotch, Rossi and my boyfriend. JJ clipped it around my left wrist and smiled.

"The point was so you knew that we were always with you to accompany, protect etcetera. Just, always there." Reid smiled.

"And it's waterproof and every kind of proof you can think of so you never have to take it off but it's insured if it happens to get stolen, broken or lost." Garcia nodded, "I picked it up yesterday when you were out catching the bag guy."

I dropped my head lower as I looked at it to hide the tears that were increasing. I couldn't believe they would do this for me. It was by far the most important thing I owned already.

"Do you like it?" JJ asked.

"I love it. Actually, love is an understatement."

"Well we're going out tonight so get your party boots on." Garcia said, "We need to celebrate your return so stop crying."

I smiled and wiped the tears from my cheeks, "Name the time and place."


	25. Chapter 25

**Prentiss**

I had stayed at Derek's last night and woke up in silent tears from my dream of the news I had heard last night. I was able to stop them before Derek's alarm and got ready like nothing went wrong. I was smiling and talking like I did every morning and we went to work, taking a detour to get coffee for everyone on the way.

He put the coffees down on my desk and lifted Hotch and Rossi's.

"Ah." I took Hotch's, "I'll take it to him."

"…Okay. Why?"

"Just because." I shrugged my shoulders and waved to JJ, Reid and Garcia as they walked over. I picked up my coffee and kissed Derek's cheek before walking towards Hotch's office. The door opened before I knocked, "Something important to get to?"

"No." He shook his head.

"Then turn around." I motioned for him to go back into his office. He stepped back and closed the door behind me. I offered him his coffee.

"Thank you." He took it. "Something you want to talk about?"

I bit my lip, "You told me to come to you if I was…"

He nodded and walked to his seat behind his desk. "Sit." I stepped to the chairs across from him and sat in the one more to the left of the desk. "What happened?"

"You know last month, my first case back and that guy said a lot of things to me?"

"Ah…you heard."

"I wasn't aware that he was on death row."

"Neither was I until…last week."

"Last week? Why didn't you tell me? I only heard last night."

"I figured it would put you off. It obviously has."

I sighed and looked to the window where the team sat watching. They didn't even try to hide the fact that they were observing. "Why do I feel like that's my fault?"

"It isn't."

"But I _feel_ like it is."

"Well, maybe you should—" He stopped as a knock sounded on the door and opened. I turned to see Derek.

"Sorry…a letter just came for you. It was marked urgent." Derek gave me a questioning look.

I stood up and took it from him, "Thanks."

"Everything okay?" He asked.

"Bye."

He raised his eyebrows, "Okay then." I closed the door as he turned and I sat back down, looking back at Hotch.

"It's marked urgent." Hotch motioned to the envelope in my hand.

"But we're in the middle of a—okay, fine." I decided to let him win and open it now when his eyes turned forceful. I ripped it open and removed the folded piece of paper with 'Emily' written across it. I glanced at Hotch before unfolding it.

" _My dearest Emily,_

 _You are the reason I have been able to bear prison. The thought of you, your beautiful brown hair, your dark, sensual eyes; every part of you is stuck in my mind but I'm not complaining. If I saw you before my very first girl, I would have taken you instead without hesitation and I wouldn't have needed the others. You, my darling, are who I had been searching for. Perfect and beautiful and just…the one. If it's not too much to ask, I'd love to see your face before my demise. The 23_ _rd_ _of June is the date, 3 pm. You can bring your boyfriend, or your boss or father or the young one or the blonde. Whoever would enjoy my death more than you._

 _I hope to see you there on the big day._

 _Kind regards,_

 _Paul Greener._

It was short but it was enough to scare me. He was trapped in prison and going to die next week and he was still able to terrify me, even through a letter. My breath caught in my chest and my throat closed up. I couldn't bring myself to breathe or look up or say anything. I was completely stuck and felt extremely vulnerable. My breathing picked up suddenly and an anxiety attack overtook me and my control over myself diminished.

Hotch knew right away and he tried to calm me down without much success. He decided it was best to let me try and handle it on my own like I always wanted to do and he took the letter and asked me quietly if he could read it. I couldn't reply and he took that as yes.

I managed to calm myself down enough and Hotch was able to help me with the rest. "And the day just keeps on getting better." I said sarcastically, looking away from Hotch so he wouldn't see the tears on my cheeks as I wiped them away.

"You don't need to go." Hotch assured quietly.

I nodded, "I know, but I feel like I should."

He shook his head, "Do not go if it's going to bring something like this on again."

"But he wants me to."

"Prentiss, he is a murderer and he only wants you there to be sure that he'll haunt you for the rest of your life even after his death. He wants you to suffer because you caught him and you beat him down when the rest of us were somewhere else and you have similar features to the women he liked. He is doing this for his own enjoyment and not for anything positive towards you. He wants you to writhe."

I nodded, my eyes closed and my head hanging so he couldn't see my face. Silence fell momentarily as he profiled me.

"You're going." He concluded.

"I have to." I whispered as I looked up.

"Do you want someone to go with you?"

"Uh…" I would say Rossi. He was the best option, the best support I had. He knew me best; but he wouldn't want to go, "No, no I think I'll be okay."

He smiled, "Who do you want? I can ask them for you if you want."

I glanced out the window as they talked and still sat watching.

"Rossi." He nodded.

"How the hell did you—"

"I'll ask him for you and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to."

I smiled weakly, "Thanks Hotch."

He nodded and stood from my side where he had moved to in the mix of my anxiety. I stood up and took my empty coffee cup and walked out of his office. I walked to the desks where the other five stood and threw the cup in the trash can against the wall.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked as I walked to my desk and looked at them.

"I just had an anxiety attack in front of Hotch and it was extremely embarrassing but other than that, I'm magnificent."

"That was sarcastic, right?" Reid asked.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at Derek.

"What was the letter about?"

I tilted my head, "Wouldn't you like to know."

"Secrets." He shook his head.

"They are a fantastic thing…when coming from me. Do not start keeping secrets from me."

"That's just not fair." He gave me a grin of disbelief.

"Suck it up." I clicked my tongue and winked before sitting down and turning my chair to my desk.

An hour or two passed before Rossi walked over and stood beside my desk, leaning on it slightly, "Something you didn't want to ask me yourself?"

"Okay, to be fair—"

"Emily. It is not a good idea." He shook his head.

"Did you read the…"

He nodded, "You left it in Hotch's office."

"And that is where it will stay, or in the trash, either way I don't want to see it again."

"So you don't want to see the letter again but you want to see his—"

"Stop." I cut him off and looked over my shoulder. Derek, JJ and Reid were all listening.

"What letter?" JJ asked.

"You want to see who's what?" Reid asked.

"Emily…" Derek raised his eyebrows.

I looked back at Rossi, "Why you got to ruin my life like that, Rossi?"

"Your life was already ruined."

My lips formed a 'O', "Wow. Okay. Thank you so much for the outstanding support you've been showing me." Hotch left his office and walked down the steps, listening now, "You know what, Rossi? Don't worry about next week. I'll be fine on my own." I stood up and walked passed him.

"Paul Greener's death." Derek said to me before I got far enough away not to hear. I stopped and turned back around. "You're not going."

"I'm not your property. I will do as I please, thank you very much."

"You know how stupid this is, right?"

"This isn't up to you. This is between me and Greener and previously Rossi but not anymore."

"I didn't intend on offending you." Rossi lifted his hands in surrender, "Did you tell him I was your father or did he assume?" A small smirk formed on his face.

I rolled my eyes and walked to the break room. I poured coffee into a mug and sat down. They could all see me through the window but I pretended that they weren't there.

* * *

I sat in Rossi's living room with my team, Will, Jack and Henry. It was a regular thing to happen now, but it still felt new, special, important. My hand was linked with Derek's and my head rested on his shoulder. "Do you think I'm insane for going next week?" I asked quietly. The others fell silent and looked at Derek.

"Yes. Completely. You're letting him win, Emily." He replied. I unlinked my hand from his and lifted my head.

"I'm not doing it for him; I'm—"

"Yes you are." He cut me off. "You're going because he's about to put to his death and he wants you there so he can torture you. His last words will probably be directed at you. I don't understand why you're letting him do that and why you don't think that his death is justified. He raped and killed 4 women who all looked very similar to you and he did it very gruesomely."

"No one deserves—"

"Did Doyle? Did the two guys that kidnapped you, tortured and raped you? Did they deserve what they got? Because I think they did and you think they did and if those girls survived what he did to them, they would think he deserves it and I'm assuming their families do too."

"God, you're worse than Hotch."

"It's stupid."

"You already said that."

"Well you're not listening!"

"I am, Derek! Just because you or Hotch or anyone else doesn't agree with my decision, doesn't mean I'm going to change it!"

"Stop yelling." He said.

"You yelled first." I defended myself.

"Don't make me move you." Rossi said quietly.

I sat back and crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm still going."

Derek sighed agitatedly and looked away from me, biting his tongue.

"And I'm going to bed. Goodnight." I stood up and walked out of the room.

"Bed before 10. Nice." I heard Reid say.

"She's had a bad day." Hotch defended me easily.

I went upstairs and had a long shower before throwing a shirt and pair of fabric shorts. I turned the lamp beside the bed on and turned the ceiling light off before sliding underneath the sheets and picking up the book from beside me where Sergio was already laying. Once I settled and had turned a few pages, Sergio moved to my legs and lay up them, staying there even when I decided to go to sleep.


	26. Chapter 26

**Prentiss**

"Are you ready?" Rossi asked me quietly.

"No." I replied.

A few seconds passed before he spoke again, "Are you ready?"

"Yes."

He stepped forwards and opened the door for me. I walked through and we gave our guns to the man at the front desk. I turned my phone on silent and we followed a guard through a wing of the prison. There were one or two men in all of the cages, depending on which one, and they were all whistling and calling out to me. Rossi held me closer to him as a form of comfort and we finally got away from that walkway.

"Wasn't there another way?" Rossi asked the guard.

"Yes, but this saved me a check." He said casually. He stopped at a door, "In there. Enjoy the show."

I shook my head and walked in, Rossi a step behind me. I chose a random seat and sat down where I felt fit. It was the second row from the front, right in the middle, directly across from where he would be reclined to receive his injection.

A few minutes after we entered and sat in silence, the parents and siblings over 18 years of age of the victims came in. The mother of the third walked passed and laid a hand on my shoulder, "What a wonderful day to be alive." She said quietly before continuing.

My mouth dropped slightly in shock. I looked at Rossi and he knew the anxiety was rising. He took my hand and whispered to me quietly to calm me down.

Several minutes later, I heard a door on the other side of the glass open and Paul Greener walked through it. He looked straight to his audience and found me. He smiled wide and I squeezed Rossi's hands tighter, trying to keep myself together long enough for us to get out of here. They took their time strapping him in.

"Last words?" He was asked. The guard sounded bored and like he had been to millions of these.

Paul looked straight into my eyes, "Thank you for coming; now I can see you for the rest of eternity. I wish I had found you first. Don't dare to try to forget me because I'll always be with you."

I finally dropped my eyes as he stopped talking. It was like when you look a dog in the eyes and they look away because they're submissive, know who their master is and see it as a challenge. I had to look away because he was in charge right now. I realised now that I was here for him, not me. I was here because he wanted me to be. Derek was right.

"We shouldn't have come." I whispered to Rossi as Paul looked at the executioner holding the needle beside him. He didn't look away for long; his eyes returned to me in a second and I felt like he was staring into my soul. Or hell.

The lethal injection seemed to take forever to kill him. Tears dripped down my cheeks slowly and continued as we left the prison and still as we drove back towards home. It was a five hour drive and the tears stopped for a while but they started again.

"Home or the precinct?" Rossi asked me quietly, observing the third time I had broken into tears. "We both have today off, remember. I can come with you or I can go back to work. Whatever you want."

I nodded, "Home."

"Just you or do you want me to come?"

"Whatever you want."

"Emily." He rolled his eyes. I looked at him and hesitated. I didn't want to tell him to come home if he wanted to go to work or get away from me for a while. He looked at me and knew what I was thinking, apparently, "I don't mind either way. You want me to come?" A small, nervous smile formed on my lips and I nodded quickly. He smiled and took the next turn towards his house.

* * *

We watched a few movies and ate a lot of food until the others came over tonight after work. They all went home to change first and Derek was staying here tonight on Rossi's request that I don't leave tonight. I felt like a teenager, but I felt protected and important, so I didn't complain today, especially after what Rossi had done for me today. I had kept it together rather well for the last couple of hours. The team all got here at the same time, having caught lifts from each other and finally got the memo from Rossi that they didn't need to knock.

"Honey, I'm home." JJ called as she walked in, Jack and Henry running in front of her.

"Living room." Rossi called.

They walked in and greeted us in good moods. Derek came in last and greeted Rossi before looking at me. Just his eyes on me put me into tears. I stood up and ran into his arms. I buried my face into his chest as I sobbed and tried to muffle it from the rest of the team, failing completely. I apologised to him a thousand times.

He held me to him tightly and kissed my hair. What was happening to me? I was so weak and fragile all the time now. What happened to tough, happy Emily Prentiss? I needed to make up an alias just for my new personality.

"She's been like that since we got to the jail. She knew it was a mistake to be there as soon as she saw him and the tears started when he said his last words." Rossi explained quietly.

"What were the words?" Derek asked just as quiet.

I spoke before Rossi could, although my voice was shaky, "Thank you for coming; now I can see you for the rest of eternity. I wish I had found you first. Don't dare to try to forget me because I'll always be with you." I recited.

"But he's dead. How can he always be with you?" Garcia asked, "Sorry…" She added quieter as she realised how "he's dead" made me feel right now.

"He knows that she feels guilty and that those words will forever be replaying in her head. That's how he will always be with her." JJ said.

"Why is it always you?" Garcia asked quietly.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I'd rather it be me than anyone else." I stepped away from Derek and wiped the tears away.

"Imagine us replacing every victim out there…" Reid said quietly.

"We'd never survive with those traumas, one after another." JJ said.

"I'm barely even surviving now and I've only been a victim once. I don't even think that counts as being a victim, actually."

"Twice. That does count and so does what happened today." Derek said.

"No, today definitely doesn't count."

"Yes it does." Hotch agreed.

"He said a few words. He didn't kidnap me, rape me or murder me like he did with his victims."

"But this is a different form of victimisation." Reid said.

"This is a conversation I don't want to have right now." I looked around my team, "And I am going for a very short walk. I'll be back." I said as I walked towards the kitchen and dining where the backdoor was. Derek followed me.

He walked by my side, his hand linked in mine and we ended up sitting on the grass outside and talking. It started out with today. He asked for a replay of the day and he tried to make me feel better and then we moved onto a new topic. When that got boring, we moved to a new topic. It must have been an hour before Rossi called us in for dinner. He had ordered pizza and I was not in the mood to eat and I wasn't hungry but I had one slice for everyone else's sake.

"We should go out." JJ said.

"Henry and Jack are here." Will said.

JJ looked over her shoulder at them, "Oh yeah; I forgot."

"You forgot that your own son was here?" Rossi asked her.

She smiled guiltily, "Maybe…he's so quiet."

"It's okay, my mother always forgot about me and I turned out fine…oh wait…" I joked.

"Why are you not eating?" Derek asked me quietly as they continued talking.

"I did."

"You had one slice."

"So?"

He sighed, "Come on, Rossi's watching." He stood up and motioned for me to follow him.

"Ah, I'm going to go get yelled at. We'll be back." I said to the team as they looked at me. I turned and followed him towards the kitchen and dining. I walked to him standing by the counter island and waited for him to start.

"Why aren't you eating?"

"I had a slice. I'm not hungry, Derek, and I'm not lying to you. Rossi and I have been eating shit all day."

"He was just trying to get under your skin."

"What?"

"Paul Greener. You're not overweight."

"I know, honey." I smiled weakly.

"Do you? Because you have been starting to eat less since that case and it's worrying me and it's worrying Rossi and it's worrying Hotch and—"

"I get it! It's worrying everyone, but I don't know what you want me to do. Do you want me to have another slice and quite possibly throw up everywhere because I am telling you, my stomach is completely full."

"Emily, I won't say anything if you are, but please tell me if you're not eating again."

I groaned, "Derek, I am eating when I'm hungry."

"Promise me?"

"I promise that I am eating regularly." I said truthfully, "Sure, there a few times where I consider skipping a meal or a few days of meals but I don't because Rossi always knows anyway and I don't want to disappoint you or the rest of the team."

He nodded, "Okay."

"Thank you for your concern." I smiled and kissed him quickly before turning and walking back to the living room. He followed behind me and we sat back down.

"You didn't even try to keep it quiet in there." JJ said, "Normally you would."

"It wasn't that loud, was it?" I asked.

"Yes." She nodded.

"Hey, I noticed something today." Garcia said to us.

"What?" Derek asked, knowing that she wanted one of us to question what it is that she noticed.

"I've never heard either of you tell the other that you love them."

"Oh…" I said quietly, stuck on what to say.

"I don't think we've said it." Derek said as we looked at each other. I shook my head in agreement.

"Why not?"

I cleared my throat and looked down, hiding my awkward smile, "Garcia, it's not something you just say. Neither of us wants to be the next Rossi." I smirked at him.

He scoffed, "Harsh." He was drinking his scotch quickly, something he didn't do often. Had today affected him too?

"But you're perfect together…" Garcia said, putting her drink down for the first time.

"Can we please drop this subject?" I asked, desperation in my voice.

"Why?" JJ raised her eyebrows.

I sighed as I struggled to find a valid reason. I looked at Derek, "Help me out here?"

"She's scared of the commitment that comes with the 'L' word."

"Okay, that is not helpful and that is not true."

"It is." He nodded

"It is not." I looked at him with an offended look.

"You're getting defensive." Hotch said quietly.

"Change of subject please." I rolled my eyes.

"Have you ever told any male that you loved them?" JJ asked.

"That is not a different subject." I shook my head.

"Answer the question." Garcia said.

I thought about it and then I remembered that I had before, "Doyle…and I've told Rossi." I pointed to him.

"Ah, you have. You were, however, either blind drunk or crying all day and you didn't mean it the way they're referring to." He said.

"You're going to be blind drunk if you don't slow down. Chill." I said to him, motioning to his glass.

"Wow. You just said chill. You spend too much time with Morgan." Rossi said.

"You're avoiding the topic of your very fast drinking there."

"Yes, well you've avoided everything else. Tell me again why you haven't told Morgan that you love him? Do you _not_ love him? Because I feel like he—"

"Okay, you win. I won't bring it up again."

He raised his eyebrows at me with a small smirk and nodded before drinking back the half the glass he had left.

"Okay, that's not healthy."

"Is alcohol ever healthy?" He asked me, looking at his empty glass. "Who are you to give me a health lesson, anyway? You haven't eaten once today."

"Emily!" Derek stressed irritably.

My mouth dropped open, "No, I have." I said to Derek. I looked back at Rossi, "Stop trying to get me in trouble!"

He smiled, "She has eaten, Morgan."

"Thank you." I stared at him.

Rossi was very drunk by the end of the night and I actually had to put him to bed before going myself. Derek thought it was hilarious.


	27. Chapter 27

**Prentiss**

3 months had passed and it was happening again. My moods were switching by the second, I was emotional and always in a bad mood, I had been smiling less and less, my appetite was changing, I hated everything about myself, I was very irritable, I had little to no concentration, I couldn't sleep and no one had noticed anything. Or at least, no one had said anything.

I slid into my jacket and grabbed my keys.

"Hey." Rossi stopped me before I walked out. I stopped and took a silent, deep breath before turning and looking at him. "Are you okay?" He asked as I put his coat on and walked to me by the door.

"Yeah." I didn't look him in the eyes so I could lie successfully, for the most part, anyway.

"Can you at least look at me when you say that?"

I sighed and looked up, "I will be fine."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing serious. I'll get over it."

"Emily." He dropped his head to the side.

"I just got into a stupid argument with Derek last night. It's nothing." I lied. I hadn't talked to Derek last night. I ignored his calls and texts.

"No you didn't, because Derek texted me last night and asked if you were okay and when I asked why, he said you weren't answering anything."

"Can we talk about this later please? We're already late and I need to stop and get coffee for everyone."

He pondered this before sighing with a nod, "Fine, but if there is no case, you're telling me today."

"I'll meet you in your office."

"Okay." He nodded.

"Thank you." I sighed as I turned and opened the door.

I got in my car and pulled down the driveway before him. He drove behind me for a while until I turned off onto the shortcut to the coffee shop I always got our order from. They knew me and my car and always started making it before I even got inside. I turned the car off and sat in silence for a few minutes. I got out and walked inside, getting the money out of my wallet as the barista put the coffees on the counter. She even had letters on the coffees so I knew whose was whose.

"Record time." I forced a smile as I approached.

"Hey Em. We haven't seen you around here since last Monday." Georgia said.

"Yeah well, work is work. I'm late today, actually." I said as I handed her the money. "Thank you. Keep the change."

"Thanks. Have a nice day." She smiled.

"You too." I said as I turned and walked to the door.

I got back into the car and secured the coffees before driving to the precinct.

* * *

"Prentiss!" JJ, Reid and Garcia all said at the same time. I flicked my head up and looked at them.

"What?"

"Hotch has been trying to get your attention for a while now." Derek said.

"Oh…sorry." I looked at my boss.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I nodded.

"So what did you think?"

"About what?"

"Have you been listening to any of this?"

"Honestly? Not a word."

He glanced at Rossi before looking back at me, "Please go to my office and wait for me there?"

"Hotch, I'm okay."

"You've been like this for weeks. Now please."

I sighed and stood up, taking my coffee with me. I walked out of the room and around the catwalk to Hotch's office and walked in. I closed the door behind me and sat down across from where he was usually seated.

About 10 minutes passed before he walked in. He walked around his desk and sat down, looking at me and waiting for me to speak.

"I think you should repaint. The colour is fading."

"…It's yellow?"

"Yellow can fade."

"You're stalling the inevitable."

"I am." I nodded.

"So what's going wrong?"

"Nothing; I just woke up in a not so great mood."

"You've woken up in a not so great mood every day for the past month?"

"Well, yes…"

"Prentiss."

"I don't know. I'm sorry I can't give you a valid reason for whatever is going on with me but I have no idea what or why it is happening. I don't know when it started, if anything happened to start it, why I can't seem to concentrate for longer than 3 minutes at a time, why I can't sleep and why I can't stand a conversation with anyone because everything drives me insane!" I spoke very quickly and I don't think I took a breath. It was like a small, psychotic outburst.

"Okay, breathe." Hotch said calmly.

I took a deep breath and looked to my left, avoiding his eyes as tears filled mine. I blinked them away and bit my lip as I looked back at my boss. "Sorry."

"Do you need to take some time off?"

"No."

"I know you don't _want_ to, but do you _need_ to?"

"I'll be fine."

"Prentiss, please."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"I'm trying to make sure you're okay and not working while you're feeling unwell."

"I'm not feeling unwell…"

"Mentally, not physically."

"Hotch, don't do this again. Please don't make me leave." I shook my head.

"Stop begging me," He smirked, "I'm not forcing you out."

I took another breath to calm myself, "Thank you."

"Well, we have a case."

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"You really heard nothing." He shook his head, "Louisiana. Please try and stay focused. I'll leave you with the more…simple tasks."

"Thanks." I said quieter, nodding.

* * *

We got back to Virginia yesterday and I took today off work for personal reasons. I didn't tell Derek or Rossi, only Hotch, and he didn't know what the personal reasons were. I booked a therapist appointment and circled the area around the office a few times before I worked up the courage to pull up and go inside. I was five minutes early and contemplated leaving several times within those few minutes before it was too late and I was called into her room. It felt like it took forever but I was as nice as I could bring myself to be and told her I mightn't have time to come in often so she asked if we could cut straight to what was happening instead of starting with the "catching up" conversations; I had seen her before, before I was forced to see the BAU therapist. I agreed with her and she was much better at what she did than the therapist at the BAU.

I went to the park afterwards and circled it for two hours before going back to Rossi's, taking a very long shower, watching a movie and then reading on the couch until Rossi came home.

"Hey." He said as I heard the door open and close. He walked into the living room within seconds and loosened his tie, "And why didn't you tell me you were taking today off?"

"I didn't want to be questioned." I answered without looking up.

"So you're not in a social mood? Because the team will be here in about 10 minutes…"

I dropped my book down and stared at him, "Why does this happen so often now?"

"I'm being polite."

"Every night?"

"It's not every night." He shook his head, "Morgan was already coming, Henry and Jack are both at friend's houses, JJ and Garcia wanted to do something but they didn't want to go out without you but they were scared to ask you and Reid—"

"Wait. Scared to ask me?"

"Yes." He nodded. "You've been different lately and you had today off so I don't blame them."

I sighed and picked my book back up, "Whatever." My phone rang and I declined Derek's call. Rossi watched as I did and I saw his eyebrows rise out the corner of my eye.

"Okay, put the book down." He said as he sat at my feet. I pulled my legs up to give him some room and placed my bookmark in. I sat my book on the coffee table and looked at him.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing." I shook my head, "I was just reading my book."

"I meant over the past month."

"I know what you meant." I looked down.

"So tell me."

"I…It's happening again." Tears filled my eyes.

"What's happening again?" He was irritated with how reluctant I was to speak or how hard it was for me to tell him. I bit my lip. I didn't want to say it. If I spoke the words, it would become real and I would never escape it again. "Oh…" He caught on quickly, "Honey, why didn't you say something sooner?" He asked as I sat up. I don't know what came over me but I moved and hugged him. He held me comfortingly and kissed my hair like fathers always did.

"I'm scared." I sobbed.

"You're going to be okay, Em. I'll book you back in with the therapist."

"No." I pulled away and wiped the tears from my cheeks, "I went to someone else today. Someone who isn't a member of the BAU and won't tell anyone anything because I'm an adult and they don't need to make sure I'm not risking the lives of myself or others in my job."

"Did they ask for an emergency contact?"

"She asked for as many as I could give so I gave her your number and Hotch's number."

"Not Morgan's as well?"

I shook my head, "This is too much for him. He doesn't need to know."

"I think he does."

"No, because he will quite possibly leave me if he feels too much pressure."

"That isn't like Morgan at all and even if he did, then he wouldn't be worth your time anyway."

I nodded, "I'll consider saying something. Maybe I'll bring it up in a conversation and then quickly change the subject to something that will distract him. I'm going to get changed before they get here."

"If you don't want to see them, you can stay upstairs."

"No, it's okay." I smiled and kissed his cheek, "Thanks Rossi."


	28. Chapter 28

**Happy new year! It was new years eve last night (in Australia) so I'm sorry if there are lots of mistakes in this chapter...I'm kind of extremely hung over. I hope you all had a good 2016 and I hope your 2017 will be even better.**

 **-A xx**

 **Prentiss**

Three weeks passed and no one except Derek and Rossi knew of the therapist I was seeing twice a week. It all worked out and she was flexible so if I had a case, I could reschedule easily but today, my appointment was booked for a half hour after we got called to Michigan. "Wheels up in 20." Hotch finished our discussion in the round table room.

"Don't you have an appointment?" Derek asked me as we all stood up. They were all still in the room and heard that.

"Shut up." I said quickly as I gathered the files and walked out. I got my phone from my pocket and dialled Doctor Willis' number.

"Doctor Willis." She answered. She gave me her personal number for reschedules but she still answered with the same greeting.

"Hey, it's Emily Prentiss. I have to go away for work, Michigan, so I won't be able to make the appointment today. Sorry."

"Nonsense. It's completely fine. Would you like to reschedule now or when you get back?"

"Um…when I get back would be better. I don't know when I'll actually be back so I shouldn't plan now."

"Okay, that's not a problem. Call me if you need to."

"Thank you." I hung up and slid my phone back into my pocket.

"Who was that?" Reid asked from his desk. JJ and Derek were at theirs.

"Oh…uh…my mother."

"Your mother? You never talk to your mother. I thought she was in Amsterdam right now." JJ said.

"She is." I nodded.

"So why are you rescheduling an appointment for today with her?" JJ raised her eyebrows.

I looked at Derek and he gave me a sympathetic smile. I sighed, "It was my therapist."

"Your mother is your therapist?" Reid asked, "I didn't know she—"

"No, Reid. My mother was a cover." I smiled at him, "But thank you for believing me."

He smiled, "No problem. I always do."

"You're gullible." JJ laughed at him.

"I trust her." He said, not seeming amused by JJ's comment.

"Aw, well thanks Reid. You're the only one."

"So you're seeing a therapist again." JJ nodded, "Does Hotch know? Because I'm guessing it isn't the BAU one and that means that she doesn't have to say anything to Hotch and I don't think he'll like that."

"No, Hotch doesn't know." I shook my head, "And he won't know so shut your mouths."

"What are we shutting our mouths about?" Garcia asked from behind me.

I flicked around and knocked several things off my desk. "Nothing. We have nothing to shut our mouths about." I picked up the few things as the others tried not to laugh at me, "Shut up."

"What are you guys doing and why is all your stuff on the floor?" Rossi asked as he approached.

"Oh dear god save me."

"Does _he_ know?" JJ asked.

"Ah…I don't like being left out of things." Garcia said, raising her hand slightly, "So come on, someone speak up."

I looked at Rossi and he smiled at me, "Secret out?"

"Only to those two." I said, motioning to JJ and Reid.

"Someone tell me!" Garcia said louder.

"Oh my god! I'm seeing a therapist again! It's nothing! Don't tell Hotch."

"That is not nothing." Garcia said, "Are you okay?"

I groaned and dropped my head, "Please move her away from me."

"Okay, let's go to the plane." Derek said, walking over, kissing my cheek and then picking up my bag.

"It's tense over here…" I heard Hotch's voice. I looked up and sighed as I saw him. Someone was going to blow this for me.

"We should get going." JJ said, jumping down from her desk and grabbing her bag. Rossi took it from her and we walked out behind him quickly. Reid and Hotch followed us.

* * *

"So what was going on in the bullpen?" Hotch asked after we went over the case again with Garcia connected through the laptop. She had hung up now and doing whatever she did until we needed her.

I cleared my throat, "Nothing."

He raised his eyebrows at me and looked at Rossi, "Dave?"

"Don't." I snapped at Rossi as he went to speak.

"I don't keep secrets from Hotch."

"But this is my secret, not yours."

"Yes, but I know it."

"Well you wouldn't if you let me live by myself."

"Not this again." Rossi rolled his eyes.

"Every time you irritate me, I'm going to bring this same subject up."

"Not fair."

"Life isn't fair." I shook my head.

"Your life is extra unfair." JJ said to me.

"Wow. Low blow. Thanks Jayje." My phone rang before I could continue talking and I excused myself as I stood and walked to the opposite end of the plane. "Prentiss."

"Emily, it's Doctor Willis. I have something I need to ask you."

"Shoot."

"Now, I'm not trying to assume anything here, but last visit you seemed…not you and you rescheduled today…I was just wondering if you think I should possibly call Agent Rossi or Agent Hotchner."

"Oh… oh no. You do not need to call Rossi or Hotch, my god no. I'm great." I tried to convince her that it wasn't needed. My eyes widened as I realised how loud I was talking.

"Okay, okay, I was just concerned and I needed to check. I've seen things like this before."

"No, trust me, I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay, well I'll let you return to work then. Call me if you need me."

"Thank you. Bye." I hung up and bit my lip. I turned and looked at me staring team.

"Smooth." Derek spoke first, "Not suspicious at all."

"Was that your therapist?" Rossi asked.

"Therapist?" Hotch raised his eyebrows. He looked at me, "You're seeing a therapist and didn't tell me?"

I clicked my tongue and walked back to the table, sitting back beside Derek. I brushed my hair behind my ear and avoided all their eyes, "Long story."

"We've got a half hour." He said.

"Pushy." I raised my eyebrows.

"I have to be these days; you don't tell me anything."

"Okay, so it isn't that long…I just didn't want you to suspend me again."

"Should I suspend you?"

"No." I shook my head, "But I didn't want you getting in touch with my therapist and then finding something to suspend me for."

"I'm not going to go out of my way to suspend you, Prentiss. I _do_ like you on this team. There's something else you're not saying."

I glanced at Rossi and then to Derek before looking back at my boss, "No, that's it."

"Emily." Derek said quietly.

"Is this because of your small mental breakdown in my office a few weeks ago?" Hotch asked.

"Can we not talk about it right now, please?"

"Why not?" JJ asked.

"Because then this conversation will be distracting me and I won't be of much help in Michigan."

"But now you'll spend the whole time thinking of excuses rather than helping." Reid said.

"See? If no one brought it up, all would have been fine, but no, now I'm not going to be able to focus."

"Okay, breathe." Derek said to me quietly.

"Or you could have just told me and this still wouldn't have happened." Hotch said. "Why did she want to call me or Dave?"

"Uh…"

"You're her emergency contacts." Derek said.

"Why did she want to call your emergency contacts?" Rossi asked me suspiciously.

"Because I rescheduled today's appointment and she was concerned as to why. It's fine, she knows I'm working."

"Why isn't Morgan your emergency contact?" JJ asked.

"Because."

"Because she thinks it would be awkward if I was her emergency contact and we broke up. She was thinking very pessimistically at the time."

"I was put on the spot, okay? I figured I live with Rossi and Hotch is my boss so he should probably know if something is so important that my emergency contact needs to know."

"You know that the emergency contacts are for if your therapist thinks you're at risk of harming yourself, someone else of if they think you're suicidal." Reid said.

"Yes, I know Reid."

"So you giving her the numbers or Rossi and Hotch means that if that comes up, then you want them to know so that you'll have help."

"Okay, you are reading _way_ too much into this."

"But if that—"

"Conversation over." I cut JJ off. She snickered and opened the file again, glancing at me before finally looking down and reading again.

I sighed and looked at Derek. He smiled and kissed my cheek before getting his phone out of his pocket and unlocking it. "That went well."

I clicked my tongue and looked down at my own case file.

"Why do you do that?" Reid asked me.

I looked up, "What?"

"You click your tongue a lot but you never used to do it."

"…I didn't notice I was doing it."

"It's a tic." Rossi said, "And kind of a tell. She does it when she's irritated, uncomfortable or nervous."

I clicked it again as I raised my eyebrows and I noticed this time. Derek laughed quietly at my side, "You just did it again."

"Yeah, I noticed that time." I nodded, "God, that must get irritating. Sorry."

"Well it won't be so irritating now that we know why you do it." JJ said.

I clicked it again and groaned, "Why do you hate me, god?" They all laughed at me and I looked back down at the file, trying to distract myself.


	29. Chapter 29

**Prentiss**

"Derek, not here! Not now." I tried to calm him down. We had been arguing and yelling for a while now. We were in my room and the whole team, Will and the two boys included, were downstairs.

"Why not?"

"Because the whole team is downstairs and so are Jack and Henry!"

"Why do you always need to use all of them as an excuse for not talking to me!?"

"Why is this so important to you!?"

"Are you serious? Emily, this is important to me because I don't want something to happen to you."

"Nothing is happening to me." I rolled my eyes.

"No? Doctor Willis calling Rossi, Hotch and me didn't say something? I'm not even an emergency contact and she still called me."

"She took what I said wrong." We had calmed down a bit now.

"She thinks you're suicidal again."

"She's wrong."

"Emily."

"Derek."

"Emily!"

"What!? What do you want me to tell you, Derek!? I'm telling you that I am not going to kill myself but hey, if you want to think otherwise, then fine! You can go do that at your place because you're driving me insane!"

He shook his head and stormed out of the room. I ran after him as he walked downstairs quickly and grabbed his coat on the way through the living room. "Derek."

"Oh my god." He turned around, "What do you want from me!?"

"I want you to trust me!"

"Back at you!" He said aggressively and loudly in front of the team before turning and walking to the foyer. I heard the door open within a few seconds and his car start within a few more.

I took in an unsteady breathe and looked at the team, "Sorry." I said quietly.

"Are you okay?" JJ asked.

"I just got yelled at for answering that question."

"Do you want to get drunk?" Garcia asked, holding a glass of vodka to me.

I walked over and took it, "Always." I sat down beside Rossi and drank back the glass in one try. I made a disgusted face as it burned down my throat and I put the glass down. Garcia filled it back up and I thanked her quietly.

"So should we be worried and keeping an extra eye on you?" Rossi asked me.

I groaned and dropped my head, "Please, not again. I think I'm losing my voice."

"I'm not going to argue with you that loudly."

"Oh, just at a normal volume?" I asked him sarcastically.

"Honestly, are you okay?"

"I was before that." I motioned to the roof above us to refer to the argument.

I sighed and silence fell over the room. I drank the next glass of vodka before deciding that I felt too uncomfortable with all their eyes on me, observing and profiling, so I said goodnight and went to bed, _"Come tomorrow. I need to tell you something."_ I texted Derek.

" _Is it the truth?"_

" _It's everything. Goodnight xx."_

" _Call me if you can't sleep."_

Even when fighting, he was the sweetest guy I had ever had something this good with. I smiled to myself and plugged my phone into the charger. I pet Sergio a few times before getting changed, getting into bed and turning the lamp off. I stared at the darkness that was the roof for around four hours before I was finally able to fall asleep.

* * *

The team had stayed over last night after drinking too much to drive home and I woke up early, had a shower and sat in the living room by myself for an hour before Rossi came downstairs. "Wow. Why are you up already? It's only 7 on a Saturday."

I looked at him, "Derek's coming sometime today."

"So you got up at 6 to wait for him? I heard you up and walking around."

I gave him a guilty smile.

"Do you want to talk?"

I hesitated, "I want coffee…"

He smiled and motioned for me to follow him. I got up and sat at the counter island as he made coffee for the both of us and stood across from me, "Shoot."

"I miss him and I shouldn't. I've gone days, a week without seeing him. This is one night that I take away from him regularly but I miss him."

"Because you're fighting and you're mad and you know he's mad and you're on different pages."

I nodded, "And I lied."

"To who?"

"Everyone." I took the cup of coffee as he slid it towards me, "Thanks."

"What did you lie about?"

"You know." I gave him an obvious look, "Please don't make me spell it out for you."

He nodded, "Why didn't you just tell us the truth or tell us before we found out from Willis?"

"Because I was scared. I still am. I'm scared of myself and I'm scared of you and Hotch and Derek and the others. It's not all the time, it's just when I'm alone."

"When you're without Morgan or when you're alone all together?"

"All together. When Derek goes home and everyone else is at their home and I know you're asleep or busy doing something. That kind of alone."

"You can always wake me up or tell me to stop doing whatever I'm doing."

"You would be living your life doing absolutely nothing with no sleep."

"Maybe you should—" He stopped when we heard the doorbell. He smiled and nodded when I looked back at him, "Go."

I smiled and kissed his cheek before running to the foyer. I unlocked the door and threw myself into Derek once it opened. He put his arms around me but he didn't kiss my hair like he always did. I eventually stepped back and I pulled the front door closed, leaving us outside of it. I didn't want to be overheard right now.

"I lied to you." I said quietly, "I'm so sorry that I did but I was scared, Derek. But you help. Trust me, you really do. When you're around, I don't even think about it. It's just when I'm alone, by myself with no one around except Sergio. It's not as serious as last time."

"How is it not as serious?" He asked. His voice was tired and quiet.

"Because even if I want to, I won't leave you."

He sighed and looked away, "Emily—"

"I love you." I cut him off. He moved his eyes back to me with shock written across his face, "So damn much." I added.

A small smile plastered across his lips. He bowed his head slightly and kissed me hard. This was the first time I had told him that, at least intentionally and seriously. I kiss him back with the same amount of force and smiled once we eventually parted.

"I love you too, princess." He said as he put his arms around me. I held mine tightly around him and closed my eyes, my face buried in his neck.

* * *

The day was long; the team hadn't stayed all day. They went to their homes and lived like they normally did on weekends when they weren't with the rest of us. Rossi had given Derek and I some space through the day and it was greatly appreciated.

I walked into Rossi's office and asked if he minded if I stayed at Derek's tonight. His reply was: "As long as you intend on returning in one piece".

So we watched a movie before I packed a few things in a bag and left with him. Our hands were linked on the centre console the whole way back to his place and as soon as we got inside, he made his way to the kitchen and starting cooking us dinner. I sat on the counter out of his way and tasted the spaghetti sauce as he stirred the noodles.

"Ah." I exclaimed after tasting it.

"Hot?" He smirked.

"Extremely. Ow." I sipped the wine to cool my mouth. He put the wooden spoon down and walked over to me slowly. He stood in front of me at the counter and put his hands on my thighs on either side of him. I smiled as I looked at him, "Yes?"

He kissed my lips passionately and I returned it with just as much passion. He kissed me a few more times before I pulled back slightly, "The sauce is burning."

"How hungry are you?"

I rolled my eyes, "Do you want me to finish cooking?"

"No." He shook his head and kissed me one more time before returning to his catering.

It didn't take long to finish cooking and we ate with wine and candles. "This was sweet. Thanks for cooking."

"Well I wasn't going to let you do it." He smirked.

"Hey, I can make spaghetti."

"It's terrible though."

I smiled and looked down, "Yes, everything I do is terrible."

"No, just your cooking."

I rolled my eyes and stood up, picking up my plate and his. I took them to the kitchen and he followed with the wine glasses. He refilled them and made me leave the sink. I sat back on the counter as he cleaned. "You know I could have done that."

"Yes but you are technically my guest."

"So when you do the cleaning up at Rossi's…"

"Then I'm the guest, _but_ , I don't mind doing it."

"But neither do I."

"But I mind if you do it."

"Why?"

"…Uh…you might…clean the plate wrong?"

"Better luck next time." I laughed.

"Shut up." He laughed too and looked to the plate he had been cleaning for several minutes.

"So what are our plans for the rest of the night?"

He looked at me, "I was thinking what we always did when you were here."

"Oh…really?" I made myself sound disappointed.

"…Or not. We could watch another movie or go out or—"

"Derek, I was joking."

He shook his head, "Cruel."

"Sexually frustrated?" I smirked.

"Ha ha." He rolled his eyes.


	30. Chapter 30

**Prentiss**

"And today in the round table room, Reid and Garcia argue over something completely irrelevant. Nerds come and go to see the conflict, their boss looks tired and about ready to send them to their rooms, JJ looks like she's fighting with everything she has not to get involved and Rossi is, once again, ignoring everything around him and reading." I commentated. We were sitting around the table. We were debriefing and then we sort of just stayed to talk. None of us really felt like moving.

"I'm not ignoring." Rossi said, not looking up from his book.

"And this is not irrelevant, this is real—"

"No Reid, do not suck me into your argument. I was just commentating to entertain Derek and myself."

"It normally works if she keeps going." He said. He looked at me, "We could look out the window and give people voices. I think Strauss is talking to Anderson."

"Oh! I'm Strauss." I said excitedly as we looked behind us to the window.

"No, please don't do that again?" Rossi spoke, "It drives me insane."

"But it's fun. It's my favourite game." I said as I turned back and slumped down.

"Find something else that's fun. Seriously, people don't know what you're doing and all they see if the two of you staring at them and speaking at the same time they do."

"All the more fun." Derek smirked.

"We're going to get arrested one day."

"Yeah well, what can you do?" He shrugged his shoulders.

"You could not get arrested…" Hotch said quietly.

"Would you bail us out if we did?" I asked him.

He looked at me for a few seconds, "Probably."

"Let's hope that situation doesn't arise…" Rossi raised his eyebrows at me.

"You never know. If I get free food for flashing my—"

"Okay, no, stop." Rossi cut me off.

I glanced at Derek and we both laughed.

"Oh my god, Reid! I'm right, you're wrong, accept it." Garcia exclaimed.

"No, we need a third opinion. Emily, you're a nerd too, what do you think?"

"About what?"

"Do you prefer star trek or star wars?" Garcia asked.

"Are you kidding me? You've been arguing for 10 minutes over which show you prefer?"

"Yes." Reid nodded as if this wasn't a stupid reason to be arguing.

I sighed, "I need a drink."

"That makes two of us." JJ agreed.

"Let's go out!" Garcia said excitedly. It startled me, how loud and upbeat she got.

"…No." I said.

"What?" Her face dropped. "Why not?"

"Because you're scaring me."

She smiled and shook her head, "Come on, let's party."

I nodded, "Okay."

"Great. Can we go?" JJ asked, "I'm dying here."

"Is everyone else coming?" I asked the males around the table, "Apart from Derek because I'm making him come."

"Dirty." He joked.

I laughed and shook my head, "Don't be gross."

"You laughed."

"That doesn't mean I want you to be gross."

"Okay, Rossi, Hotch, Reid?" JJ asked.

Rossi looked at me. "What?" I questioned him.

"Are you two going to get really…close? Because I don't want to come if you are."

I rolled my eyes, "No, we won't."

"Okay, then I'll come." He nodded.

"Jack is at a friend's house, so sure." Hotch said.

We all looked at Reid expectantly. "Uh…where are you going?" He asked.

"Does it matter?" Garcia asked.

"Yes." He nodded.

"Why?" JJ asked in a confused tone.

He sighed, "I can't go to Dean's Bar."

I raised my eyebrows but Derek bet me to the question. "Why not?" He asked.

Reid hesitated.

I gasped, "Reid, do not tell me you got banned from _Dean's Bar._ What did you do?"

"It's a long story." He looked down.

"Do tell." Rossi sat back. Hotch looked at him with hard eyes.

"I just got into a very big argument. No problem."

"Well how long are you banned for?" I asked. I decided not to pry. God knows I always got beyond irritated every time someone asked me something I didn't want to tell.

"…Until Dean dies."

"Is it even run by a guy named Dean? I thought the owners changed."

"They did, they just decided not to change the name because it was too much hassle." Derek said.

"He's in with the bar crew." JJ nodded.

"What is with this team and breaking the law…?" Hotch asked himself quietly.

"I didn't break the law, I just argued with someone." Reid said.

"And I haven't broken the law _yet_." I smirked.

* * *

I sat down beside Hotch and across from Rossi. JJ was at the bar, Reid was talking to a girl, much to all of our surprise, and Derek and Garcia were both dancing.

"You said you weren't going to get that close." Rossi said to me, putting his glass down.

"Hey, he was grinding on me." I smirked at him.

Rossi shook his head and snickered, "You're drunk."

"I'm not drunk, I'm tipsy. I can still walk straight and make decisions and stuff."

"Dave…" Hotch said quietly. I looked at him at the same time as Rossi and he motioned over towards the bar. I followed his gaze and saw three men surrounding JJ. They were standing with flirtatious and intimidating body language and she looked afraid although she wouldn't show it to anyone who wasn't a profiler.

I put my drink down and stood up.

"Don't." Rossi said.

"I'm not." I said to him as I walked back to where Derek and Garcia were. "Hey, keep an eye on JJ?"

He and Garcia both looked at her and I did too in time to see one try to pull her with him. I didn't think twice before walking towards them quickly.

"Em no!" Garcia tried to stop me. I shook her hand off and reached the bar quickly. As one of the guys tried to pull her again. I grabbed him around the back of his collar and pulled him backwards before punching him hard on the side of his face.

"Emily!" JJ tried to stop me before I punched the other. Hotch grabbed me and pulled me away. I struggled to get away from him but he was definitely stronger.

"Dude, control your lady." I heard the one I hadn't hit yet talking to Derek as Hotch turned and pulled me away from them.

"I am so sorry, but you were being very inappropriate towards my friend."

"She wanted to come with us."

"No, I really didn't." I heard JJ say. I heard her and Garcia follow behind Hotch and I as he pulled me away and outside.

"What the hell was that?" Hotch asked once he let go of me and I escaped his grasp.

"What do you mean—"

"Do not play dumb with me, Prentiss." He was angry.

"Okay…I'm sorry."

"Are you _trying_ to get yourself arrested?" He didn't seem to be backing down anytime soon. Reid, Rossi and Derek walked out and joined us. Derek passed me my bag; Rossi gave JJ and Garcia theirs.

"Yes Hotch, I'm trying very hard to get arrested _just_ so I can see if you'd _really_ bail me out. It's been a fun day, trying to break the law in every way possible. I haven't been caught yet, though. Thanks Derek." I mumbled my thanks as I took my bag.

"Home." He pointed to my right where there were a few cabs waiting for fares.

"My home, not Morgan's." Rossi clarified.

"Sure, let's all ridicule Emily because she didn't want her best friend to go through what she did. That's a great idea, just brilliant. Maybe next time you can just throw JJ into a victim position." I rambled as I turned and started walking.

"Hey," JJ called. I stopped and turned. A small smiled spread on her lips that she tried to hide from Hotch and Rossi, "Thank you."

"Anytime. I enjoy causing physical pain upon men…" I looked at the four in front of me.

"Hey, I didn't do anything." Reid said, "But you just screwed up my chances with that girl."

"You didn't need to come out here, Reid."

"No, but she knew I was with all of you here."

"Well Reid, what do you want me to do? Go in there and talk to her? "I'm sorry about my sudden burst of violence but I am having a bad day and I'm drinking and I just had a flashback of what I went through but with JJ in my place instead of myself. Reid's nice, you should fuck him"."

"…No…thank you." He looked confused but I think he understood that I wasn't serious after a few seconds of thought. I took a breath and turned, walking back towards the cabs.

"Prentiss." Hotch stopped me again.

"You wanted me to go home."

"That was before—"

"I'm going home like you asked." I shook my head and kept on walking.

 _Stupid._ Why would I let myself let all of that out? In front of all of them and even worse, while being very disrespectful and rude to Reid. That boy had done nothing but support me and stay on my side no matter the situation and I had the indecency of yelling at him after I so immaturely punched two men who probably weren't even doing what I was seeing and I embarrassed my whole team, disappointed my boss, my father figure and my boyfriend and scared Garcia. She looked utterly terrified of me.

* * *

I spent the night in tears. Hotch decided that he and the team should leave me for the night to cool off, Derek decided the same and Rossi stayed with me, holding me in complete, appreciative silence. It wasn't like me to cry like this and especially not in front of anyone, not Rossi, not Derek, not even Garcia or JJ, but apparently I was just a whole new person now.

Eventually, I allowed Rossi to go to bed and claimed I was going to sleep but I spent the rest of the night lying awake, tears and sobs escaping me. I woke up in the late morning and forced myself up. I could already tell that today would be worse than yesterday. I had a long shower and walked downstairs where Rossi had a fresh, hot cup of coffee waiting for me.

"Thank you." I said quietly as he slid it to me and motioned for me to sit in the stool at the counter island.

"Are you hungry?" He asked, keeping his voice lower than normal. He always did that when I was having a bad day or a bad previous night. I guess it had something to do with keeping me calmer? I don't know, but it worked.

I shook my head and drank the coffee. Silence fell over us momentarily. "I'm sorry." I said quietly, breaking it.

"For what?"

I gave him an obvious look, "I was _way_ out of line last night. I didn't mean to ruin everything."

He nodded, "Let me know when you want to talk about why you didn't tell or hint to anyone that you were already having a bad day and the flashbacks."

"I didn't mean to get violent." I said even quieter. It was shameful, the way I acted.

"It happens."

I shook my head, "No, it doesn't. Not unless you have a history of violence in those kind of situations. Are they pressing charges? They should be pressing charges."

"They're not pressing charges." Rossi shook his head.

"Well they should. I should find their number and tell them to—"

"Emily, they were extremely drunk and Hotch talked to them this morning. They don't really remember much about JJ, but the bruises are what reminded them of you. They apologised for being very inappropriate and they don't want to press charges."

I decided not to argue now but I'd ask for their number off Hotch next time I saw him. I suspected he'd suspend me again after that show. I just couldn't wait to go back to work…


	31. Chapter 31

**Prentiss**

Hotch had been talking to me for a while now and he finally stopped talking to me like I was a child. I let him condescend me because I knew that what I had done was very wrong. I knew he didn't intend on making me feel young.

"Now how are you feeling today?" He asked to calm the conversation down.

"Uh…I don't think I'm ever feeling good anymore."

"Have you seen your therapist lately?"

"She referred me to a doctor two weeks ago and he wanted to prescribe medication so I haven't gone back to anyone."

Hotch sighed irritably and looked down, "You should have told me the same day or the day after at the latest."

"…I know, but I didn't tell anyone. Not Rossi, not Derek. I didn't even tell Sergio."

"Prentiss, you have to go back and get the prescription and actually take the medication."

"I don't want to." I shook my head.

"It isn't a temporary thing; it's not just going to go away."

"It will." I nodded.

"Prentiss." He gave me an obvious look.

"Give me a month. If I don't feel better by then, I'll go get the prescription."

"No, by the end of this week. Today preferably."

"Hotch—"

"Do not make me book the appointment and take you there myself."

I sighed and looked out the window to Derek, JJ, Reid and Garcia as they watched us. "What is with them and staring whenever I'm in here?"

"You're changing the subject…"

"I don't want anyone to know about it."

"Then you can keep it between the two of us and Rossi. You don't have to tell the other four."

"Is it wrong to keep it from Derek?" I asked him hesitantly.

He looked at me and waited a few seconds as he thought through his reply, "I don't necessarily think it's wrong, but I think he will be very offended if he does find out and you hadn't told him. It is really up to what you want to do."

"I guess I'll tell him before he finds out a different way and starts a big fight. It would probably happen at work and then the other three would know and JJ and Garcia would be mad that I didn't tell them and Reid would give me statistics on something and be offended that I didn't tell him and then we wouldn't even work together because we'd all be angry with everyone and it'd be intense."

"Wow, okay, you should tell Derek." Hotch nodded.

I smiled and shook my head, looking down, "Why is it always me?"

"You have _really_ bad luck."

I snickered and nodded, "I need a drink…"

"Oh, you really don't."

I looked at him and shot him a guilty smile, "If you're going to ban me from drinking alcohol, I would suggest you tell Rossi because he's got a great collection of all sorts at home."

He nodded, "I'll do that. I think you should take some time off the alcohol."

"Yeah, I knew this was coming." I nodded.

"Don't you agree? You're not yourself when you're drunk."

"To be fair, I was not drunk, I was tipsy."

"Prentiss."

"I was drunk." I admitted with a sigh, "I really am sorry, Hotch."

"I know you are." He nodded.

"I don't really want to admit it but I hate myself for disappointing you, Rossi, Derek, for scaring Garcia, for ruining Reid's night and embarrassing JJ. I hate that I always mess everything up."

"You don't mess everything up." Hotch tried.

"Thank you for lying." I nodded.

He rolled his eyes and looked out the window, "Garcia looks like she's about ready to burst in here and demand to know what's going on."

"Got anything to do right now?" I asked him.

"No." He shook his head.

"Do you want to irritate them even further and close the blinds?"

He looked at me with a ghost of a smirk and nodded. I smiled and stood up, put on a straight, slightly frowning face and walked to the window, closing the blinds down. I sat back down and he pulled out a deck of cards.

I gasped, "You've been holding out on me."

I picked the cards up and looked at them. I bit my lip, "Hit me."

* * *

"You two haven't talked all night…" JJ said, looking between Derek and I. I was seated beside Rossi and Derek was on a different couch between Garcia and Reid. Hotch was on the other side of Rossi and JJ and Will were on another coach.

"We're not talking right now." Derek said.

"No, _you're_ not talking right now." I said, looking at the glass of water in my hands.

"You're arguing too."

"Yeah well I didn't start broadcasting it in front of the team, did I?"

"You're continuing it!"

"I'm not yelling."

"Oh, well there's a first time for everything."

"Can you please stop?"

He put his empty glass down and stood up, "I'm going home." He slid his jacket on and walked behind where I was sitting, kissing my cheek on the way.

"Bye…" Garcia said awkwardly.

"See you all when I do." He said in a tired voice as he left the room. I heard the front door open and close a second later. Silence fell over us.

"So…what's going on there?" JJ asked.

"Oh, haven't you heard? I ruin everything."

"I think we already discussed this today…" Hotch said quietly.

"Yes, but you were not telling the truth."

"Prentiss—"

"I've had enough arguing today." I cut him off. "But please let me have a drink?"

"No." Hotch and Rossi both declined at the same time.

I dropped my head and groaned, "I'm dying."

"More water?" Rossi asked as he stood up and took my glass.

"I never realised how much I hated water until today."

"Poker!" JJ suddenly exclaimed. She stood up and went to the dining room. Rossi had a cupboard in there containing all of his poker chips and all different kinds of cards and games.

"I guess we're playing poker." Will said.

"It's no fun when you're not drinking."

"Stop complaining." Hotch said as he stood and went to refill his drink and Garcia's when she held her glass out to him.

"Thanks boss." She smiled.

* * *

Poker went on for a while before my phone rang. I picked it up and looked at Derek's number flashing on the caller ID. I excused myself quietly and walked out of the room as I answered it. "Derek?"

"I know we're arguing and that you're not happy with me right now but I figured you'd be even angrier if you found out from someone else and not me. I'm going to be okay, but I got in a car accident and I'm in the hospital."

"What!?" I think my heart skipped a beat. I had frozen but I knocked myself out of that state and ran to the living room, "Which hospital?"

"Emily—"

"No." I stopped, "I don't care whether you want me there or not. Which hospital?"

He sighed, "Stafford."

"Why are you there?" Tears were in my eyes but I blinked them back.

"I was going to Quantico. I left some paperwork there and I decided I wanted to finish it tonight."

"It's 11."

"Em, I need to go."

I felt nauseous and swallowed hard to keep that under control. "I'll be there soon."

"Don't bring the team."

"Well if they want to…"

" _I_ don't want them to."

"Derek, they're not going to accept that and you know it."

"Fine. You could use their support anyway. I'm fine, okay?"

"I'll believe that when I hear it from a doctor. I love you."

"I love you too. Bye." He hung up and I dropped my phone into my bag as I put my coat on.

"He's in the hospital?" Garcia asked with fear in her voice.

I nodded, "Is anyone else okay to drive?"

"Yeah." Will stood up and the others followed.

I drove my car with Hotch in the passenger seat and Rossi and Reid in the back. Will drove with JJ and Garcia.

"So what happened?" Hotch asked.

I had my right hand on the wheel and I had my head resting in my left hand and my elbow sitting on the door. I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know. All he said was he will be okay, he got in a car accident and he's in the hospital."

Silence fell over the car except for the soft music and I turned it off quickly. I hated that song. I used to love it, but it was about love and I think I listened to it too much. We drove for a while before I saw Derek's car around a tree. "Oh my god." I stopped the car and jumped out without bothering to stop the ignition but I did grab my torch from my bag. Hotch, Rossi and Reid followed me. Will pulled up behind me and the three of them got out too. It was raining, a typical setting for this.

"Oh, this is too scary." Garcia said quietly. She had a few tears on her cheeks, her eyes red.

I circled the car slowly and moved my torch over it. I bit my lip as I saw blood in the car and turned the torch off quickly. I stood up and looked to my side away from the team.

"Blood?" JJ asked hesitantly. I nodded and heard footsteps approach me. I felt Rossi put his arm around me and pull me gently.

"Come on." He said. I walked with him and threw my torch back in my bag once I reached the car. I waited until all three of them were in before I pulled the car into drive and moved to the road.

* * *

The team sat down in the waiting room under Hotch's request and he waited with them. I walked to the desk and waited until the administration worker was finished on the phone. She smiled at me, "Here to see a patient?"

"Derek Morgan." I nodded.

"And you are?"

"His girlfriend. Agent Prentiss."

She looked at a piece of paper, "Uh yes, he requested that we tell you whatever you wanted to know even though you're not immediate family. He also requested that we ask you to please call his mother and sisters for him? He didn't want us to do it."

I nodded, "Sure, I'll do that. Is there a doctor I can talk to?"

She kept her polite smile the whole time and nodded as she stood up, "I'll get him for you. In the meantime, would you mind filling this out?" She handed a clipboard with several papers on it and a pen to me.

I smiled and took it, "Thank you." I walked over to the seats where the rest of the team was and sat beside Hotch. It was the closest seat to me. I started to fill out the forms before I realised something and looked up. "The crash scene wasn't attended to by police."

"Maybe he didn't call them." Garcia said.

"Then how did he get to the hospital? He didn't walk."

"Ambulance?" JJ asked.

"Then someone would be at the scene or it would at least be taped off."

"Maybe they did see it and already determined the cause." Reid said.

"Then a tow truck would be there to take his car." Will said.

I looked at Hotch and he nodded, "I'll call the police now."

"Thank you." I smiled as he stood and walked outside.

I continued the paperwork in silence for a while, "I don't remember my social security number." Garcia told me the nine digits and I stared at her for a few seconds.

"What?" She asked.

"I don't think you're supposed to know that."

She shrugged her shoulders with a small smile.

I shook my head, "Thank you Garcia." I wrote it down and took the board back to the desk.

"The doctor will be out any second." She nodded politely as she took the board. She skimmed over it quickly, "Thank you."

I nodded and walked back to the seats. "Three more minutes and I'm flashing my badge and walking through there to kick—" I stopped as the doctor walked through the two doors that you're not supposed to pass unsupervised.

"Agent Prentiss?"

I stood up with a small polite smile and shook his hand as he introduced himself.

"What were you going to kick?" JJ asked.

I looked at her, "…What?"

"You said in three minutes you—"

"Shut up." I cut her off, "Will, control her."

The doctor smiled, "If you'd like to see him, we could walk and talk?"

I nodded and put my bag and coat on the seat before following him. "Now he's a bit out of it at the moment. He's in a lot of pain and he sustained pretty bad injuries. He has a linear skull fracture from what I believe was hitting his head on the steering wheel or some part of the car during the crash. His left shoulder is dislocated but it isn't bad and won't take too long to heal. Now, I'm not sure on how this happened, but his leg has a very deep cut and it bled a lot before he got here so he had a far bit of blood loss. We cleaned and stitched it but he shouldn't walk on it for a while. So if you see blood, don't worry, it's all taken care of. We gave him a blood transfusion so he's fine there. He came out well for someone who completely totalled their car by wrapping it around a tree."

"What do you normally see in these situations?"

"Very serious life threatening issues and sometimes even death. He was very lucky." He nodded and stopped walking. He opened the door for me and motioned for me to go in. I thanked him and walked to Derek's side. He looked asleep. I sat in the chair beside the bed and kissed his cheek. I held his right hand in mine and sat in silence.

After about 10 minutes, he woke and looked at me. He squeezed my hand lightly and I smiled, "Hey."

"Come here." He said quietly. I stood up and placed a few kisses on his lips. "I love you. I'm sorry about all the arguments and fights."

I hushed him and shook my head, "Doesn't matter."

"You look exhausted."

"You look injured."

"Go home and get some sleep."

I shook my head, "No. I'm staying with you."

"Emily—"

"No argument. You wouldn't leave me if the situation was reversed."

"I wouldn't go home, no. But I would walk around and get some coffee and talk to the team."

"They're all in the waiting room."

He snickered, "Of course they are."

"How'd you get here?"

"Ambulance. The police and paramedics heard from a passing car."

"But there wasn't anyone attending to the scene or tape around it."

"Maybe they already looked and tow truck hadn't gotten there yet?"

The doctor came in before I could reply and asked if I could leave so they could do whatever they needed to do. They said they'd tell me when they were done so I walked back to the waiting room.

Will walked into the building the same time I entered the room and he carried seven coffees. There must have been a 24 hour service around here somewhere.

Rossi stood and walked to me, "Are you okay?"

"I'm not." I shook my head, "He will be, though. He was lucky." Tears escaped my eyes then and I hated that I let it happen. Rossi pulled me into him and kissed the top of my head, letting me cry into his chest. "I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"You were scared, I know."

I pulled away from him and wiped my eyes. I drank the coffee and walked to the chair where my bag and coat sat. I lifted my bag and walked towards the exit.

"Where are you going?" Rossi asked.

"I need some air." I said as I walked outside, "Thanks for the coffee Will."

I sat down outside and sipped my coffee again before taking a cigarette out of the packet and a lighter with it. I didn't smoke much anymore, I almost quit, but I did when I was really stressed and I was beyond 'really' stressed right now. I took my phone out and found the number for Derek's mother.


	32. Chapter 32

**Prentiss**

"Emily, where's my boy?" Fran asked as she walked into the hospital quickly. I stood up and she hugged me. I returned the gesture and hugged Sarah and Desiree before explaining everything to them. I took them to his room and went back to the waiting room to give them some time with him. I sat down and sighed. I was exhausted and hadn't slept at all in the last 24 hours.

"Why don't you go home and get some sleep?" Rossi asked.

"No." I shook my head.

"But you're tired."

"So?"

"Emily, you look terrible. Go and get some rest. Please?" JJ asked.

I didn't want to, but I really was drained. I nodded and stood up, sliding my coat on and walking out of the building. I went for a drive before sitting in the hospital car park. I wasn't going home; it was too far away. I played music softly and kept my phone volume up in case someone called. About 15 minutes passed before the passenger door opened. I looked to the side quickly and saw Hotch get in.

"Have you been sitting here the whole time?"

"…I went for a drive first?"

"Prentiss." He gave me a concerned look, "He's going to be completely fine and we all know it. _You're_ not going to be completely fine if you don't get some sleep."

"You haven't slept."

"Yes I have. The rest of us went home last night, remember?"

I thought about it for a second before sighing, "Yeah, I remember."

"So can you please go home and sleep? Even just a few hours."

"Hotch, I can't sleep in an empty house and I can't sleep while Derek is in hospital."

"I'll come with you and Morgan is going to be fine."

"No, you can go to your house or stay here or whatever you want to do."

"And you'll go home and sleep?"

"I'll sleep inside."

"Prentiss."

"Hotch, I cannot leave. I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to do that. If I was in Derek's position and he just left every now and then, I'd be offended that he didn't want to stay with me."

"But he isn't you and he knows that you need to sleep."

"I would know that he would need to sleep but I'd still be angry."

"You wouldn't have been angry a year ago."

"Okay, yes, I've changed. I'm not the level-headed, calm person that everyone could rely on anymore but I am still me!" He stared at me in silence, doubt on his face. "Fine, I'm completely obnoxious and—"

"You babble when you're tired." He cut me off.

"Please let me go back inside."

"Fine, but Morgan will ask you to go home."

"And if he does then I'll go."

* * *

"So listen; mum, Sarah and Des are all staying at my place for a while. You can stay with us or Rossi, which ever you decide." Derek said. His mother and sisters were currently getting some sleep at his place. They left last night and I spent the night by his side. He was allowed to go home today.

"I'll stay with Rossi. I'll let you guys have some family time."

"You can stay with me if you want to, though. The three of them love you; it's kind of disappointing actually."

"What? Why?"

"Because they like you more than me and I'm biologically related to them."

"They do not like me more than you." I shook my head.

"Ah huh, ask them about it. They'll tell you the same thing as I just did."

I looked over to the door as JJ knocked and the team came in, greeting Derek and I. "Okay, I need coffee. I'll be back." I placed a chaste kiss on his lips and walked to the door, "Anyone want anything?"

"Coffee and lots of it. Actually, I'll come with you." Garcia said.

"Anyone else?" I asked. They all declined except for JJ, requesting coffee as well. "Derek?" He smirked at me, "Of course you want more jello." I rolled my eyes. "We'll be back."

"How much jello have you eaten since you been here?" Will asked him.

"Too much!" I called as we left the room.

Garcia and I talked as we walked down to get his jello and our coffee. We were stopped in the hall by a guy who apparently knew her but once we started walking again, she revealed that she had no idea who he was. We eventually reached his room again and I gave him his jello. Garcia gave JJ's coffee to her and sat down beside her and I sipped mine. I made a disgusted look and noise, "That's the worst cup of coffee I've ever tasted."

"Yet you continue to drink it." Rossi said as I took another sip.

"Coffee's coffee." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Maybe if you went home and slept, you wouldn't need so much coffee…" Derek said.

"Whether I slept comfortably or not, I'd still need the coffee. I need coffee to survive. I would marry coffee if I was allowed, although I'd probably drink it and then I'd have to divorce an empty cup and marry another and it would just be a vicious cycle."

"You're tired." Hotch nodded.

I looked at him and smirked, "Wow, you should be a profiler."

"Ah, my true calling."

I smiled and nodded, "I should be a guidance counsellor."

"Or a profiler." JJ raised her eyebrows.

"You're really bored, aren't you?" Derek asked me.

I groaned and sat down, "Is it that obvious?"

"Go home."

"No."

"Hey, you said if he asked you to go home then you would." Hotch raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, the other night…"

"Okay, I give up. Just stop sleeping all together."

"Good idea, I'll take it into consideration." I smiled at him. He shook his head as he phone rang and he excused himself.

"I'm surprised you haven't been called to a case." Derek said.

"No, there's a big serial killer convention so they're all taking the week off. You know, enjoying themselves, talking about who committed the worst crime, basking in the sunlight that they don't get in their basements."

"I've always been interesting in attending one of those." He tried to keep his amused smile back.

"Well, you'd have to commit at least three murders first."

"I'll get right on it." He nodded.

I gasped, "I could go! I murdered five innocent people, two were children. I'd be a hero."

"Emily." Rossi scolded.

I looked at him with guilty eyes, "I am _really_ tired."

"Go home!" Derek stressed.

I groaned, "Fine. Call me when you're allowed to leave or if you need help hiding those bodies."

"Thank you." He smiled. I kissed his cheek and picked my bag up.

"I'm coming because I am tired and as bored as you." Rossi said.

I smiled at him, " _You_ are going to sleep in the middle of the day? I'd love to see that."

"Well it's going to happen sooner than you might think if you don't hurry up and walk out. Come on, we can murder someone on the way home. I'll drive you to the convention tomorrow morning."

"Ha ha, you're hilarious." I teased with an eye roll. "Bye guys."

"Have a _very_ long sleep." JJ smiled as we walked out.

* * *

I slept for a few hours, longer than Rossi and I called Derek back after listening to the message he left me. He said that Fran was making dinner for them and I was invited but he didn't want me to come if I was going to be tired. He wanted me to be rested. I decided that I'd cook for Rossi for the continuous annoyance I have been cursing him with lately.

"What are you doing?" Rossi asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"I'm cooking!" I said enthusiastically.

"I don't think I've ever seen this before. Hold on, pick up the wooden spoon and stir something. I want a photo."

I laughed and stirred the noodles in the boiling water. I tried not to laugh again as he actually took the photo. "So I have good and bad news."

"Good first." He said as he sat at the counter island.

"I haven't burnt your house down and I don't think I'm going to." I smiled at him.

"That is a great accomplishment. Now the bad news?"

"I made way too much. Turns out I suck at measuring pasta…and mushrooms apparently."

He gave me an amused smirk and walked around the island to the stove. He looked at the pasta cooking and laughed, "You literally have enough for 15 people."

I laughed, "Well shit." Silence fell for a few seconds as we contemplated what to do.

"Team?" He asked.

"Yep." I nodded. "Uh, not Derek. He's eating with his family tonight."

"Skip Morgan, got it." He nodded as he got his cell phone and walked out of the room.

The team got here in a short while, Jack and Henry included. Will was just a part of our team now. He may not have worked for us, but he did everything else with us as we loved him the same.

I served the mushroom pasta and they all looked at Reid. "What?" He asked.

"Taste it." JJ said.

"Why me?"

"Because we're not game enough." Garcia smiled at him.

"Guys!" I gave them a look of disbelief, "I'm offended."

"Oh honey, it's not you, it's just your cooking…" JJ said. "Henry, eat up."

"You told me that Emily is a bad cook." He said quietly.

"JJ!"

"Hey, if you ever babysit him, can you please just order in?" Will smirked.

"I vote Aaron to try it first." Rossi said.

"Take one for the team." Reid smirked at him.

Hotch cleared his throat and lifted the fork. They all watched as he took a bite and he tried not to show the displeasure but we all noticed it.

"Oh, come in! It is not that bad!" I took a bite of mine and lifted my napkin, spitting it back out immediately. I sat back, "Damn."

"I think you should give her lessons…" Hotch said to Rossi quietly.

I sighed and stood up, "How does Chinese sound?"

"Magnificent." Garcia smiled. Rossi stood too and we cleared the plates.

"Well that was disappointing." I said as we put the plates down and I gave him the phone.

"I'll teach you." He assured as he dialled the number.

"Thanks." I kissed his cheek and walked back to the dining room. I refilled the wine around the room, the juice for Jack and Henry and my soda before sitting back down.

"Maybe you should have let Rossi cook." Reid said.

"I wanted to do something nice for him. I didn't intend on making something so horrifying."

"Why did you want to do something nice for him?" Garcia asked.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because he is allowing me to live with him and not once has he complained about it to me and I have gotten to the point where I literally annoy him so often that he's spending more time at the office than he needs to and he pretty much lives in his study right now."

"Wow. I wonder how Derek feels." JJ said.

"Well I'm sleeping with him so it's not as bad." I shrugged my shoulders and sipped the soda.

"How big is he?" Garcia asked. I almost spat out my soda. I swallowed it and coughed before looking at her.

"What?"

"New topic please." Rossi said as he sat down.

"Thank you." I said to him.

"Hey Emily, what did you want to be when you were my age?" Jack asked me.

"A stripper." I coughed, "What?"

"Back when you were seven." He clarified.

" _Back_ when I was seven? How old do you think I am?"

"…Not seven."

I snickered, "I wanted to be singer in a big famous band. Then I learnt how to shoot a gun and well, here we are."

"You can sing?" Henry asked.

"No." I shook my head.

"Yes she can." Garcia nodded.

I smiled at her and kept it up, "No, I really can't Garcia."

"Liar. Remember when we went out and you got really drunk and sung karaoke? Best night of my life. You have a voice like an angel."

"You know, in the whole time I've known you, I've never heard you sing." JJ shook her head, "And I'm offended that you two went out without me and sung karaoke."

"Sorry?" I smiled.

"The whole time you've been living here and I've never heard you sing either." Rossi said.

"None of us have except for Garcia, apparently." Reid said.

"And it is going to stay that way." I nodded.

"Not if we get a few drinks into you, huh?" JJ grinned.

"Not happening." Hotch shook his head.

I smirked, "Damn, boss said no. Sorry, better luck next time."

"Come on! It's the least you could do after that awful pasta." JJ smirked.

"You didn't even try it and no JJ, I'm not singing for you."

"You will one day."


	33. Chapter 33

**Prentiss**

I spent two days with Derek and his family before they had to go back home. The team, Derek and I all ate at Rossi's again the same night. Rossi cooked this time and no one was hesitant to try it. We had a few drinks afterwards and then they went home.

I was the only one not hungover today and Strauss knew when she came in this morning. She lectured the team passive aggressively and told them not to let it happen again and then congratulated me for not being hungover. I teased the team about it all day and they were relieved to go home and get away from me.

Derek went to his place and I went to Rossi's but Derek texted me and said we needed to talk.

I put a jacket on when I heard him knock and opened the door. "Hey—"

"Walk." I pointed outside.

"…Okay." He turned and walked back off the porch. I followed behind him and we walked down the driveway for a while before we sat down. "Can I talk now?"

"Yes." I nodded.

"Okay, can you please just not argue until I'm done explaining? And know that I am _really_ sorry and that I love you."

I gave him a suspicious look and nodded.

"So…I don't know how to do this so I'm just going to say it. I think we should take a break. Split and see other people for a while."

I stared at him in silence, shocked by what he was saying right now. I couldn't speak or do anything.

"I'm moving to Chicago with my family." He added. "It's not you, Em."

"It's not you it's me right? Really, you're going to use that line? How the hell can you tell me that you love me and then say _that_? I did everything I could to make this work, Morgan."

"Morgan?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Go home." I stood up, "Have the time of your life in Chicago. Turn into the typical fuckboy you used to be. Or were you always that? Because maybe I was just so blinded by what I thought was love to see that you were fucking every other girl who would let you between their legs."

"Emily." He stood up.

"Prentiss," I corrected, "Bye."

I walked back towards the house quickly before he could say anything else or stop me. "Em wait!" He tried to stop me. I heard him a few steps behind me as I reached the door.

I opened it and slammed it behind me, locking it and walking through the living room. Rossi was in his study and walked out as I stormed passed. Tears were streaming down my face and I was sobbing. "Hey, what happened?" He followed me up the staircase but stopped at the bedroom door as I closed it in front of him. "Emily, come on."

"Night." I sobbed as I switched the light off and lay down. I picked my phone up and found JJ contact and called her.

"Hey Em." She answered.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Oh my god, are you okay? Why are you crying? Where are you?"

"I'm at Rossi's."

"Do you want me to come over?" She asked.

"Are you busy?"

"No. Will just put Henry to bed and he just got out of the shower and into bed so I'm bored."

"Then yes, can you please come over?"

"I'll be there ASAP." She said, "Don't do anything stupid and don't touch the alcohol."

"Thank you." I hung up and dropped my phone at my side.

* * *

JJ spent the night at my side, hugging me and letting me cry and scream and feel the pain that physically felt like my heart had been ripped into a million little pieces that were impossible to be put back together. It was like he shot me in the chest and everything I had ever known just left. I felt like my life had instantly fallen to complete shit. Who knew that this would not only be agonising mentally and emotionally but physically as well. I told JJ everything except that he was moving and she was furious with Derek and completely supportive of me.

She tried to make me stay home today but I refused to stay away from work just because he'd be there. I gave in and let her tell Rossi but I made her promise to do it while I wasn't around and make sure he didn't mention it to me.

I walked into the bullpen and greeted Reid and Garcia before sitting down at my desk. Derek was in Hotch's office and they both walked out a few minutes later. "Round table room." Hotch said to us as he walked to Rossi's office. I stood and walked beside JJ and sat down in my usual seat at the table. She and Derek had swapped seats and he now sat across from me.

Hotch stood at the front and motioned for Derek to join him, "I'm not doing this for you."

Derek cleared his throat and stood up, "Okay; so I'm really sorry guys but I just put in my two weeks' notice. I'm moving to Chicago."

The whole team looked at me and JJ sat up straight, "Anything else you didn't tell me?"

"Wasn't my thing to tell." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Um…why didn't you tell me sooner?" Garcia asked him.

"I didn't know I was until the other day." He said to her.

"Are you going to stay in touch?" Reid asked him quietly. HIs voice itself was miserable.

"Yeah kid." He nodded, "I'll come see you guys all the time."

"Yeah, I'd really rather you make sure I'm not here when you do." I said as I stood and walked out.

"Prentiss." Hotch tried to stop me but I shook my head and walked to Rossi's office. I sat down and waited for either him or Hotch to confront me.

A while passed before the door opened and I looked up. Derek walked in and closed the door behind him. He hesitated before walking over and sitting down beside me on the couch, "Look, I do love you, Emily, but I need to move and I need you to live your life the way you're supposed to. You're an agent; you're not supposed to be in long term relationships. You need short ones or one night stands or three night stands but not something so committed. Your job is your life. You don't have time for relationships."

"JJ has a child in her very happy long term relationship. Hotch was married. Rossi has been married three times. Garcia had several long term relationships. Reid would if he found the right girl. The only person in this team that can't handle work as well as a relationship is you, Morgan. You're not fit for this life and I know that now so you can leave." I stood up and walked out of Rossi's office. He and Hotch stood at the desks in the bullpen and I walked down the steps to mine. Derek followed me.

"That's not fair." He said, grabbing my arm and spinning me around.

"No. What isn't fair is treating someone like they mean the world to you and then just dropping everything you had with them. What isn't fair is telling someone you love them, breaking up with them a minute later and then telling them that you love them again. What isn't fair is you pushing this and dragging it on. It's over, it's done and you can have fun in Chicago." I burst.

"Emily."

"Prentiss!" I corrected loudly.

"The whole team is right there."

"I think they'll survive."

"This isn't all my fault, you know. You're not exactly trying here."

I raised my eyebrows, "I'm going to walk away. Don't follow me because I will quite possibly slap you."

"You can't run from it." He said as I turned around.

"I can run from everything." I assured as I walked to the break room. A few minutes passed before I sensed someone behind me, "Jesus Christ Derek, just leave me alone!" I said before turning. "Oh…sorry Hotch."

He raised his eyebrows, "You need to calm down."

"I know." I sighed, "Sorry for making a scene out there."

"Well at least we all know what's going on. Rossi and JJ are furious with Morgan, Garcia and Reid are torn and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here but I have an idea of a solution to the arguing at work."

I looked down, "You're going to suspend me for two weeks."

He gave me an apologetic smile, "I don't have to if you can assure me that you can work with him effectively."

I shook my head, "I can't work with him effectively."

"That also means that you wouldn't be able to be a part of the recruitment decision…"

"I'm sure whoever you all pick will be good enough for me."

"So you want me to suspend you?"

"…Yes…please?"

"Okay, two weeks suspension it is." He nodded.

"Thank you." I smiled.

He looked slightly confused as to why I would _want_ to be suspended but he didn't question me. He nodded and walked out and to the team. I followed a few steps behind him and picked up my things.

"Where are you going?" JJ asked.

"Home." I said casually.

"She has two week suspension." Hotch said to them.

"Oh, now you did that on purpose." Derek said to me, "You have to talk to me eventually."

"Let me know when you grow up." I shot him a fake smile and walked away with my bag on my shoulder.

"Straight home please." Rossi called from my desk.

"Will do." I waved and walked through the glass doors.

* * *

The whole team except for Derek was sitting with Rossi and I in his living room. It had been silent for a while bar the happy laughter and talking coming from the next room where Henry and Jack were playing.

"You're letting him win, you know." JJ broke the silence.

I groaned and dropped my head, "Jayje, I really don't want to talk about it."

"Why?"

"Why? Because it _just_ happened…"

"But you—"

"JJ." I cut her off and shook my head, "Don't."

"Okay." She sighed, "Do you want to go out? We could get you laid?"

I raised my eyebrows, "No thanks."

"Are you turning lesbian? Because I have a single friend—"

"No Garcia, I'm not turning lesbian." I rolled my eyes.

"Well can we go out anyway?" She asked.

"You can. I'm going to bed." I stood up.

"Not this again." Rossi said.

"What?"

"You're going to start going to bed early, you're going to distance yourself and you're going back to square one."

"I'm tired."

"You're always tired."

"Goodnight." I rolled my eyes as I stood up and walked out.

He was right. I was stepping back to square one.

* * *

 **And that's that. I've got more ideas that I may or may not write yet. I might take a break, life's pretty down at the moment.**

 **Thank you ever so much to my regular readers, you guys are so good to me.**

 **-A xx**


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